Yesterday a medical doctor spoke these words into his dictaphone at the conclusion of a consultation.

Expressed concerning nihilistic ideas.

Not knowing enough on the subject, and quite frankly feeling too fatigued and apathetic as a result, I had nothing to say on the matter.

Research on the subject also requires a lot more time and energy than I have invested so far.

But it is interesting that it has been suggested in the past that my more abstract posts are Dada in nature.

My search drew a relationship to the Dada movement and the Nihilistic philosophy.

This is distinctly different to the person I used to present to the world, but was I wearing a presentation of somebody hoping for meaning to replace the nothingness.

My art at all times of my life from young adolescence to the present has been similar.

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I had a glimpse at a driven life and I drove myself into the ground.

It was filled with people and inflated with words of encouragement and flattery.

People friends so many people and well-wishes.

The physical existence was momentarily but falsely overflowing.

Those people don't exist in my reality anymore.

Was it real?

Is it human to be surrounded only in times of success.

To simply state reality, the honest truth of a daily existence that is pain and fatigue and leaves no room for fulfilment or the tiniest amount of activity without negative consequence.

To be nothing of use and entirely a burden.

Is that being truthful or nihilistic?

I'm quite sure I'm not depressed or delusional. I just stated the truth.

I even checked in with a psych recently, just to be sure, and she agreed I wasn't depressed and said, my state of mind was congruent with my circumstance.

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I am nothing and I do nothing. That is truth.

I did not intentionally challenge the meaning of life, just admitted that mine was void of it.

Not with sadness or histrionics. Maybe that is why it was labelled nihilistic rather than depressive?

Because in psychiatry nihilism is associated with thought disorder and depression with mood disorder.

But what if your ideas or mood are completely appropriate to your given circumstances?

Are they not then just realism expressed out loud to ears that hear them and feel uneasy?Then project themselves into your state of being and equate it to a transgression from ideals and morality?

My husband said, I'm the least nihilistic person he knows.

I don't know. But I must admit I find great comfort and rest in nothingness.

Do we all not possess hope and despair simultaneously?

Is searching for meaning not an attempt to quieten the nihilistic fear inside of everyone?

He has unintentionally set me on a quest. A nihilistic philosophical endeavour.