Unconditional Love & Acceptance: The 2 Things That Helped Me Stay Sober

in addiction •  7 years ago  (edited)

Some of you may have read in June that I have been sober for 10 years now.

The article: "Today Is 10 Years of Sobriety For Me!!" talked a lot about the actual quitting, but I didn't get into what kept me sober. The willpower to quit was all me, yet there were some defining moments that kept me off the bottle for good.

Meet my Uncle Ken and Aunt Dawn

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These two beautiful souls have been like parents to me. Definitely the parents I always wished I had, yet we don't get to pick that stuff, we're born where we are born, and sometimes it's up to us to make our own families. So without going into too many details, lets just say I grew up with a lot of judgement, and a lot of un-acceptance.

Love was very conditional. I had to do things to get love. I had to be the best in sports, get straight A's...all that shit, I had to be perfect, and then and only then did I matter in my home growing up. It was always short lived though because there were always new and next goals I had to achieve.

Drinking and Self Esteem

When I discovered alcohol it was like I found the magic potion to stop giving a fuck what anyone thought of me. I could feel good. I could be in public without any nervousness! And of course you don't need to read my previous sobriety blog to know that it's a slippery slope to hell using a substance to give us self esteem, self worth. My life became more problematic than ever as the years progressed. I wish I had more photos to show you but the internet wasn't really a thing yet when I was boozing and there was certainly no social media, one day I'll write some memoirs of my stupidity but for now here's one pic I found:


Even without a drink in my hand I'm still holding a drink LOL!

So this was me, from about age 15 until 26. I was the ultimate party girl, fuck I'd drink anywhere, if you had me in your vehicle...there was a beer in my hand. Beach...beers. After work...beers. Beer Beer Beer Beer! And my life was spiralling out of control. I was hurting people I loved. I never could hold down any kind of relationship for more than 3 months. I was fighting a lot. Saying stupid shit all the time. Just being a punk.

In my life growing up, if I ever made mistakes, stupid decisions I got "kicked out". Of the family. Oh yes, I was out and in more than...well I can't think of any good analogies that aren't totally sick, so let's just say, I'm not used to acceptance and unconditional love. When I made the decision to quit I hadn't talked to my immediate family for a pretty long time, and I was living in Edmonton, where my closest relatives were Aunt Dawn and Uncle Ken (who I will refer to from now on as Mumsie and Popsie cause that's what I call em).

Mumsie and Popsie are the most loving and accepting people on the face of the Earth. They don't judge anyone, and let others live their lives. I did some stupid shit, and they never kicked me out of their lives. They never said "I'm disappointed in you Lyndsay". They never cut me loose. It was just love, love love and some more love and then a bunch more acceptance. It was because of that unconditional love that I was able to self reflect. No one was pushing against me. I had nothing to rebel against...I really got some good looks at myself and my behaviour and I decided after one particularly scary and rough night, enough was enough.

Quitting and Staying Quit

Did they respect me more after I quit? Was I treated better? No. Mumsie and Popsie still loved me the exact same, sober or drunk. They never made a big deal of it, or said what a better person I was sober. They just Love ME. Any way. Any day. You know how damn scarce that kind of love is? For me, I only have a handful of people in my life that are like this. My husband is one, and my best friend is the other. It seems like all other love I've ever had in my life was absolutely conditional on me, my choices and my behaviour. At this point I hadn't even met my husband yet, so really, these are the first adults that really showed me what Unconditional Love is.

My most defining moment, and I will always remember this as long as I live...is this one night. I had been quit for about 3 months. We were having a fire in Mumsie and Popsie's backyard, and Popsie comes over to me and he says: "You know Lyndsay, even if you hadn't quit drinking, I would never give up on you." Okay, pausing to cry...

Those words are the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my entire life so far. Just knowing that I didn't have to do anything special to have them by my side. I had no hoops to jump through. I didn't have to be any certain way...that was what kept me sober for as long as I have been. That sigh of relief...that acceptance...that knowledge that I will be loved no matter what, gave me the breathing room I needed to live the life I am proudly living now.

