That Is Not Me Anymore..

At that time you once said that I was a beautifully painted evening in the seconds of the day and night shifts. You also told me that I am the only woman who can make you hot while the eyes look at each other for the first time. I'm flattered, really. But that's not the only string of beautiful sentences you give me. There are many and I have not forgotten it at all.

Like at that moment, when we both walked enjoy the warmth of Jakarta in the afternoon. The situation is very crowded because the vehicles are going back and forth to their respective destinations. Until finally we stop at a fairly quiet park to avoid noise.

We sat on a long bench with the wind that blew slowly to fly some strands of my hair. Then you do not stay silent, your hands straighten the strands of hair carried by the wind was to where it was originally. To be more beautiful, you say at that moment. Whether you hear it or not, my heart pounding like a drum being hit. For the first time I feel you are this close.



"Of the many women who approached you, why would you prefer to go with me this afternoon?" I asked on the sidelines of silence. Your shade eyes look at me deeply, full of meaning. Your warm smile is clearly printed on the lips that can fly the hearts of women who see it.
"Because you're not one of those women, Sabrina."
My heart sank to hear your words. Like the thousands of butterflies that tickle the stomach, my heart is beating faster than usual. I do not know how deep inside my heart has fallen against you. But it was unquestionable.

"I will continue my education in Yogyakarta. Promise, we'll meet in this place in four years. "
My heart sinks, butterflies that had been up to my stomach is gone was not tasteless. "Do you want to go to Yogyakarta?"
You nodded then took my hands and held them tight. "We have to meet in this place again no matter how. It does not matter what the place is. "
I nodded with a trembling body at that moment. Want to cry but I should be happy because you are accepted in one of the top universities in Yogyakarta. I just feel afraid for some reason. But the grip of your hand makes me sure that you will not let me go.

But destiny slapped me hard and reality as if dropping me on a bottomless bottomless pit. It's all black and I'm alone.
This is the 6th year after the incident but you have not given any sign that you are still in my life. I am like a bird that is removed from the cage by the owner in order to fly freely and no longer cared for. I'm waiting for you until now as long as you know.

You are a sweet taste to candy, everyone loves it. You also like the color of the expensive painting, everyone is looking at it. You are still the same to others. But you are not the same to me. You choose me when you have not realized that everyone is interested in you. You chose me when you did not realize you were that extraordinary. After you grow up and you know. I also know what the risk is for me. You ignore me.

Though you used to say that you hate this separation, you are happier without me. In about six years, I know you're laughing more often. You have lots of friends, acquaintances, maybe even everyone knows you.

And I'm still here, walking on the spot without wanting to look anywhere except toward you. I have not been able to forget because of my asking races. My race to you makes me so sad.

Fate comes back to slap me when you are with a grown man standing straight in front of me. There's no regrets in your eyes because I know you're happier right now. My heart is still the same, pounding loudly even though I have not felt the sensation for years.

"I'm getting married in three weeks, you're the first person I invite, Sab, so please come," he said, handing me a golden invitation letter. I take it slowly without you knowing my body is shaking.
"Sorry, Sab, I can not get back to you. I did not come at the time, sorry, "you continued
"You should not be waiting for me with your gift that is already committed to another woman, Sean." I said softly as I ventured into his eyes.
"Now you can go," I continued. I do not know why I just let go of a dove that has long lived with me.
Your hand is about to reach me but I retreat slowly. I just do not feel right anymore. Unconsciously the tears escaped from my eyeballs and instantly wiped as fast as I could.

Realizing that, you instantly turn around without saying anything, leaving me alone. I looked at the wedding invitations I had been holding. I opened my hand, letting the invitation letter be carried by the sea breeze in the blasting afternoon. The paper goes along with my long-standing feeling in the chest.

In the past, your real being is now only an illusion of a two-dimensional figure. You, without me can touch back. You, without me can reach back. You, without me can see again. Though you are still on Earth, but I can not do it all because of your dead form.

I can see your hand holding another woman's hand with the naked eye. At the same time I can see the fading twilight changing with a dark night. I wish my people were the same as the twilight. Faded.

Because it was no longer me.