What every parent needs to know about cyberbullying

This article and the complete book ‘The Parent and Teacher Cyberbullying Handbook’ was developed with input and contributions from various project partners in the Be Cyber Safe Project (2016), representing a wide range of the highest level of professional expertise from across Europe and 10 years of detailed research.

The complete book The Parent and Teacher Cyberbullying Handbook by James Ecendance (Founder of Proveneum) and Øystein Samnoen (Norwegian writer and lecturer) is available on Amazon.

A simplified way to define cyberbullying is bullying that people perform through electronic means, such as computers, tablets or mobile phones. In other words, cyberbullying is not a technological phenomenon but a problem created by the users of digital tools.

Cyberbullying has been linked to serious negative consequences such as low self-esteem, loneliness, depression, social anxiety, lack of concentration in school and more likely to think about suicide.

Research has suggested that children and young people use a variety of coping strategies to deal with cyberbullying. It is also important that parents play an active role in guiding their children’s behaviour on the Internet as well as helping them to prevent and counteract risk.

Because parenting in the digital world has many similarities with parenting in the real world, many of the principles of prevention and intervention are similar for both traditional and cyberbullying.

Research by O'Moore, Kirkham and Smith (1997) indicates that young people who are exposed to bullying, prefer to talk about the bullying with parents rather than teachers at school. A similar trend has been found by O'Moore and Minton (2009) when it comes to cyberbullying. In other words, parents have a unique opportunity to help the child to process emotions and counteract adverse effects associated with cyberbullying.

How can adults help prevent their child or teenager being involved in – or harmed by – bullying via the Internet and mobile?

By creating a home culture where parents and children are accustomed to talking about personal matters, parents will increase the chance that the child will address and speak about problems at an early stage. The role of prevention can be seen as reducing risk and equipping your child with their own digital skills.

As a general rule, the main source of information about what your child is doing and experiencing online is what the child chooses to tell their parents. The online world is an arena where the parents often have limited insight in the social life of their child. As a result of this, it may be difficult to detect whether a child is being bullied, or takes part in bullying.

Subsequently, the dialogue in the family becomes important and invaluable. It is the parents – not the child – who must take initiatives to create a home where both the young and the adults get used to sharing with each other. It gives children the opportunity to process the things they think about, and promotes sharing, a sense of security and proximity.

Parents can promote awareness of the child when it comes to online activities, use of language, sharing of photos, rumours and so on by having an ongoing dialogue with children about safe and responsible use of digital media.
Here is a list of questions/discussion topics that may be useful for parents in building this ongoing dialogue:

Passwords

• How can you create passwords that are difficult for others to guess?
• Is it okay to share passwords with friends?
• What sort of challenges may occur if someone else knows your password?

Online Communities

• What sort of information about yourself is it okay to share with others online?
• What sort of information should not be shared online?
• What to consider and whom to ask before you publish information and / or images of others?
• What can you do if others have published unwanted information and / or images of yourself?

Online Friends

• What would you do if someone you met online asks to meet you in real life?
• Is it OK to go alone if you are to meet an online friend?
• Who is it OK to add to your friends, or follower list, in social networks like Facebook or Instagram?
• What would you do if you someone you met online offers you gifts or asks you to share private photos?

Downloading

• What should you think through before you download files and content from the Internet?

Time Consumption and Time Limits

• How much time during a weekday is it OK to use online?
• Is it OK to bring tablets, mobile phones or laptops into bed at night-time?
• At what time during a weekday should any sort of screen be put aside?

Internet Content and Applications

• What kind of websites do you like?
• Are there any types of websites you don’t think are OK to visit?
• What would you consider before you subscribe to a website or online service?
• What would you consider before you download an app to a smart phone or tablet?

Negative Experiences Online

• What would you do if you saw or experienced something you thought was unpleasant online?
• Who would you talk to if you saw or experienced something you thought was unpleasant online?
• When is it important to tell parents about negative experiences online?

Mobile phone

• What should you consider before you take pictures of others with a mobile camera?
• What are the rules for mobile use at your school?
• What would you do if you had a negative experience via your mobile phone?

Cyberbullying

• What can you do if someone you know is treated badly online?
• Why can it be difficult to tell someone else if you are being bullied?
• What can be the reasons why someone would bully others online?
• What can you do if someone bullies you online or via a mobile phone?
• What can you do if you have done something against others online or via mobile that you regret?

By discussing potential problems related to social life online and cyberbullying with your child, he or she will be better equipped to meet various challenges in reality. This can also increase the child’s resistance or emotional immunity, a skill that prevents the child being hurt by others’ violations. The resistance ability involves being able to process the rejection, threats and other sources of stress such as cyberbullying and to cope with difficult experiences in a constructive manner.

You cannot prevent your child from facing tough experiences, but you can influence how your child can handle them. Help to develop your child’s ability to empathise and give the child positive feedback. Highlight what you think is good rather than having unilateral focus on behaviour that needs to change or improve.