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My immediate family still judges me, now it's for the life I live, being a free-hug giver, an activist, someone who doesn't care a fuck about money, someone who wants to grow food, give everything away. They think I should only help "my family" and not concern myself with strangers' problems around the world. They think blood is thicker than water, but to me, everyone on this planet is my family. I haven't even talked to them in 3 years because I just can't handle the negativity and the awkwardness. The conditions. And in comes Mumsie...the last time they were here visiting...and she says to me: "Lyndsay I'm so proud of you, just keep doing exactly what you are doing".

I'm Everything I Am...

Because They Loved Me

Never underestimate the power of unconditional Love. It is something we can all give freely, it doesn't cost a dime. It's our super power as Human Beings. It can change lives, it can save lives. I hope this blog was helpful in some way, it was definitely healing for me to get this out that's for sure. Thank you once again, for witnessing my journey...

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I am not able to write the comment here that I need to write, but I just want to say how much I am happy at your ten years of sobriety.
I have been sober for fifteen years, but in the end, mine doesn't come with the beautiful story of unconditional love, although I got sober because a stranger (or near stranger, a university professor) cared enough to extend their hand to a drowning man.

And I was able to grab on and get back to where my feet could touch the ground. That was a lot longer than fifteen years ago, but the very same experience was enough to replay in my head when I had fallen off the wagon.
Took a while and several disasters, but seven years after the first time, and one year after falling off the wagon, there I was, climbing back on.

Once again with no contact with sober people to help, nor any support at all, having burned my life up entirely, just a knowledge that I wouldn't be able to keep on drinking without paying the ultimate price, sooner or later.

The original experience with the AAers served twice as I got sober the first time by learning, and the second time by remembering there is only today, and every day that I don't take a drink I am sober, and tomorrow can be dealt with when it comes.

And here I am, living in Spain, with alcohol everywhere, including in my own fridge, and I don't have the slightest problem with it.

well, I am rambling, but anyway, all power to you.

you have done good little weed, damn good

Not rambling at all, I loved reading that, I've read it a couple times now...I just want to tell you that you are so strong to have been able to quit all on your own and with your own strength with no one else to lean on, you are Amazing. Your life has a purpose, and I know you will find all that you need as you continue on. <3 <3 I'm so grateful you shared this part of your story with me, with all of us here on the blockchain. Thank you for being so real.

I have hardly ever been straight, I suppose I should point out too, in all that time. :)
I like most drugs and still use some of them.

well, I was straight for three years mid 2007 to 2010, to become a better bike racer, but alcohol just became no go for me, once I got sober and even though I have considered it, I have never since fallen for it's wiley charms.
I know it's my back up plan if suicide ever became today's real topic, I am sure I would crack open a beer first, and see how I felt after that.

might be useful, sort of leaving las vegas style

:)

Thanks for your comment and your article.

stay strong

You stay strong too, thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know you better <3 :)

DAMN...You were a drunk too.

I was from 15-27...Sunday I just hit 20 years....

I know, that makes me old.

Amazing article that summarizes what takes place. There is a saying that I am not rewarded for doing what I should have been doing all along. That is exactly what happens when we get sober. We expect the kudos, a round of applause, and the world to bow to us. Of course, most of the world isnt drinking either and showing up for work (that one tended to be a tough one for me at the end).

I can identify with the negativity. It is amazing, in 20 years, my dad hasnt changed a bit. He is still full of the defects of character that he helped to instill in me. I can see his misery and control issues today. They did not leave. He derives his worth by putting others down. I guess when your favorite phrase is "You're wrong", that tells the entire story.

In the end, we need to do what is best for us and true to ourselves. It is totally insane to live for the opinions of others. Ultimately, they are either as neurotic as we are or simply do not care.

Congrats on 10 years and keep up the inspiring work.

I wish I could give this 1000% SP Upvote.

Omg I love this it's soooooooo true:

It is totally insane to live for the opinions of others. Ultimately, they are either as neurotic as we are or simply do not care.

Thank you for that gem...and for writing a bit of your story here. It's cool to have found another kindred spirit <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

You know as well as I do that when it comes to this dance, my and your stories are one...it is all the same. The thinking, the reactions, the isolation and destruction of those around us is all the same.

Incomprehensible demoralization....big words but something we are intimate with.

Thank you for sharing @lyndsaybowes, I've learned a lot about you on a personal level - but you've also shared some life lessons that everyone (I'm sure) needs to be reminded of.

