No Beard? No Problem! Just Don't Do This...

Jason Momoa, Henry Cavill, and Ben Affleck. What do all these people have in common?

Aside from being part of the cast that comprises the clearly inferior Justice League (which comes out November 15th, countdown the days to disappointment) they can all grow some pretty badass, manly beards.

And you may be thinking to yourself “man, I wish I could look like that!” but there’s only one problem; your face is about as hairy as a chimpanzee in a shampoo testing lab. What a kick to the ego, right? How are you supposed to impress the ladies with your baby ass face? That’s not manly! It’s barely adolescent. But it’s okay, as long as you don’t buy into the lie so many men before you have fallen for.
Minoxidil.

Originally designed for men undergoing their midlife crisis and attempting get their hairline back into something respectable, Minoxidil has recently been adopted by those in their early 20’s with crippling inadequacy issues over a little face scruff. To these smooth chins, Minoxidil is the key to that glorious face fur that only few are able to grow beautifully without a care in the world. The only problem? Well, aside from it NOT BEING DESIGNED FOR FACIAL HAIR GROWTH, dummies, it’s blatantly obvious to see those who use it.

Allow me to give some follicular context; there are two types of hair, with the first being vellus. This is the hair you look at obsessively three inches away from a mirror that appears short, slight coloured, and very thin. The second type is terminal, which is converted from vellus hair during puberty as androgens come into play. This is the hair you want - the thick, dark and masculine hair that differentiates current day Aquaman from that abomination that we saw in the earlier days of the comic/cartoon.

When hair thins, it’s a result from terminal hair reverting back into vellus, and that’s where Minoxidil comes into play. Sparing you the boring details it works to convert that thin, stringy gross stuff back into those luscious locks we all love. This is its only designed purpose, and it does well at that, with a few side effects of course.

But for those who see Minoxidil as that one song from Mulan, I have bad news - it will not make a man out of you. Why? Because when applied to an area with little to no follicular potential, it can only produce vellus hair. Gotta have money to make money, and this is no exception. Instead of looking like a spartan, you end up paying homage to that weird kid who sat alone, eating his boogers in the high school cafeteria. What’s more, once treatment with Minoxidil has ended, the vellus hairs cease their growing. Minoxidil is to hair growth as anabolic steroids are to muscle mass and performance. Imagine playing at a blackjack table in Vegas where you’re always up. You keep winning and winning, but you can never cash out - not to mention your winnings are tainted by hairy earlobes and skin as if you fell into the same vat of acid the Joker did.

Facial hair is primarily dependant on genetics. If it’s not in the cards, you can’t just call Jack-high a straight flush. But it’s cool, there are a lot of ways to distract from your luge track face; getting in great shape for example. Train your body like the spartan you want to be, and nobody will have time to look your baby-butt cheeks (not your actual butt, I’m just running out of analogies). Actually, I wrote a little piece on how to optimize that transformation - you should check it out, beats the shit out of this blurb anyway.

TL;DR do what ya can with what ya got, and embrace your face. The only thing that looks worse than no hair, is scraggly strands popping out of dried out skin because you couldn’t come to terms with your genetic makeup.

Don’t hate me, hate the family tree.