Crucify the Crazed

(This is a piece from my blog. Visit rnzgr.wordpress.com for more.)

When I was 19 I was admitted by my own consent into a mental health facility in Houston Texas. I was checked in under a dual diagnosis. Heroin addiction and suicidal tendencies, along with a cornucopia of other lesser issues like Bi-Polar NOS 1 and severe anxiety, agoraphobia, depression.

They immediately doped me up on Lithium and an onslaught of antidepressants, sedatives, and even Thorazine. Being the addict that I most certainly am, I would frequently and deliberately complain about trivial “symptoms”, so that they would increase my doses to the point that I was constantly on the edge of unconsciousness. I wasn’t there because I was “crazy.” I was there because I was a junkie, and the only thing I wanted in this world was to get high. I wasn’t there to “get help.” I wasn’t there to redeem myself. I was there to escape. To hide from the fact that I was homeless and helpless and completely hooked on opiates.

As fucked up as I was, I saw the lost souls around me who truly were sick and afflicted. Who heard voices and couldn’t escape their demons, even with the drugs the nurses would hand out three times a day. One man collected his own urine and feces in the little foam cups we received every meal and snack time. For whatever reason, he wouldn’t throw it away and he was eventually isolated because it caused problems with his roommate, for reasons that should be obvious. Another man would hear voices constantly telling him to kill his brother in law because he loved his sister more than him. He knew those thoughts were wrong, but he still wanted to follow through and kill the man with his bare hands…so he checked himself into treatment. Despite being heavily medicated and sedated to the point of being a zombie, he claimed he still heard the voices.

One lady in particular had a profound effect on me. She was schizophrenic, along with a number of other diagnosis I can no longer remember. She was the sweetest person in the world during the day, despite being completely spaced out and prone to say the most batshit crazy stuff. If she knew someone was sad or angry she would try, in her own unique and “crazy” way, to cheer them up and bring them out of it. I remember the one short conversation we shared in the community room. She gleefully told me about her husband Jesus and her boyfriend, Chester of Linkin Park, and how wonderful all their lives were. She excitedly pointed out “Her husband’s yellow truck” as it drove past us through the window on Highway 45. There wasn’t a malicious or selfish bone in her body. She was just…crazy. Every night between midnight and 1 AM she would wake up screaming bloody murder. Like, a horror movie scream. It would wake up the whole floor and nurses would run to her room. I got goosebumps whenever it would happen and adrenaline would flow through my veins, because you could hear the terror in this poor woman’s voice. This wasn’t a plea for attention. This wasn’t a cry for help. She was petrified. She would scream to the nurses that someone “evil” was in her room and “sucking the energy from her body” and she would sob and wail until the nurses injected her with Thorazine and knocked her into a chemical coma.

I am sharing these stories because mental illness is being scapegoated in this country. Whether it be to demonize transgender and gender deviant individuals or to push gun control, both the left and right sides of the political spectrum frequently cite “mental illness” as their reasoning for either martyring or crucifying an idea that clashes with their worldview. They will confidently proclaim an entire group of people to be “crazy” when the truth is, they don’t have the slightest clue what crazy is. They’ve never seen with their own eyes the people soiling themselves and babbling to entities that aren’t there, but whenever they are faced with an idea that they cannot comprehend, suddenly they become Sigmund fucking Freud. They will shout from the highest mountain top that an individual who is experiencing gender dysphoria is out of their minds and in no way capable of being a productive member of society. Not because it is the truth, not because they have any understanding of even basic psychology, but because it confirms their own bigotry and narrow-mindedness. Because it gives them a reason to spew their hatred and ignorance.

I can see the lie. Anyone who has been face to face with real insanity can. I will not be silent when I see people throwing this bullshit around, and neither should you. You should be appalled. Infuriated! Because they are lying to YOU as well as the rest of us. They are playing you for a fool to satisfy some inner moral agenda that applies to none of us. It only serves to confirm their deep seated fears and insecurities. Spit upon them! Think for yourselves! Do not listen to voices of fear and ignorance. Find your own voice. Know yourself, and know the false prophets