I for one am not very comfortable in being myself, not only there's some concern for what others think, but I'm not always pleased with my level of flaws - past or present. I would like to, in a lot of areas, adopt the care free attitude you have.

I read a quote (on twitter?) last week that spoke something to the effect of, "It's those who have been through life's worst who can best offer encouragement to others".

Thanks for not hiding who you are! :D I'm glad to have known you even for a short time frame.

Well I thank you for the authenticity it took to write down one of your struggles here. I think that as humans, and adults, we're so used to trying to appear like we have it all together, that there isn't a lot of realness at times, and definitely vulnerability is looked down upon. So, thank you for being so real with me. I'm really glad to call you a friend!

That is so frikkin beautiful! I am that one person that cries in every movie, no matter what and this made me drop a tear, too.
Unconditional love is hard to find, sometimes your own family is unable to give it, that is unfortunate and painful, but true. I guess you can't give unconditional love if you don't know what it is and a lot of people are living without this beautiful thing.
I am happy that you have people to love and cherish, as everybody deserves that in their lives!

Thank you so much for this heartfelt response Linda, I'm glad you felt what I was conveying...it definitely made me cry just writing it all out. I'm lucky as hell, and super blessed to have them in my life. Hugs for you!!

You, too, best of wishes!

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

Wow, powerful story. Its seems hard backgrounds and upbringings can really make life challenging for many people, but you're one of the ones who is strong, makes a huge change and inspires others. Beautiful story, and congrats on getting over major life hurdles, and much love to the ones who loved you and helped you along the way. You're an important warrior in our fight for a better planet!

Thank you very much @enjay, it's so good to hang with you here on Steemit!! YAY!!! My warrior Brother!!!!! xoxoxxoxoxox Thank you for innerstanding this story and for supporting me always!!!

Great post. I know personally what love can do. Love is the reason why am here today. I spent 10years at the same institution I schooled, not able to graduate, i was ready to give up, but the love of my loving mum kept me going.am happy you are sharing this, I belive through this story and comments a lot of lives will be influenced for the better, parents will learn to love their children and give them attention, cos that's the most important thing a person needs in those dark moments.

Bless your dear Mum <3 <3 <3 I'm so happy you have someone like that in your life Gabriel...Thank you for this awesome comment!

You welcome Lyndsay. And thanks for the upvote

Very moving story. You were indeed blessed to have these amazing people offer what you nedeed most when you needed it most. Your post makes it clear your problems had much to do with your parents and the way you were raised, so I tried to read it as a parent. What struck me most was this

It was because of that unconditional love that I was able to self reflect. No one was pushing against me. I had nothing to rebel against.

That's a good reminder to us all. God luck on your journey and many more years of sobriety.

Thank you very much for being able to take something out of this Lady Rebecca. Their ways have certainly helped me become a more conscious and able parent. Thank you for the kind wishes...<3 Hugs!

First of all . Congrats on 10 years. You are a miracle. I dont know you but trust me I know you. I love how the best way to heal ourselves is by sharing our story in an effort to heal others. I am sure that your story has saved more than one life. Its is you who are giving out the unconditional love. The more we give out the more we get. Yours is the story of a hero's journey. I have recent realized that ours is a journey with no end and no room for rest. If we are not moving forward we are moving backwards. Its not that we owe to ourselves to keep moving , we have to lead the way for those further back on the path

What a heart touching and beautiful comment @sostrin, it actually gave me goosebumps. Thank you so much for the empathy, and I understand by your words that you have had a similar path to mine with addiction?

November 3rd I will have been clean for 5 years. Recovery is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found so many brothers and sisters that I never knew I had. I thought that I was the only one. What a relief

Wow, congratulations on your amazing achievement!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I'm glad also to know that I'm far from alone...

omg thank you @lyndsaybowes this was amazing.. we have more in common then you know. I'm so happy for you! 10 years is an incredible accomplishment! I'm on my way:) I totally relate to your story in so many ways, including the unconditional love! we are so lucky to have family that is not wiling to give up on us.. like soooo lucky! my mom and dad have been in my corner through all my struggle and doubt. they never left my side and I couldn't be more grateful for them especially being on the other side. wow this brought me back.. I'm so happy I found you. I can't wait to continue reading your articles and maybe we can be friends:) thank you.

