BlogHide Resteemsthe-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Dumb Decade: Best Of 2017Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison SeaWorld Café…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Dumb Decade: Best Of 2016Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party Corn Added To…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Dumb Decade: Best Of 2015Supreme Court Releases Young Scalia’s Audition Tape Government Admits It Was Only Behind Destruction Of North Tower HR Director Reminds Employees That Any…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Dumb Decade: Best Of 2014Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion Study: This Descended From Wolves Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’ Pilot Tells Passengers He’s…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Annual Year: Best Of EntertainmentNew ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists Leaked George Lucas Sex Tape Includes Digitally Inserted…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoOur Annual Year: Best Of SportsTony Romo Realizes He Should Have Used Ability To Read Defenses Back When He Was Still Playing Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoThe 10 Greatest Games Of The Past DecadeThe last 10 years have been a period of dramatic evolution in video games. From revolutions in interactive storytelling (remember a time when “walking simulator” and “Souls” weren’t genres?) to…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoReport: Make It StopPlease, Just Make It Stop EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoProminent Evangelical Magazine Calls For Removing Trump From Holy TrinityCAROL STREAM, IL—In a scathing opinion piece published Thursday by Christianity Today, the evangelical magazine’s editor-in-chief Mark Galli made the case for President Trump’s removal from the Holy…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoCritics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy ForagersNEW RICHMOND, EV — In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoNation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of FruitNEW YORK — Straining their eyes from the opposite wall of the gallery, the nation finally stood far enough away from one of Jackson Pollock’s artworks to realize it is actually a realistic still…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoShoe From Goodwill Still Has Foot In ItWe're not sure whose foot it is, but customers say the shoe is in surprisingly good condition for such a low price! A Goodwill employee says, "This shoe is really great-condition. I'm sure you won't…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoCompany’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 MonthsSEATTLE — With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoGrandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In DenMARTINSBURG, MD — Noting that most rooms of her home are now effectively off-limits to her, the family of local grandmother Edith Wilson confirmed this week that the 84-year-old is down to a…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoWhite Castle Bathroom Stall Celebrates 5th ConceptionWhat a joyous occasion. Only reviled by the newly announced chicken-sliders White Castle is now offering for a limited time! America's Finest News Source Article…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoPros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political AdsTwitter recently announced a ban on political advertising, adding fuel to the debate of whether social media should allow campaign ads and how claims made in those ads might be regulated. The Onion…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoTown Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’ANSBACH, MITTELFRANKEN — Expressing pride at all she had accomplished before even glimpsing the noonday sun, 127-year-old town hag Maelga Vitterbach admitted Wednesday that she was getting in a…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoGod Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel FrescoTHE HEAVENS — Calling the years of the whirlwind romance amongst the greatest of His life, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God recounted Wednesday the torrid affair with 16th-century…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoUnshakable Determination In The Face Of Adversity: Mom Is Currently Telling The CVS Cashier A Fourth Phone Number To Try For A Discount CardGet ready to feel inspired, because the story currently unfolding at the Main Street Shopping Centre in Holbrook, NY proves just how resilient the human spirit can be: Mom is currently telling the…the-onion (-1)in news • 5 years agoTrump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry ExperienceWASHINGTON — Touting his impressive record of serving on the board of a notable natural gas company, President Donald Trump offered Hunter Biden a job in the U.S. Department of Energy Monday based…
