What White Privilege Means To Me: How to Poop at Fancy Places

The only time I consciously take advantage of White Privilege is when I have to piss or take a shit.

Allow me to explain. Many times I have found myself in a downtown area, and I have to go. You know the feeling, a feeling you cannot ignore. Something has to be done, and fast. But where?

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You look around. There are no public bathrooms. There are just office buildings. Not even a McDonald's or a Starbucks that you can see. But wait- there's hope! You spy a fancy hotel. Maybe, just maybe, if you act right, you can breeze your way into the lobby and find the bathroom. All hotel lobbies have bathrooms. But all hotels also have hotel security. It could be tricky. You really have no choice. It's either the fancy hotel, or... you don't want to consider the alternative.

The trick is to walk into the hotel lobby as if you are staying there. So what if it costs $200 bucks a night? So what if you're wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and sandals? It's how you carry yourself. You walk in there as if you own the place. You walk in there as if you arrived the previous night, have been doing your tourist or business thing, and are arriving back at your hotel. You look busy, you look as if you know where you're going, as if you have your room key in your pocket. You walk with a firm step, you walk with purpose, you walk as if you belong.

You don't ask anyone where the bathroom is. They're usually well marked with signs. You don't make eye contact with people at the desk or (heaven forbid) hotel security. You don't attract attention to yourself. Basically, you try to be invisible. You see the restroom signs and you slide in to do your business. Afterwards, if there is a free newspaper to read (hotels sometimes have free newspapers in the lobby for guests) you grab one, sit down on a comfy hotel chair, and read it. This is insurance for future excursions. People working at the hotel will get to know your face, will recognize you as a guest, and you will have less problems in the future.

To be honest, I don't think this even has to do with being white. It has to do with being a good actor, with understanding and blending in with your surroundings. I know, because I've tried it with friends that are whiter than me. Your skin color isn't as important as your acting chops. I have whiter than snow friends who I have tried this with, and they blow it. You walk in with them and you immediately know they are attracting attention. It's how they carry their head, it's how they walk, it's how they swing their arms. Every movement they make is giving them away, attracting unwanted attention. It's as if they're wearing a blinking neon sign saying "Throw Me Out".

Once you have mastered the art of pooping in fancy hotel lobbies, it's time to up your game to the next level. In hotel lobbies, you don't and shouldn't have to interact with anyone. The next level is fancy restaurants. This takes more finesse. This is because you have to interact with someone. All fancy restaurants will have a maitre d'. You can't just blow past the headwaiter. You have to interact with him or her.

Here's how you manage this situation: You walk in and ask if they are serving dinner yet or still serving lunch or breakfast (depending on what time it is). The maitre d' will say something like "Oh we start serving dinner in 15 minutes" or whatever. Then you ask to see the menu. The headwaiter will give you a menu, and you pretend to be interested in it. You ask "What's the soup of the day?" or some other menu related question. Finally, you ask where the restroom is. In restaurants, it's not always obvious where the restroom is.

When you are leaving the restaurant after your poop, you explain to the maitre d' that you will be back later after you fetch the rest of your party. You are polite and say something like "The fish looks good tonight" or "What do you recommend?" This assures that you can come back and poop there again. You don't want to blow your cover, as you never know when you might be back in the neighborhood with the same dire situation.