Thank you so much for this passionate comment Steven! I can feel the good vibes just pouring off you :) :) :)

I don’t have too much to say. But I’m proud of you! I just wanted to let you know that I was here, I support you, and all that mushy gushy stuff that I’m terrible at. Much love friend Lyndsay.

I wish we were closer geographically! <3 I think of you as a friend and feel a real close connection to you! I’m sure you get that all the time. You’re such an awesome person.

I definitely feel a connection with you too, haha, I know I wouldn't have to censor myself around you and THAT is something that means a lot to me!! Would be so cool to be neighbours...

I’m so glad I’m not the only weirdo around these parts! ;) maybe one day I’ll visit Canada! Haha if you’re ever in Oregon you must come for a visit! :)

It sounds like your parents put you through a lot. Sorry you had to go through that. And what a difference just two people can make!


I heard my philosophy professor arguing with a colleague once.

The colleague was upset that his daughter was taking drugs and getting into trouble. He said that he'd tried to help her a couple of times, but that he was finished now. "If people keep helping her, she'll never learn to make the right decisions."

My professor said, "You're wrong. When someone needs help, you give it. God will sort out the details. That's his job."

Oooh wow....I really love that Winston! God will sort out the details. That's a gooder! Wonderful philosophy, thank you so much for sharing it.

As for my folks, it's water under the bridge now, I've had such a great and peaceful life this last 3 years, I know that I've made the right choice by just staying away. I've let go of the anger. I wouldn't be the person I am without the pain either, right? <3 <3

This is super sweet. Thank YOU for being one of the most loving and accepting people I know.

Aw, that's really kind of you to say Amy! xoxox

What a beautifully written tale of strength and love. Thank you so much for sharing because I know for a fact that even if they don't feel able to comment your words will both help and show people that there is light at the end of even the darkest tunnels. Love is the most powerful force in the universe and once you understand that and receive it then you realise that you can achieve anything and be who you were always meant be. @lyndsaybowes you're both a revelation and an inspiration and I respect your strength, courage and passion from the bottom of my heart! Big respect from me!!

Thank you so much, I respect you very much too PerceptualFlaws you always have a wise word to give, and I hope you are feeling better from your man cold soon!! :) :) :)

This post really tugged at my heartstrings. Thank goodness there are people in this world who are nonjudgmental and have a great capacity for love. I also grew up in a family much like yours. Nothing was ever good enough. Love came with strings attached. But like you, there were people who believed in me and loved me for who I am. Thank goodness for those people...

Oooooh thank you for resonating Ceci, my eyes are still wet to tell you the truth...it's pretty emotional stuff for me, and I'm so damn grateful that you ended up finding Unconditional Love, Acceptance and real support in your life as well. We all deserve to be loved in this way. I'm sending thanks to your Angels...

Thank you...

Lyndsay, I can't tell you how awesome you are and how much you have come to mean to me since we met. This post is one of your best pieces of work and I love all your stuff. You can't chose the family you're born into but you can chose the one you spend your life with. Girl you are CLASS!
Love ya babe ❤️

You brighten all my days my Tremendous Friend! Thank you so much for reading this and for 'getting it', I'm glad to be able to touch your heart. Yes, HORRAY for choosing our own Family. Choosing those who we will spend out precious time on this Earth with. None of us are stuck, we're not trees!

Love you too Mr! xoxoxoxoxox

So true babe, I really feel for those who are a stuck with family that don't accept them for who they are or can't forgive past indiscretions. They way you've turned your life around should be applauded. Alcohol can be such a destructive force on those predisposed to alcoholism and your story shows what a brave bird you are. Don't give up the weed though babe cause that would be just wrong 😜

PPP passing one to ya across the North Atlantic!

Takes a long sweet toke on that lovely Canadian grass!
Oh yeah baby! 😆

That was cool of you to share. Everyone struggles with something and im glad you had that support and love. My parents were the same way. They both passed on but left me with a good road map of how to live and treat others. We all need more love and compassion without judgement. Shit i still have a lot to work on but dont we all? Im the functioning type so they say. Ill be fine, just not sure of others around me. Always thinking of the cool Bowes family and hope all is well. BTW the wedding photo is super cute!