The same principle can be used to train a child in media literacy: Let the main focus of your conversations about media use and online safety be whatever is good, useful, fun and desirable rather than the opposite.

What are the symptoms of a child, or teenager, being a victim of, or involved in conduct related to, cyberbullying?

Early intervention makes it possible to resolve a tense situation before it eventually escalates. An early intervention can also prevent further bullying.

There is no simple recipe for how parents can reveal that a child is exposed to bullying through digital networks.

Possible symptoms that a child may be a victim of cyberbullying:

• Seem stressed or anxious
• Have unexplained cuts and bruises on their arms or elsewhere on the body
• Reluctance to go to school
• Sudden changes in mood and behaviour
• Lower self-esteem and self-image
• Headaches and stomach pain
• Sleep problems
• Have very few friends and are apparently socially isolated from their peers
• Negative expressions after use of social media

In cases of cyberbullying, emotional symptoms that characterise traditional bullying, can be particularly visible when the child is online, just after they have logged off, or when they use the mobile phone.

• The child seems upset after being online
• The child seems upset after reading a text message
• The child withdraws from social interaction with peers
• Possible deterioration of results or grades in school

Possible signs that a child exposes other to cyberbullying:

• Difficulties in retaining friendship
• Hide media use from parents
• Negative expressions while, or shortly after, using social media
• Accusations from others
• Friends with other bullies

What can adults do in cases where a child, or teenager, has revealed being a victim of, or involved in conduct related to, cyberbullying?

To discover that one's son or daughter has been bullied can be a turbulent and difficult emotional experience for a parent. Here are a list of immediate actions that may be helpful:

Listen attentively to your child

Children do not always tell their parents about the cyberbullying that takes place among friends and peers. Parents should listen attentively when their children talk about their online experiences, and become knowledgeable about the various digital arenas and social networks that young people are using (such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc.). If the child has told a parent about a cyberbullying episode, a parent’s first response is often, importantly, to confirm that the child made a good choice in speaking about it, ‘Thank you for telling me this. You did the right thing by telling me’.

Remain calm

Parents should stay calm when a child tells them about an incident where they were bullied online. A calm and balanced response helps to keep the lines of communication open with your child. Kowalski (2008) also suggests that the parents and their child should agree on which cases of cyberbullying require the child’s parents to inform the parents of the counterparty about negative content and / or contact online.

Block the cyberbully

Most responsible providers of social networks and other web services allow the user to block or report any person who behaves badly. Trustworthy websites and mobile operators offer users a way to report offensive material. A last measure is to change your contact information, so you can avoid unwanted contact.

Do not reply

Do not respond to abusive or unpleasant messages – although it can be hard to resist. To provoke a reaction from the victim is often what the bully wants. It may give them satisfaction if the victim reacts strongly.

Secure evidence

Learn how to find and to save chat logs, copies of unpleasant messages, pictures, or online conversations. This will make it easier for you when you show others what has happened, and it will also be useful if it becomes necessary to investigate the bully. Remember to include the date and time when the offending messages, content or other contact happened.

Before parents contact a web service provider, it is important to be clear about where the content is, for example by taking a screenshot of the material that includes the web address. If you are requesting they take down material that is not illegal, be clear to point out how it breaks the site’s terms and conditions. Where the material is suspected of being illegal parents should contact the police directly.

The Norwegian Media Authority gives advice to children and teenagers about how one should act if you’re being bullied on digital arenas. This advice may also serve as a useful basis for conversations between a parent and child in order to prepare the child on how to handle possible cases of bullying and harassment. They can also be used for discussions in a school setting.

1. Do not reply to messages intended to harass you or make you upset. It will probably encourage more bullying.

2. Retain negative messages. You do not have to read it, but keep it as proof of harassment or bullying. If it is a problematic picture or a web page – take a screenshot in order to document it. It is essential to have evidence of the incident when seeking help or if you want to report it.

3. Tell someone you trust. Talk to your parents, a teacher, a youth worker, a friend or a helpline. It’s the first thing you should do when you encounter a problem – seek contact with adults who can to help you.

4. Block the bully. You do not have to put up with someone harassing you – so block unwanted senders.

5. Report problems to those who can do something about it. You can take control by not accepting that somebody publishes offensive content. For example, report it to the owners of the website, or even the police.

6. Respect yourself and respect others. Being online is very public and very real, even though it does not always feel that way.

Source: www.medietilsynet.no/trygg-bruk/

Developing good, solid attitudes through dialogue and being present in childhood and adolescent life promotes safe and sensible media use.

In order to be able to guide young users, parents and professionals need to also develop their own level of digital media competence.

The complete book The Parent and Teacher Cyberbullying Handbook by James Ecendance (Founder of Proveneum) and Øystein Samnoen (Norwegian writer and lecturer) is available on Amazon.

This article and the complete book ‘The Parent and Teacher Cyberbullying Handbook’ was developed with input and contributions from various project partners in the Be Cyber Safe Project (2016), representing a wide range of the highest level of professional expertise from across Europe and 10 years of detailed research.