EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Brave doctor DI TOMMY GLOOP is arguing with caring private detective DR ELIZABETH SLAUGHTERHOUSE. TOMMY tries to hug ELIZABETH but she shakes him off.
TOMMY
Please Elizabeth, don't leave me.
ELIZABETH
I'm sorry Tommy, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
TOMMY
I am such a person!
ELIZABETH frowns.
ELIZABETH
I'm sorry, Tommy. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ELIZABETH leaves.
TOMMY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, clever computer programmer MS SOPHIA PLATT barges in looking flustered.
TOMMY
Goodness, Sophia! Is everything okay?
SOPHIA
I'm afraid not.
TOMMY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
SOPHIA
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger poke a bunch of babies!
TOMMY
Defenseless babies?
SOPHIA
Yes, defenseless babies!
TOMMY
Bloomin' heck, Sophia! We've got to do something.
SOPHIA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
TOMMY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
SOPHIA
I was...
SOPHIA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
TOMMY
Focus Sophia, focus! Where did it happen?
SOPHIA
Greenwich, London! That's right - Greenwich, London!
TOMMY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
TOMMY rushes along the street, followed by SOPHIA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
CHAD GUMP a snooty mugger terrorises two babies.
TOMMY, closely followed by SOPHIA, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
SOPHIA
What is is? What's the matter?
TOMMY
That's not just any old mugger, that's Chad Gump!
SOPHIA
Who's Chad Gump?
TOMMY
Who's Chad Gump? Who's Chad Gump? Only the most snooty mugger in the universe!
SOPHIA
Blinkin' knickers, Tommy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty mugger in the universe!
TOMMY
You can say that again.
SOPHIA
Blinkin' knickers, Tommy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty mugger in the universe!
TOMMY
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.
Chad turns and sees Tommy and Sophia. He grins an evil grin.
CHAD
Tommy Gloop, we meet again.
SOPHIA
You've met?
TOMMY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young TOMMY is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees CHAD. He takes off his headphones.
CHAD
Would you like some wine gums?
TOMMY's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.
TOMMY
I don't know, you look kind of snooty.
CHAD
Me? No. I'm not snooty. I'm the least snooty mugger in the world.
TOMMY
Wait, you're a mugger?
TOMMY runs away, screaming.
EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
CHAD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
SOPHIA
(To TOMMY) You ran away?
TOMMY
(To SOPHIA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
TOMMY turns to CHAD.
TOMMY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
TOMMY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
TOMMY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.
CHAD
I'm not scared of you.
TOMMY
You should be.
INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - LATER THAT DAY
TOMMY and SOPHIA walk around searching for something.
TOMMY
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.
SOPHIA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly blades.
TOMMY
You know nothing Sophia Platt.
SOPHIA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of blades.
CHAD
Looking for something?
SOPHIA
Crikey, Tommy, he's got your blades.
TOMMY
Tell me something I don't already know!
SOPHIA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
TOMMY
I know that already!
SOPHIA
I'm afraid of dust.
CHAD
(appalled) Dude!
While CHAD is looking at SOPHIA with disgust, TOMMY lunges forward and grabs his deadly blades. He wields them, triumphantly.
TOMMY
Prepare to die, you snooty parsnip!
CHAD
No please! All I did was poke a bunch of babies!
ELIZABETH enters, unseen by any of the others.
TOMMY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Tommy Gloop defender of innocent babies.
CHAD
Don't hurt me! Please!
TOMMY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on you right away!
CHAD
Because Tommy, I am your father.
TOMMY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
TOMMY
No you're not!
CHAD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CHAD tries to grab the blades but TOMMY dodges out of the way.
TOMMY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.
SOPHIA
Did he just faint?
TOMMY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly blades.
TOMMY crouches over CHAD's body.
SOPHIA
Be careful, Tommy. It could be a trick.
TOMMY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Gump is dead!
TOMMY
What?
TOMMY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
SOPHIA claps her hands.
SOPHIA
So your blades did save the day, after all.
ELIZABETH steps forward.
ELIZABETH
Is it true? Did you kill the snooty mugger?
TOMMY
Elizabeth how long have you been...?
ELIZABETH puts her arm around TOMMY.
ELIZABETH
Long enough.
TOMMY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Gump.
ELIZABETH
Then the babies are safe?
TOMMY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.
ELIZABETH
You are their hero.
The babies bow to TOMMY.
TOMMY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Gump will never poke babies ever again, is enough for me.
ELIZABETH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the babies passes TOMMY a tinkling bell
ELIZABETH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
TOMMY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
TOMMY
Well, if you insist.
TOMMY takes the bell.
TOMMY
Thank you.
The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.
TOMMY turns to ELIZABETH.
TOMMY
Does this mean you want me back?
ELIZABETH
Oh, Tommy, of course I want you back!
TOMMY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
TOMMY
Well you can't have me.
ELIZABETH
WHAT?
TOMMY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ELIZABETH
But...
TOMMY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Sophia.
SOPHIA grins.
ELIZABETH
But...
SOPHIA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ELIZABETH
Tommy?
TOMMY
I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I think you should skidaddle.
ELIZABETH leaves.
SOPHIA turns to TOMMY.
SOPHIA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
TOMMY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly SOPHIA stops.
SOPHIA
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END
