Bastard

In the light of recent events in my life, I thought a lot about family relationships.

Probably before such as I get a few relatives. Since the age of 8, I was constantly hammered into the brain, that it was I who was to blame for the death of my mother and grandmother, that it was I who thrashed their nerves, screamed at night and so on. That my grandmother died because of me, the creature is shameless, - at the age of 7, I begged her to go to the country in summer where the last stroke happened. That my aunt took me only from a sense of duty to her grandmother (she helped her to move to Moscow, although in fact my aunt's daughter needed my living space for personal life). My father believed that I have a guardian and that it is the guardian who must solve all my problems, but the guardian believed the opposite = all my problems remained only mine. The only style of communication with me was or. I was never praised (although objectively it was for that), were not interested in my health (school with a temperature of 40 - it's easy), and just the only thing that bothered them was my grades (for the aunt-guardian will have to report about me). At the age of 15, I had to (I do not have food at home, they do not let me into my apartment, they do not give me a benefit on the loss of the bread-winner, I was forced to do so), to decide the issue of my independence in the ward department (where the lovely auntie repeated 10 times that " like such a good girl, and you can not say that the slut "(I started to meet with the boy), the headmaster demanded my transfer to another (we have children to study here and let the independence show in another school), I had to write an explanatory and listen to a lecture from " (it's to the question of how I dared to meet a boy at 15 years old), my aunt simply stupidly slammed into the door of my apartment a castle from which I did not have a key, and did not give the passport (apparently so that I could not open the door) .

Almost 10 years passed. And it turns out - that's the surprise - that everyone loves me, they wait, and everyone is interested in my affairs. That my aunt was so worried about me, well, just a holy woman. And the father is sick and he must be pitied. That everything should be forgiven and, in general, this was not, and if it was, then I myself am to blame. And just do everything around suddenly turned into almost innocent angels.

And I suddenly had everything - and my aunt who raised me (yes, yes), and my father, and another aunt (she also sat with me somehow for a whole week!), And her father's sister (she also took me in summer to give ) and many more to whom ...

Now I'm 24 years old, I do not depend on anyone, I have a good job, a good husband, and so on. But all the same, I feel like I'm still an unneeded child. Sometimes people think that I can really dramatize the situation. Can I feel sorry for myself and do not think about anyone? Can it be necessary to renew communication with relatives?

How to get rid of the sensation, hammered into the head when you were a child, that you are a selfish shit? I realize that I have hyperactivity, I need to control every detail, I need to do everything perfectly, and if ideally it does not work out, then I "explode", etc., etc.. I'm already so tired
from this(