BEASTLY TALES

THE TIME TRAVELLER

Orville the Inventor had built a machine,
That could transport him through time, nice and clean.
Today he thought about four hundred years,
He’d go back in time, to see what appears.
In Elizabethan times, when the machine nears.
With much spinning, and loud cranking,
A puff of smoke and Orville was banking,
He’d soon be back in the sixteen hundreds,
Having a slice of half-baked history breads.

With a screech and a bang, he did now land,
Near what appeared to be a town, and,
He didn’t feel it to be any chore,
So he decided to disembark and explore.
The buildings were close, into the street,
In fact, at the top, they did almost meet.
So the thoroughfare was dark and dingy,
All around looked to be most dirty and mingy,
But, worst of all, a gutter ran down streets centre
Full of smelly muck, now where did it enter,
Orville soon did find out with a warning shout,
From a window above, a pot was tipped out.
Now what landed in the gutter,
Made Orville gasp and stutter,
For it was the contents of a chamber pot.
Orville scratched his head, for cleanliness he did like a lot.
And this, on his most clean habits, did impinge.
But he walked right along, not wanting to whinge.

To the most casual viewer,
The street was but a sewer,
And as he walked on along,
His nostrils took in the pong.
Overhead windows would open,
And Orville was surely hoping,
That the resultant smelly splash,
Would not hit him, as he made the dash,
To the base of the building, away from the gutter,
Thoughts of revulsion, in his mind, did flutter,
What decidedly filthy habits, oh, how unhappy,
To go for a walk and then arrive home crappy.

He’d asked a passerby, “Where can I get a bath?”
That person had then had a prolonged laugh,
“Baths? They be for the very rich lot,”
“Once per year, whether they be needed or not!”
Orville noticed the man’s teeth,
Some on top, but four underneath,
Yes they were missing both front and back
And what were there were all discoloured and black.
Dentists, of course, did not exist, and never had.
Brushing teeth was not done, and so teeth went bad.

But back to the street and it’s sewer,
And the tipping of foul contents of chamber pot ewer.
Now we certainly don’t want to be vague,
But lack of hygiene can lead to the plague,
And many another foul deadly pestilence,
So you would think it would make much sense,
To give thought to hygiene all of the time,
For grime and the stench are such a crime,
Against common sense and Bible advice,
Which advocate cleanliness to be something nice.

Sorry that history does require us to mention such a caper,
But, back in those days, they had no toilet paper,
Animals seem to manage all right,
But the thought of humans “without”, gives one a fright.
In fact animals were much cleaner than humans back then,
Particularly if they were not kept in a pen.
Now Orville the Inventor had had quite enough,
He wanted to be away from this seventeenth century stuff.
So back to his Time Machine he now went,
He wanted twenty first century, one hundred percent!
He wanted to escape from terrible smells,
He wished not to hear, “Bring out your Dead” bells,
And most of all he wanted a bath,
Without giving cause for others to laugh!