Formely on the BLANK OUT TIMES - BLOG by Winnie the Pooh aka Meaghan Walker-Williams & Charles Champion circ 2006 ish
Constitution of the United Federation of Squirrels
Preamble:
We the Squirrels of Western Civilization, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, yada yada yada, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Federation of Squirrels.
Article. I.
Section 1.
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United Federation of Squirrels, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives. The members of the Senate and House of Representatives shall be elected every two years, by a vote of all adult Squirrels who shall gather for that purpose in Central Park in New York City. Voting shall be by raising of the tail when the name of the candidate for office is called.
Wisdom instructs us that it would be better to have Senators represent the Squirrel States of this Federation, but we know that would soon be replaced by direct election of Senators, destroying the carefully crafted balance of power between the Squirrel States and the Federation, leaving the Federation supreme. So, we'll skip all that and just have mob rule. All Squirrels will assemble in one big mob in Central Park and vote on everything personally until they get bored of it at which time they shall elect members of the Senate and House of Representatives to act on behalf of all Squirrel people of the Federation. We know that the Senate and House of Representatives will promptly use that power to rob the Squirrel people blind, but at least they will be elected.
Section 2
Laws may be passed by the Concurrence of the Senate and House of Representatives and then shall be presented to the President of the United Federation of Squirrels. Before any law shall take Effect, it shall be approved by the President, or being disapproved by him, shall be repassed by two thirds of the Senate and House of Representatives.
Under no circumstances may the President of the United Federation of Squirrels create or change laws without a vote of approval by both the Senate and House of Representatives. Not even if he calls them "executive orders". Not even if he gets his bureaucrat Squirrels to call them "regulations" or "forms" or "rules." No, no, no, we really mean it. No. Not even if it's really important. Not even if Congress is controlled by a different political party from the President. NO! We do not want a Squirrel King whose wishes are our commands. The President may not create or change the laws. At all. Never. Not even to create military tribunals to try to avoid obeying the laws the Congress actually does pass. Not even if there is a "new kind of war" that is really, really scary the way the President of Squirrels explains it on TV.
The High Squirrelly Supreme Court may not create or change the laws either, nor may it change this Constitution. Not by precedent, not by "interpretation", no, no, No, NO and we mean NO! The purpose of the High Squirrelly Supreme Court is to provide justice by enforcing the laws, not to give orders and call them "laws" or "interpretations of the laws". The purpose of laws is to tell us what is right and wrong and to provide justice when someone does something wrong. Justice does not change. Right and wrong do not change. There is no reason for the courts to "reinterpret" the laws, because the laws should embody the eternal principles of right and wrong.
Come to think of it, since the laws are supposed to say what is right and what is wrong and that doesn't change... there's not much reason for Congress to ever change the laws either. In fact, if Congress has the power to write whatever words they want and make them "laws" as if they were the definition of right and wrong, then the whole idea of right and wrong would no longer be eternal principles, but would be redefined as being the whim of Congress. Of course, we shall elect to Congress only those Squirrels whose moral integrity is unshakeable. That's so that laws will remain laws and not whims, so that right remains right and wrong remains wrong, instead of right meaning "in compliance" with the wishes of the government and wrong meaning "not in compliance" with the wishes of the government. If we ever elect a Congress that campaigns on promises that it breaks, rewrites the laws to help special interests to profit in exchange for campaign contribution bribes and exempts itself from its own legislation, we will have thrown away the moral compass of our whole civilization and we shall of course then be doomed to long dark ages of rule by tyrannical evil Squirrels. But we'll elect the right Squirrels to entrust with this power and have nothing to worry about.
Section 3
The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes. Surely we can trust our perpetually honest, moral and responsible Congressmen with this power. It will only cost us a few acorns a year. Really.
The Congress shall have Power To borrow Money on the credit of the United Federation of Squirrels. Of course, the Congress and the President will probably manage our affairs so well that they will hardly need to borrow at all. It's true they might issue government bonds and run up trillions of dollars of debt, but after we've given them the power to change what is right and what is wrong, the possibility of excessive debts is the least of our worries.
The Congress shall have Power To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes. Have no fear that every single aspect of your economic life will be controlled by the Federation government. Put aside those nightmarish visions that before you can so much as pick up an acorn to store for the Winter, that you will have to get a license, pay a fee, wait in line, fill out a form, wait in line again, fill out more forms, recite your social national ID security number and finally be told that you have the wrong form and the person who handles that isn't in today. No, no, this authority only concerns the power to regulate commerce between states. It would never be expanded unconstitutionally to apply to any economic activity of any kind by anyone.
The Congress shall have Power To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, or what the heck, print up billions of pieces of paper with the pictures of old Presidents on them and call it Money.
The Congress shall have Power To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Money of the United Federation of Squirrels. After all, if someone just printed up lots of pieces of paper and called them Money, that would be a serious crime and they should go to jail for it.
