Thoughts of a "hopeless" independent.

in anarchy •  6 years ago  (edited)

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I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. Maybe “supposed to" is the whole problem in the first place. Maybe I’ve got some bullshit idea about fate, or my own entitlement or something like that. I’m not really sure.

Doing the jobs that other people said I should do, or that are considered “normal” has never really brought me lasting happiness. Now that I’ve taken the leap for the third time, quitting my normal job for a shot at entrepreneurship, I just don’t see how I can go back to doing something that doesn’t allow me to exercise my full potential as a thinker yet again.

I know the world doesn’t really own me or owe me anything. At least, I think I do. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe too many people told me I was special and that I can do whatever I want when I was a kid. I know I’m talented, in many ways actually. But there are a lot of talented people out there that shit just does not work out for. That’s the reality. Regardless of what the new age self-help gurus raking in millions may say.

So as I’m stuck at this crossroads, of having had the best summer of my life, meeting Roger Ver, meeting Ned from Steemit, doing interviews, volunteering at the free school down the road, and making more Voluntaryist content than ever, I have this inclination to look to the sky and ask that silly and clichéd question “God! What the fuck is going on here!? I thought there was some sort of plan!" Lol. Truth be told, that would make me just as claustrophobic. Some preset "plan" in concrete.

I try not to be religious anymore, but perhaps some of those programmed beliefs remain: that if you’re good and talented and work hard things will eventually work out for you. But some people get hit by cars. Some people get cancer. A ton of genius fucking bands never get record deals. Artists who now sell paintings for millions never made a cent in their lifetimes hundreds of years ago. What the fuck? Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke, hey?

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My life and its direction is entirely up to me, but that seems to be the problem. I’m wandering around on the deck of the ship not sure where the fuck to steer it. I’ve already set off from land. It’s way the fuck back there, and to go back would cause me to die inside a little bit, and that’s not something that I want to sacrifice. My own life.

Is this all it is? Ups and downs and repeating cycles and seeming like you’re getting closer and closer to some vague ethereal ideal, just to realize at the end that you missed the actual treasure of the NOW experience of life, and that the chase was mostly just bullshit? Fuck man. I don’t know. But without that vision, nobody would fucking move forward.

I guess it's about as pointless as asking, why does a butterfly, fly? It just does.

All I know is I see talentless hacks doing fucking great, while a bunch of folks that got something to say seem to get smacked down over and over. But I guess maybe I’m complaining now, so I should just shut up, buckle down, and keep pushing forward.

I’ve tried this 1 million times and I’ll try 20 million more, I suppose, in my life. I'll probably die a “failure" by the world's standards. Well, I guess I mean by the materialistic culture's standards. I know I’m not a failure. I just can’t understand why shit doesn’t seem to work out for me. I’ve eaten my share of shit. I’ve jumped off the cliff several times. Where is my gust of wind?

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I guess I need to get myself busy creating that. Finding the right cliff. Maybe I'm hang-gliding in the wrong fucking spot. I sure feel like I am in the right place, though, with the right people, doing the right thing. MORE THAN EVER IN MY LIFE. MORE THAN EVER. Jesus fuck, man. I have been so grateful this past year. Now. To just keep gliding and not eat shit while the winds are low...

~KafkA

!


Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as DLive and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)

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Do you have a Patreon? I hate that site, but I honestly don't know of a better option to support a person's friends. I hate seeing that you, Larken, and other friends like Jeremiah have currency issues. My hope is to support my friends as much as I possibly can too!

That’s a really good idea, @finnian. Thanks for reminding me. I just checked the account I made over a year ago, and it looks like I never completed the setup of my creator account. I did that just now, and it is under review by the site.

I’ll let you known when the page is accepted and I get it all finished.

I don’t expect anything “for free” from anyone or even Patreon, but it seems like a lot of people are making that platform work for them, I so I am gonna give it a go!

I hear you! My first thought is, don't stop. Its your life, you only get one, so live it how you feel is right. If the things you share and do make just a few people stop and think or feel a bit happier then it's worth it.

I've just been watching these videos that @barge shared. You may have already seen them. The first one is no surprise really, but the second is a tough pill to swallow. When you realise that those in power see you as nothing more than cannon fodder that they'd rather not exist, then you have to make some adjustments on your perspectives. If it doesn't matter what you do, you'll still been seen as expendable anyway, then you may as well make it something you want to do.