Heyyyyy so good to see you Mr Evans! Brendan and I were just talking about you and where you've been lately! :) :) I'm so glad that you had unconditional love and support growing up <3 <3 <3 You are a beautiful Soul!

Wow thank you Lindsay! You are an incredibly sweet person with such a loving spirit. I have been working 12 hr days and just beat
lately. Im upvoting and checking your posts as much as I can. Im always watching and admiring you guys from far away. I show people your posts everwhere i go if i meet a cool person cause you bring such love and share great information people need to know!

BTW I am missing your music! Tell Brendan hi and much love to your whole family. Thanks for thinking of me!

Aw, you're so sweet! Yes I will for sure pass your message along to Brendan! On Saturday we're recording that Steem Funded song!! You will hear it soooon!

Awww yeah! Ill bet your excited!

Oh yeah practically shaking hahaha!!

@lyndsaybowes
so inspiring and touching post... self will to have a positive change is the real deal... you made it and am proud of you.... keep it up and thanks for sharing this story

Thank you so much for being able to get something positive out of this story from my life Ken. Big Hugs!!

Sure ... @lyndsaybowes you my steemian of the month 🙆 keep being strong for us... Do also find time to check my blog posts 😋

It's good to have good people like that in your life. Congratulations on your 10 years of sobriety.

Well congratulations! That's a big milestone.

I'm not allowed to drink myself. I black out and become unpredictable.

@originalworks

Well good on you for recognizing that and for staying away from the liquor! :) Solidarity Hugs n Love @venomnymous!

Thanks. No where near your level of struggle and perseverance. I was just a guy who had a brief..brief encounter with alcohol it was ugly and now I don't touch it.

You really achieved something impressive. And look what you have now. A fantastic garden and family and a network of truther fam.

Aw, thank you my friend, I definitely am feeling super blessed with how life has turned out for me!! XOxoXOXOoxXOX :) :) I appreciate your support V!

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

Hi lyndsay :)
It was really great to read and understand about the things happened to you and your life , well the great thing is that you went to a point of understanding the truth about the world , the planet , and the things you do is just like a free and real human , a person who is not under control of any system and take care of poor people around the world , and a voice for them , it was so good to know about your kind uncle and aunt , people like them , it's not easy to find people like them , meaning of freedom , live and let live , and they didn't give up on you , but I also hope your parents also become good to you , I know it's none of my business :) but I wish things become well and they come to you too.
best wishes for you and your family <3

Thank you for writing me David <3

Thank you dear Lyndsay for sharing your story about the power of unconditional love and how it has helped you to achieve and maintain sobriety from your addiction.
I am an addict myself and although I wish I could tell a similar story of success in overcoming it, my last relapse has just ended a couple days ago and I am doubtful that it was the last. I have been using drugs for over 20 years before I actually understood that they are hurting me and it still took a long while until I was ready to go into treatment. That has helped me to stay clean and even for a while longer than the treatment lasted, but not for very long.
I am ashamed of myself for being so weak and I have little hope left to believe that I will ever be able to tell such a great story like you have shared.

Never be ashamed of yourself @toastytraeumt, you keep trying and that's what matters. Perhaps you would get something out of this short video, I know it helped me gain a lot of understanding about the real root causes of addiction:

That is a wonderful achievement. It is wonderful to have those people around you who are there for you no matter what. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and important post with us

Thanks so much for reading it SeaReader...xo

really very great addiction post..
thanks for sharing...upvoted

Thank you so much for reading it Robert :)

Eres un orgullo felicidades amigo gracias por compartir un poco de tu felicidad con nosotros saludos desde Venezuela 💜

Muchas gracias por celebrar conmigo :)

really touched my heart!!

Thank you for reading and feeling @killerkuasha!

posting a very good friend, continue good luck always

Thank you @humaidi :)

yes you are welcome...

This wonderful post has received a bellyrub 0.29 % upvote from @bellyrub thanks to this cool cat: @overkillcoin. My pops @zeartul is one of your top steemit witness, if you like my bellyrubs please go vote for him, if you love what he is doing vote for this comment as well.

So touching