(For the purposes of this blog post, I am going to explain my origin only in the humanly time-line of my 33 years. I emphasize this because I believe that my current experiences in this life are a replay of millions of experiences in body that I will keep reliving until I "get it." For the purposes of this book, my current life will suffice.)
The I AM nots in my life begin with my first experience of abandonment. I have been drowning in feelings of abandonment since before I can remember. Obviously, as a baby the cognitive ability to put a word to the feeling is not there, but the experience is there. This story is not a sob story. It is a story of origin, of the beginnings of understanding that ALL of these abandonment experiences had to happen in order for my shell to crack. This is the only way that I can grow into my true self and purpose. If it didn't happen this way, the reward of spiritual freedom would not exist. Wow, what a beautiful realization-I wish this for all of you that read these words.
First Abandonment By Others: First Abandonment by God
I AM Unwanted
The ego wants to claim that it can't remember anything before the age of 3 or 4. Some people are lucky enough to have memories in their conscious mind before the age of 3 because we block them out. I have to say that I have blocked out many memories in my childhood--for self-preservation and to preserve the ego.
Self-preservation is a powerful tool used by the ego to block feeling and healing. It is so powerful that it can literally erase memories from the conscious mind and stuff them so deeply into the subconscious trying to make it seem like it never happened. But these experiences are part of the fabric of our lives. They were meant to happen. This is the first step of healing--to stop being a victim and realize that as "unfair" as these experiences may seem, they were supposed to happen!
Before we were in our physical existence in this body and plane, we agreed to this experience. While I don't claim to have all of the answers and the details, I am sure of the last statement. God's plan is to come alive and to awaken through us, and we have to experience the polarity of life before we can truly wake up. After all, how can we wake up if we have never experienced sleep?
(Here's a potentially dangerous thought: Are we just individual re-enactments of God? What I mean, is, what if God is screaming at us to hear It, and in essence ourselves (our own spirits)? "WAKE UP, so I can wake up!" What if our individual lives are a direct reflection of Its experience and that the big picture is for us to realize this so that not only we, but also IT, can experience life in the highest LOVE? )
The word Genesis means, by definition, Creation or the origin of something. Creation is a miraculous and beautiful process that requires more than one person or energy to be involved. If we all look back at our creation story, some pretty amazing coincidences had to happen in order for our mothers and fathers to come together to create us.
My mother was born of George Teigen. My father was born of Silvester Ziebarth. George was adopted by Silvester's sister, so my parents are related (my mother is Silvester's great niece) through adoption. The reason I explain this is because I feel the information that my parents grew up together in the same community is important. More importantly, however, my family (even though there was no blood relation), did not accept my parents' relationship. They looked upon it as sinful.
When my mother was 17 and my father was 19 they developed a romantic relationship after knowing each other for most of their lives. My mother claims that they were very much in love, but the families' disapproval put tension on the relationship. When they learned of their conception of me and shared with their families, they were met with disdain. For my father's family, this meant that his life was ruined. It also was a sin against God that my mom and dad would have sex before marriage. For my mother's family, I was ruining any and all of her changes of success, especially for her singing career. (Enter how my mother and father felt about my conception.)
So, there it is was--Sharli was unwanted from conception. I was the product of sin and was in the way. I was the product of my parents' separation from God through their sin. The product of sin...While I was in the womb, there was discussion of abortion. According to my mother, only she, her father, and my dad's mother fought to keep me alive. In my soul, I know that I could feel this, even as a fetus.
I am not the only one that has experienced some sort of rejection before birth in my life story. If we open our minds to the idea that we had at least sub-conscious understanding before our mothers gave birth to us, we may be able to truly dig into the origination of a plague that affects our world. This plague is related to rejection, loneliness, and abandonment. And because of these emotions felt by so many of us individually, we all feel we are divided and separated from each other, and therefore from God. Lack of trust is an epidemic. Thus, the genesis-creation of Sharli, but also creation of humanity as a whole, holds the theme of separation and sets the stage for our storyline that we are now living out in repetitive patterns.
Research has now proven that the fetus has a memory. Medical researches, using sound and vibration stimulation with sonography, have shown that the unborn displays short-term memory at least two months before they are born.
When a mother learns that she is pregnant her initial emotions usually are either those of joy and love or of fear and disdain if the child is not expected. Alice Rose, in her book Bonds of Fire, recommends: "If either parent has any thought of abortion but you decide to keep the baby, accept that he has been traumatized, and get neo-natal therapy for him as soon after birth as possible. Otherwise he will be imprinted with lifelong emotional pain."
