"He doesn't treat me as he should and I don't know what to do about it. Any advice?"

Hi Nomad,

Am I demanding too much? I really don’t know what to do anymore... Let me tell you my story from the beginning:

We met on a blind date over a year ago. He was my first love and our relationship flourished. After six months we had a mini-crisis, that is we had scheduled to meet to celebrate our anniversary but he didn’t show up. After 15 minutes of waiting he called and explained that he had fallen asleep. I was so hurt! I had thought about it all night long and in the morning I told him I would need a break. It didn’t make sense to me that on the day we were supposed to celebrate he would fall asleep and not show up.

Our break lasted for five days, mostly because I was convinced that it was not such a big deal and I should not break up because of such a minor thing. We came back to each other’s arms, carried on, and it was wonderful. I was so happy we didn’t break up. Each time we meet I have such a good time and he says he loves me and that he will want to live with me forever.

Then he began working two jobs and since then he has not had much time for us. There are days we hardly speak on the phone. He suggested that we'd live together and although I agreed he is so busy he can’t find time to look for a flat.

Last Saturday we spent the whole day together and it was fantastic! On Sunday he had not called. He said that he had worked late and only got home at 1:30am . A few days later we had spoken and scheduled to talk later, but when I called he didn’t answer. Today he called me and said he had fallen asleep. Again!!

I really don’t know what to do anymore. It makes sense that one would fall asleep but it also makes sense to call me, the “love of his life” as he claims I am to him.

It is difficult. I know for sure that he loves me and doesn’t play games. When we celebrated our one year anniversary he bought me an a-m-a-z-i-n-g gift. He is very warm and loving but for some reason, I get hurt time and again by little things that he does.

The worst happened when I had to go through a hand surgery and he didn’t even call me. I was so disappointed. Although he apologized afterward, the hurt is still there. I know that if the situation was the opposite I would not only call him but would come to the hospital with him.

I know how difficult it is to find a serious relationship of TrueLove of the kind I have now. But should I leave him now because he is very busy and obviously I am not his first priority, or should I stay with him and suffer because I get hurt? Is our problem one of timing? I would not want to leave him to understand later that I made a mistake, and no one is perfect.

I am so confused. Right now, as far as I am concerned, he is on probation because I am convinced that most of the problems will be solved once we move in together. What should I do?

Thank you,

Zoe

Credit: deviantart

Zoe,

There is one thing that you can be certain of – the problem will not go away when you two live together. Your situation may soften for a while and may dawdle for a period of time or be expressed in different directions, but the core issue will definitely not dissolve on its own.

So, what is this "core issue"?

Before anything else you must remind yourself that your spouse merely reflects in the outside something that is buried within you, some kind of a personality challenge that you need to work on and only now, when you are safe and protected inside the borders of a loving relationship, do you care enough to deal with that personality challenge.

What is it within you that seeks attention?

Notice that what you ask from your spouse is a better attitude, more thoughtfulness, more attention, more consideration or in one big word – more love. Your spouse, you protest, fails to give you all that in the quality and quantity that you want. It seems that his two jobs, double shifts, sleeping patterns, and repeated apologies only exacerbate the situation in order to make you examine what is going on here and to ask the important questions:

• Do you give yourself love?

• Do you love yourself enough and as you should?

• Is there any aspect of your life in which you are not fully satisfied? (A behavior, your looks, your professional career?)

• Can you fully and wholly accept the person that you are right now?

Rejecting who we are or avoiding parts of us necessitates something or someone from the outside to love us and give us what is missing. Even though such a filling can happen in the short run with one partner or the other, in the long run, if we fail to attend to this inner lack that we feel, it will certainly be mirrored outside. Such reflection, such mirroring, will happen even in the company of the most loving human on earth. You will never be able to receive from the outside, that is from your partner, what you yourself keep from yourself. This is a basic grand rule for relationship and life in general.

My advice to you –

Spend some time with yourself and ask the basic questions above. Practice “loving yourself”. The outer change will not come immediately and several similar situations in which you will feel disappointed and rejected may reoccur. However, as long as you remind yourself that everything that happens is a reflection of something that lies within you, and more importantly that you are working to change that inner condition, then you will feel better and powerful, and that in itself will bring the change.

Naturally, you can choose to do that inner work while being in a relationship or outside one. You can leave him, work on yourself and then look for a new spouse. You can also take a break. It doesn't matter actually because it's not about him or your relationship. It's about you, as I have explained above. It's a skill to be in a relationship and grow oneself. Do you have the patience, the stamina? The reward may be a comforting hug from your beloved in those hours where you are confused and baffled about life.

Good luck!