Sorry I can't give you more support financially. You got my full upvote and I still barely appear on your list! Lol

Thank you for the support and encouragement, @minismallholding. That means so much to me.

I’ll check out the videos ASAP.

Thanks so much for the vote.

Bro! I feel you!

Man, if you need money, a job is the easiest way to do that. Honestly, I'm lucky to have a job that I enjoy. But I've had plenty I didn't.

It's like you said:

shut up, buckle down, and keep pushing forward.

Not in a "quit bitching" way, but in a way of efficiency. To me, a job is a tool. Yeah, the dream is not to have a job and to produce value your own way, but sometimes we need a little something along the way. A boost I guess. An income stream is a badass thing if you go about it right. Think of it as time to network and get paid while planning.

Remember, Plan A. If you've got that plan, that goal, it's gonna be in your head. A menial job for a few bucks can be an incredible brooding chamber for progress. Around here, there's factory and warehouse jobs. Things you can easily do with headphones in. That'll help pass the time bigly. I'm listening to podcasts for six hours of my eight hour shift. Learning.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. It's perfect and good and a sign of a good fucking human, but even entrepreneurs take jobs when they're between projects and hurting for cash.

If you and your family need money, that's the easiest way to do it. And your family is the best goal you can have, even over world liberation.

Keep. Pushing. Forward.

Even if you're depressed and slow, one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Progress is progress, even if it's slow as shit for a while. Even just thinking can be progress, you know this and you live it.

If it helps, think of the menial corporate job as a victory. You're extracting money from the system to fuel your projects. When it's time, your projects will propel you up and over that corporate subsidized system to help spread what you're doing. Using that system to spread agorism and liberty.

Remember, in an economic interaction (and all interaction is economic), each party thinks it is getting the better deal. They think the labor you pour into the system is more valuable than the money they reward you with, and you have to see the greater value of the resource they're providing you, because it can be used as a means to spread Liberty.

Never. Fucking. Stop.

Ah yeah man, I know. I’ve been around this spiral several times now already. Always pick up work where I have to. Becoming unfeasible though in light of real work I wanna do/am doing.

Factory work would be perfect if it were part time. Not sure what’s available in that regard around here. Teaching English is the most common thing. Got lots of connections, kids are great, but the energy drain is monumental.

They think the labor you pour into the system is more valuable than the money they reward you with, and you have to see the greater value of the resource they're providing you, because it can be used as a means to spread Liberty.

That’s just it, though. Getting to the point where it is not a win/win transaction anymore. I got shit to do ;)

The part time factory thing is an idea, though.

Even if you're depressed and slow, one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Progress is progress, even if it's slow as shit for a while. Even just thinking can be progress, you know this and you live it.

Yep. Agree 100%

I guess on re-reading this I am basically having a blast and my life is fucking awesome. I just need more money. That's where the goddam worry fucking invades. That is the main fucking stress point that gives me stomachaches. Lol. Ahhh fuck man.

And the fact is that I feel like I could be making more (and indeed I have), but then some scum-ass motherfuckers swoop in and tell me I have to pay half of it to their sorry asses. JESUS FUCKING HELP ME.

Is it really all because I suck at saving money? Some self-sabotage? Too generous? Who the fuck knows? Spending because of depression?

I DUNNO!

Or maybe it's all necessary experience and learning--an accrual of knowledge which I will find highly and almost serendipitously(?) advantageous later.

WHO KNOWS!

Dude.. its always darkest before the dawn!! we are gonna be OK.. just gotta do the last mile or so.

That's what they all say, every time man. Hope you are right, but not so sure. Been eating the dirt for a long-ass time now. Do feel closer than ever, though. Always do.

I'm with you bro.. I'm having to sell everything to keep the lights on... I'm even moving away, but I'm seriously pulling a William Wallace here...

Freedom or death...

I'm not giving up, fuck that...

Same. Same.

Bills, etc.

Savings running low, Energy running high, as per usual.

Try to maybe not put so much pressure on yourself. I kind of threw away a lot of my ambition, and ambition and anxiety are connected, so now I feel a bit better, more accepting of life. But yeah, most people probably think I am some weirdo because I kind of deserted from "reality"...

My life is never boring. I get to do what I want when I want. So what is the problem? Like so many others like me...money to do more things I want to do. The key here is want to do . There is no written rule that I have to do these things. But I am greedy and want to do it! So what I need to do is be happy with what I have achieved. Be happy with me. There will always be room for improvement because it is human nature to aspire to greater things.