About love, from a cynic who grew up with divorced parents - original

Remember when you were young and you were in love, so incredibly in love with someone but you dared not to confess. Instead, you were mostly silent but had that butterfly feeling in your stomach, a pounding heart and shaking legs as soon as you saw that person you were in love with. 

As a young boy, I acted cocky and cool ( I thought I was ) to get the attention of my crush, in reality, I was rather corny as hell, probably real cringy too. The girl was obviously stupid and weird who did not reciprocate the exhaustingly good intentions. But on the other hand, it's probably not wise to throw rolls of paper at her and her friends, even if it was meant to show her my love ( I wasn't really bright ). Later that evening I'd lay in my bed and would think of her, having thoughts about being happy together as my heart filled my body and soul with warmness. Just imagining and dreaming about how the next day would be like and hoping to finally have the guts to sit next to her at lunch just for once this time. I would have my best buddies sharing our secrets about our crushes and sometimes we would pretend to fight just to impress the girls and show how tough and manly we were, instead we were just be laughed at and called stupid and immature ( sad face ).

They say that girls mature faster than boys, but the boys catch up eventually and become bigger and stronger, only time will tell when. I never got to be with my crush. She loved someone else as much as I loved her, or love is maybe the wrong word here, rather an infatuation with someone I did find attractive. I was mostly in love with being in love because I was such a hopeless romantic.

I was in love a lot, so many times but never dared to show my feelings for someone. I was the typical introverted and shy geek when the girls had shown interest ( I was not gay I swear Emma! ). Something in me refused to utter a single word as soon as a girl talked to me. I would act stupid and weird and just not be me. At the same time, I wanted dearly to have someone to love and love me back. Someone who loved to be with me. I still haven't found her yet. And now as I'm becoming older It seems impossible to find that special someone. Now I feel that real love has passed by and I missed out. Love is not the same anymore, as I can no longer fall in love with someone unless there is a stability in the relationship. As I matured It's harder to hold a relationship and to live with someone for very long. I feel I do not need it because I am free to be with anyone I want, I just don't fall in love that easily anymore. Loving as an adult seems enforced just to benefit each other interests. No thanks, I can handle myself just fine.

I really wonder how many couples truly love each other. I find it hard to believe that people stick together because of love, living together with someone doesn't seem fun at all. You get tired eventually on each other, no matter how long you've been together. You either go all in or not in a relationship, you can't just break it half way because all those time invested will go to waste. And the suffering hits everyone. 

Yes! A relationship is an investment. You spend the time to take care of someone, to provide and care for your family. Raising your child together. You work yourself to death to feed your family. Go to soccer practice, dance training, school evaluations, having a career, family dinners , family reunions, health surveys and other important things for you and your family. Your best years will probably be the time to raise your family. It is a long time and I wonder, is it worth it?

I'm glad I did eventually had girlfriends that I loved while I was young. I got to experience something that was something pure. Love in its purest form when it just meant love and nothing else.

Rhubarb by Aphex Twin

Nikon d3200 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 ƒ/9.0 32.7 mm 1/2000 800 Flash (off, did not fire)