"Is it OK and normal for me to have 'space' in my relationship with my boyfriend?"

Excerpt: Why are we so afraid to claim what is good for us in a relationship? It's because we think that if we love ourselves it necessarily comes at the expense of the other, and we do not want to hurt their feelings. However, when we feel bad we convey this, telepathically, to our loved ones (spouses, children, colleagues etc) and they also begin to feel the guilt and remorse. Soon enough the relationship becomes toxic and collapses.

We live in the age of individualism. To be able to take care of ourselves, while being in a relationship is an art. Very few people know how to do that and frequently it comes with a price (a slower spiritual growth). In this era, the 21st century, people need time for reflection, time for their own, a "space". And it's normal and healthy to ask and receive it.

Credit: Doug Thomas

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now and he’s my first serious boyfriend. We are both in our middle twenties and our love is blooming. But lately I feel that I want more space; I’m busy with my studies, and I need to be with myself when I am upset and stressed from school. He does not accept it and says that I can learn at his place. He says that there is no such thing as being with him only when I feel like it; he says that relationship is being together.

He also judges me; how I dress or if I am late for a lecture, and I really don’t care. For my part, I don’t criticize how he dresses. It’s good to have someone next to me who brings me back to the ground because I’m a spacey person but sometimes it’s too much. I tell him “let me be who I am”.

I feel that I want to miss him a bit, to renew my strength, although when I am not busy it’s good to be with him for a long time. Maybe I am not built for a relationship? Maybe it is important for me to have moments alone. Is it normal? Is it possible to have a boyfriend and to be by myself when I want to? I don’t want to break up with him. What do you think? Thank you,

Laura

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Laura,

What really bothers you is the way he judges and criticizes you. Neither would I want to be with someone who constantly criticizes what I do, wants to change me and does not accept who I am.

For this reason, it is important to enter a relationship when you are a complete and whole person. Why? Because when you know yourself nobody can really judge you. And if someone criticizes your behavior you are not bothered by it; you listen, you observe, you thank them for their criticism but ultimately you know that the decision, to change or not, remains yours. When a person is sure of himself/herself they automatically draw into their reality only those people who generally do not judge others, people who are also sure of themselves and of their essence. Do you see the magic in creation?

Therefore your boyfriend mirrors for you the fact that you have not truly and completely accepted yourself yet. Your lesson then is to love yourself more, since this is the way towards full acceptance.

Choosing to be in a relationship

First, choosing to engage in a relationship is a serious matter. Your boyfriend is right to say that when two people choose to be together they are combining their forces and energies to create something. Creation, as you may know already, is not only good and not only bad but has the two sides of a duality. It is an experience! That means that in order to create a relationship both of you need to experience the dark and the light, the happiness and the sadness, the “good” moments and the stressful moments, et cetera. Think about it, what would you do once you have a family, children, and a disagreement arises? And when you and your husband quarrel? Would you leave home? I doubt it.

So indeed, you may not be ready for a fully committed relationship now, but what is generally abnormal in physical reality is to remain alone. Human beings are meant to come together, to join forces, because we are physically designed to create grander and more appropriate creations with other people than what we can manage by ourselves.

Credit: Dariusz Klimczak

Your own space

It is perfectly normal to have your "space" in a relationship. Not only that, it is essential and healthy for your own well being and the creation of your relationships. he may not understand it yet because he needs you to feed him, but you do. As a human being who becomes more aware of herself you will need time alone, to digest what occurs, and even to do mundane human things like studying, talking on the phone with a friend or reading a book. Still, remember that you are in a relationship and your intentions are not always telepathically read. An insecure boyfriend might not understand your need for time alone. He might interpret it as lack of love, betrayal and other intentions that he erroneously attributes to you. The solution? Explain your needs. It will also serve as an exercise for you in "deserving” - expressing your wishes and needs.

More than that, sometimes your boyfriend will only require your physical presence with him in the same room. So, check with yourself, and if you can indeed do your things (like studying; reading a book etc), at his place, why don't you please him by physically being with him?

Good luck