I recently discovered that I have aphantasia, which means I cannot picture things in my mind (at will). Imagine, think of an apple, visualize it in your mind, can you tell the color of the apple, its shape, can you spin the apple around. If your mind is just blank then you have aphantasia. Although there seems to be a degree to which a person can visualize things in their mind. That is to say, you may see it as clearly as you see an object in front of you, or you might be able to make it out barely or your mind will be blank no matter how much you try. Trying to picture anything is like trying to get hold of a fleeting dream for people like me.
I use to think that everyone else is like me. I only get to know about aphantasia through a Youtube video. I was surprised to learn that people can visualize things. But since it is something that does not affect much of the daily functioning of a person, most people wouldn’t be concerned about it ( I assumed). It did have some peculiar side effects.
First of all, I do not have a good memory, probably because of the way I remember things. My memory is mostly comprised of remembering facts about events in my life. This seems to be a very ineffective way of handling memory. Visualization of the past is closed to impossible, some form of visualizing may come and go but it's hardly anything useful, and it is not done by choice. So, I barely have any childhood memory and it's the same with other parts of my life. To be clear I am not sure whether this is a side effect of my condition or just me personally. Although I would lean towards the former.
The most peculiar side effect for me is the fact that for the most part, I can cope with emotions easily, like the saying ‘out of sight out of mind’ kind of scenario. I do feel things to the same degree (from what I can tell) at the present moment the events are unfolding be it a loss of loved ones, a breakup, a fight, or any other emotionally engaging events. But all the feelings I have at that moment simply just fade away gradually as I distance myself (in both space and time ) from the particular event. I want to bring your attention to the word fade away in the previous sentence, and note that I don’t use just stops or is just gone. Now, you may say that’s natural for everyone, but the thing is mine happens in a matter of days, three days at most, even from a traumatic event like losing a loved one. Yeah, and that also means I don’t miss any loved ones for the most part.
The thing about this is I would consider myself a very emotional person so it’s weird that I can just "move on" in most situations. And it is also not for the lack of caring. Sometimes I would feel bad about not missing someone or not grieving for someone that I hold dear. Apart from affecting my romantic relationship, I think this particular side effect is advantageous although I would torment myself because of it sometimes. The bonus point is I don’t or more like I can not hold grudges against anyone (for long anyway).