The Congress shall have Power To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries. They may also promote the Progress of Science and the useful Arts by smashing to bits all computers and electronic devices of any nature whatsoever capable of processing information in a way that could be used to copy digital content without the permission of the copyright holder signed in blood. They may further promote the progress of Science and Art by banning the sale, possession, manufacture, invention or improvement of any such electronic device. Scientists capable of building such devices may be interned in camps. Amateurs suspected of being capable of modifying existing equipment to communicate freely may be injected with computer chips so that they may be tracked and monitored at all times. Congress may require for a digital millennium that all communications devices of any and every kind be designed or retrofitted in such a way that the communications device will only communicate information which has been registered, licensed, paid for and also approved as politically non-threatening to the government.
The Congress shall have Power To constitute Tribunals inferior to the High Squirrelly Supreme Court. That's Congress, not the President. The President may NOT constitute tribunals inferior to the High Squirrelly Supreme Court and he certainly may not establish military tribunals for the trial of civilians and then claim that these tribunals are SUPERIOR to the High Squirrelly Supreme Court.
The Congress shall have Power To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offences against the Law of Nations. But good luck punishing Offences against the Law of Nations if they are committed by the President and he has a Standing Army loyal to him.
The Congress shall have Power To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years. You certainly don't want to establish a Permanent Standing Army or even one that lasts more than two Years unless an actual War declared by Congress is still raging. Even if there is a War raging, Congress does not have the authority to provide funding for an Army for more than two Years at a time. Armies may be raised when needed, not kept standing around all the time. This two year limit is so that a Permanent Standing Army will be impossible, even in Wartime. Of course, the sort of people we plan to have as Congressmen would be wise enough to know that a Permanent Standing Army in peacetime makes the President's authority supreme even if he never actually used it. The mere threat that opponents could be crushed by the Army would be sufficient to prevent rebellions by any anyone who doesn't have a rebel army of their own. A large Standing Army would make rebellion hopeless and tyranny inevitable.
The Congress shall have Power To provide and maintain a Navy. Unlike Armies which are only to be raised when needed, a Navy may be maintained, even in peacetime. Since they only operate at Sea, there isn't much danger that they could be used for suppressing or intimidating political opponents. Not unless they have hundreds of thousands of Marines to serve as their own Army all sworn to remain "Always Loyal" (Semper Fidelis). That is not authorized in this Constitution.
The Congress shall have Power To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions. And To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United Federation of Squirrels, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress. The Militia is the essential institution of defense of the Federation. Since it shall consist of all able-bodied adult Squirrels, a Militia is not an elite group that can be used to suppress the majority.
The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments. When the President of the United Federation of Squirrels is tried, the Chief Justice shall preside. But if the President shall use the FBI to compile files of wrongdoing on every member of Congress and use them for blackmail purposes, no President will ever be impeached.
Article. II.
Section. 1.
The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United Federation of Squirrels. He shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years.
Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:-- "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United Federation of Squirrels, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United Federation of Squirrels." But since there is no penalty for violation of this Oath, it's just pretty words and the President will violate the Constitution at every opportunity, especially if there is a Standing Army. In the event that there is a Standing Army, no one will be able to remove the President from power against his Will except by military coup.
Section. 2.
The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United Federation of Squirrels, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United Federation of Squirrels. That's not the same thing as "our Commander in Chief" or "Commander in Chief" of the Country. He is Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. He is also Commander in Chief of Militia soldiers on active duty for the Federation in Wartime. He has the authority to give legal and Constitutional orders to soldiers only. Being Commander in Chief of the military does not give him the authority to give orders to civilians, or to other countries nor does it give him authority to tell the military to do whatever he wants. His orders must be legal and constitutional and they only apply to military personnel of the Federation. He doesn't get to boss everyone around with "executive orders" or any such nonsense.
The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United Federation of Squirrels, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors. Or the President may be permitted to continue a high crime spree if Congress doesn't have the balls to Impeach him.
Article. III.
Section. 1.
The judicial Power of the United Federation of Squirrels, shall be vested in one High Squirrelly Supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish.
Section. 2.
Treason against the United Federation of Squirrels, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court. Treason does not include disagreeing with the President or any other Politician or talking or writing about such disagreement or the reasons therefor. Nor is it Treason to preserve and protect the Constitution, even in time of war. Nor is it Treason to disagree with a Warblogger, regardless of his or her vehemence or intensity of emotion, even in time of war.
Article. IV.
Section. 1.
The Citizens of each State shall be entitled to all Privileges and Immunities of Citizens in the several States. Except that in the event any state shall declare any gay couples to be married, this privilege shall not be recognized by red states and the entire country shall immediately become hysterical.
Amendments:
Oh yeah, we got so carried away with the powers of government, we forgot to mention that individual Squirrels might have rights. So here goes.
First Amendment
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Second Amendment
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Third Amendment
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Fourth Amendment
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Fifth Amendment
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Sixth Amendment
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Seventh Amendment
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Eighth Amendment
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Ninth Amendment
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Tenth Amendment
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Eleventh Amendment
See? All the Squirrels have individual rights. But if the United Federation of Squirrels violates these rights, in time of urgent need, pursuant to an official sounding legal memo from an official lawyer, with public opinion properly prepared by fear and propaganda, or in time of war or decline of the President's approval in the polls requiring emergency action, well, then... what are you going to do about it?