In his book, "Deep Feeling, Deep-Healing," Andy Bernay-Roman, during a therapy session with his own daughter discovered this phenomena:
""I'm getting a horrible feeling. I've felt it before, and it scares me. It's taking me way down."
"Go with it, honey. We'll keep you safe. What's the feeling?" we ask, concerned and curious.
"It's in my stomach, and it's making me nauseous.
"Stay with it."
"It's horrible. It sounds weird to say it, but it's like somehow God doesn't want me to be to be born," Kaia cried. "How can I be here if God doesn't want me here?" She moaned gently and started gagging.
I'm stunned. My brain races and I start sweating. "What's going on here? What's she talking about? This is no conscious belief she's ever expressed to me before. What can she possibly mean by this?"
Kaia too broke into a sweat, with wrinkles of dismay quilting her brow.
Then it hit me! "It's me she's talking about!" Unbeknownst to Kaia, before her birth, upon learning of her mother's pregnancy, (we weren't married), I was not pleased. I loved my bachelor's ways, and did not want a child. On my insistence, her mother made an appointment at the local abortion clinic, and only there, in the waiting room, did she burst into tears with, "I can't do this! I'm having this baby!" I reluctantly agreed. But for months before, I actively hadn't wanted the child, and little fetus - Kaia, somehow had picked up on it, and was currently experiencing that memory. For her own healing, and for mine.
"I'm so sorry," I blubbered out loud. "Kaia, that's not God. That's me before you were born. I wanted your mother to have an abortion. I'm so sorry, sweetie."
Little vulnerable tears spilled out of Kaia's eyes.
"I've been carrying this awful feeling my whole life!"
"I was young and stupid. I'm so sorry. I do want you here, and God has always wanted you here. It was just me who didn't want you for a short while -- and that was before I met you. I've wanted you ever since."
The deepest nagging doubt about her existence had today come undone, uprooted from the recesses of her fetal imprinted mind. Kaia cried and cried.
"I'm so sorry," I kept stammering.
Similarly to this patient, Kaia, I was not wanted upon conception. The level of my self-worth in the eyes of my parents and family, but more importantly God, was non-existent. The message I received, even as an unborn child was that I should not exist, I don't deserve to exist, God doesn't want me to exist."
Rejection, especially when beginning in the fetal stage, is so wounding and painful that the mind refuses to focus on it. This is extremely dangerous because we then push the pain deep within our subconscious. It can create real problems later on in life and patterns are set in place. Dr. William R. Emerson, in The Vulnerable Prenate, claims that "prenatal traumas provide "tinctures" for later experiences. Stated differently, life experiences are perceived in terms of prior and unresolved traumas." Fear of rejection can lead to codependency, jealousy, and anger, among other negative emotions. Until the source of these emotions is addressed, the patterns will continue. Life will force the individual to face the issue and look at it deeply, but this must be looked at from the beginning or the genesis.
I cannot count the times that I have noticed the strong patterns that have developed in my life in relation to my genesis. The rejection I experienced in the womb and throughout my childhood were the beginning of the patterns of my lack of self-worth, the beginnings of the "I Am Nots." I am now sure that this rejection pattern led to the occurrences of rejection in almost all of my relationships, eventually leading to the rejection by my ex-husband. This leads to deep pain and broken trust in all relationships, leading to an overwhelming feeling of betrayal. This had led me to the point of rejecting all relationships myself, so that I could survive and protect myself from this pattern. But it kept happening anyway! This is because my mind refused to focus on the painful experience of my conception. Dr. William R. Emerson, in The Vulnerable Prenate, claims that "prenatal traumas provide "tinctures" for later experiences. Stated differently, life experiences are perceived in terms of prior and unresolved traumas." Fear of rejection can lead to codependency, jealousy, and anger, among other negative emotions. Until the source of these emotions is addressed, the patterns will continue. Life has now forced me to face the issue and look at it deeply, and to feel it deeply, so that it could heal.
Prayer for healing and release: I am grateful for Your artistic creation in me. I love and accept myself just as I am. I am your masterpiece and I deserve to be here to carry out your work.
I now declare that I am released from any dark spirits that take advantage of the wounds that originated in my genesis. I release my spirit to rejoice in You.