Left another hostel and took a final stroll around Chaing Mai. I stopped at a black canyon coffee place before heading out for good. You know, this is probably dumb of me, but I swear I can never figure out what im supposed to do in stores and restaurants here in Thailand. Like sometimes im supposed to sit myself, sometimes im supposed up wait for someone to tell me where to sit, sometimes im supposed to order from the counter. I just don't know what im doing.
In America I can tell who's working, I can tell what kind of restaurant im at. I can tell what I need to do... usually, lol. But, here im constantly being a weirdo and I know that the thai people think, like, what's up with this kid (I look young, and making all of these outfits mistakes makes me seem even more naive then i am. i think partially it has to do with my anxiety, like I don't feel it intensely, but i feel this chaotic feeling of oh im gonna fuck this up, i'm definitely going to fuck this up. And so I try so hard to not fuck it up and second guess myself for what I should be doing and then I, of course, fuck it up)?
The people of course always act nice about it, but a few times ive seen them kind of looking at me and talking about me and I feel embarrassed by the fact im so socially awkward. It's one of the reasons ive distanced myself from everyone. Im just sick of making all these mistakes. I know they are minor faux paus but that shit really builds up, and I feel like somehow I never learn. I don't want to be fifty acting like i'm new to the world and new to the social world. It's a huge downer and I wish the was something I could do to be more suave and knowledgeable. Like, it's hilarious that I don't even know how to sit down at a fucking coffee shop/ restaurant.
This shit does happen in America too, just different shit. My psychologist once called my life situation a closed loop. meaning I can't gain the knowledge of other people because i'm so socially isolated so i'm basically in the world trying to figure out how to behave and get things accomplished but with no input or help from others. So growing, for me, is a long difficult arduous process.
Anyways I walked from there to the train station and got on the train. Im on the train while I write this and am heading back to bangkok and then onward to adventure! Or maybe just a hotel. 
Aah, I can relate. I am always anxious when going into places, even in my own home town. Like I suffer from Impostor Syndrome, BADLY.
I think we have to keep reminding ourselves that others probably dont care that much. Five minutes after we are out of their hair, they'd forgot about us...
Probably.
Love your post, the text is so honest and personal and the photos are really interesting!
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thanks. I agree others aren't concerned about us. They are going to be primarily focused on their lives and what they need to do and whatever problems they have.
I guess the only reason I can't let those thoughts evaporate from my mind is because a part of me believes this is a big reason for my isolation and distance from regular human social life.
Anyways thank you for your compliment on my writing style, and photos, I do sometimes worry about how honest I can be online.
Hopefully it doesn't get me into trouble someday. :)
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Oh.. totally relate. I don't get people.. so don't hang put much with them... so don't know how to relate. Closed loops...But you are travelling so that's something!
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yes I am thankful for what i'm doing and what I have managed to do in life. thanks for your comment
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