Addiction and suicide

Addiction is by all means an illness of the mind. Like most other mental problems it is hereditary throughout the family tree. Now, this  doesn't mean that if you have a relative who is a crack addict that you have a risk of becoming a crack addict yourself. It just doesn't work like that. But, the addictive personality that we all have, in some measure, will most certanly be more noticable on you. This means when you use any sort of addictive substance you have a higher chance of getting hooked on it. The more relatives in the past with addiction problems - the higher does your brain have a chance to develop an addictive personality.



This is my story



It is rather ironic that i am writing this article while having a drink. But that was always the problem with me, just having a drink. The next thing you know i drank the whole bottle of liquor. I can't really tell when i started drinking heavily but it has been over 18 months for sure. I used to mix perscription drugs with alcohol, but i don't do that anymore. I quit them after almost having a heart attack, with my blood pressure going through the roof and losing conciusness for over 24 hours. Before that situation i was so confident and sure that i can quit at any point of time i want, but that i simply don't want to. I never knew i was addicted until i tried to stop. And that's when the reality hit me like a truck. It was a fucking hell. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i had seizures, i was cold all the time, cravings began to get longer and worse, i couldnt think, speak, nothing. I was a dead man walking for 2 days. Then i started taking them again. It was a process of roughly 4 months of more than 30 attempts of staying clean. Now please notice that i am doing all of this on my own hand, without any proffesional help or assistance and i am 16 years old at the time. Eventualy, i did get clean but i was drinking more than ever. Alcohol and weed were an escape frome the claws of the drug cravings. I never really enjoyed smoking weed too much because i usualy get paranid and i am already a paranoid and an extremely skeptical person so i realised weed wasn't for me. I still smoke from time to time though, but only in a safe enviroment with certain people. So, i was drinking, a lot. At that time i didn't give it a second thought because i was so proud of me quiting, i bragged about it, i looked at it as a personal victory. Whenever someone told me that i drink too much i would pull out the old excuse of better this than perscription meds, and they would no questions asked agree every single time. It seemed that it was okay to drink. All my life i was surounded by alcohol, everyone was drinking. My mother and father were drinking a lot and very often, my mother especialy. My older sister drinks, my grandparents from both sides are drinking. And i'm not talking about drinking as if having a drink is a bad thing. I'm talking about every single day drinking till blacking out or vomiting. It was no different for me now. By the time i turned 17 i was no doubt an alcoholic. I would urinate blood in the morning of how much i drank the night before and how dehidrated i was. And the worst part is that i would drink again in the evening. My kidneys hurt like hell, i couldn't pee normaly, i developed kidney stones. I started comforting myself by saying that it was okay for me to drink because i have addiction in my genes. I was getting out of controll since i started being very agressive when drunk. I was starting fights, screaming in the streets cursing god calling him out, i slept in the parks because i couldn't even walk back home. One time the police found me and took me home. I was spending a lot of time alone, drinking. I'm always overthinking and alcohol makes me think even more and question my every decision i ever made. Night by night, liter by liter, i was getting more and more depressed. So i started contemplating suicide. At first only when drunk. But i was experienced with this so i knew i was out of my mind, that i am just drunk and i would snap out of it and forget about it. The problems began when i began thinking of killing myself even when sober. Then, there was no excuse for why i was feeling that way. I was scared that if i keep getting drunk out of my mind that i might dissobey myself and actualy attempt killing myself. So i tried quitting alcohol. The old horrific feeling ran through my bones after about 30 hours of being sober. I panicked. It was the same feeling as when i was getting clean from perscription drugs. This was the bottom of the deepest point in my life. That same night i took my fathers handgun, locked myself in the bathroom, put one bullet in the magazine, cocked it, put it to the side of my head and closed my eyes. I was using all of my mindpower to pull the triger but my brain simply didn't send the signals to the finger. I couldn't do it. I could, i just realised that this cant be the solution and that i have things to live for. I realised that there is hope and that i'm being a fool. I put the gun down and went to sleep. Today, almost half a year since that night, i am still not sober but i controll myself, on the amount and frequency of drinking. I spend time with my family more than i used to and i tend not think about that chapter of my life, but i for surely will never forget it.

Belgrade, Serbia