Just (Female) Aspie things

Bumping into the same corner of the same cabinet every day for months before you finally get sick of it and move it 2" to the left. Two days later, you bump into it AGAIN and scream internally/externally. Your s/o looks at you like you are slightly insane. You might be.

Researching the latest cell phone tech/laptops/computer parts, but have no money to actually buy these things. You just like knowing what's up for some reason. This information is, in reality, of very little use to you.

Planning out your day by the hour, going about your plans, and then something happens and throws your whole groove off and now you just sit on the couch staring at a wall because plans are everything and now they're completely fucked so this wall is much more reliable than life right now and you'll continue to stare at it until your eyeballs bleed.

Being a total perfectionist and getting visibly, inconsolably upset when something small doesn't work out the way you want it to.

Self-checkout is the only way. Do not talk to the cashier. Or anyone. Why do cashiers always speak in sarcasm? You don't understand sarcasm and then you wind up looking like an uptight moron when you don't get the joke. Self-checkout. Always.

Drop your phone 7 times in one day. Scream like a pterodactyl the 8th time. Your s/o pops their head out of the other room with a concerned, fearful look on their face. You want to melt into the floor.

In large group of friends. Stay silent and listen most of the time, because you're not sure how to intelligently interject into the conversation. Get anxious about not saying anything for a while. Blurt out some really dark joke that nobody gets and wind up looking like a moron. Be painfully unaware you looked like a moron until 2 hours later when you wonder why everyone got super silent all of a sudden after you spoke. Scream internally.

Someone pokes fun at you on the internet. You take them seriously and go into a rampaging rant. Cue "I was just joking, take a chill pill!" Panic delete all comments.

Sitting in traffic with s/o in passengers' seat. Conversation flowing from s/o, someone tries to cut you off, "FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCK I'M TRYING TO DRIVE YOU ASSHOLE DON'T YOU KNOW THERE ARE RULES TO THIS ROAD WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" s/o looks at you like you're crazy (again, you might be) and asks if you've heard a word they said. You haven't. Concentrating on the road in traffic is HARD and everything is loud and people are honking and doing illegal things and your brain is all over the place and "I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU, GET OFF MY ASS" and then you exit the freeway and feel physically exhausted by the anxiety.

Conversation between coworkers in lunchroom that you are not a part of. Randomly interject useless fact about the conversation topic. Coworkers look at you like you're crazy. The silence is deafening. This time, you realize immediately that you fucked up. Turn red and stare at phone intently.

Read an entire book in one sitting. Feel slightly hungover and sad. Eat various garbage food items in the fridge, then go to bed at 7:30 because you can't handle real life right now.

Constantly worry about whether people like you or not, be self-aware that it shouldn't matter, endless cycle of "they hate me" and then "it's all in your head" and probably a little "why am I like this?" sprinkled on top.

Having to google news articles to figure out if they're satire or not.

Being inconceivably, irrationally, extremely angry and sad and overwhelmed and depressed and hopeless and then realizing you're starting your period. Unfortunately this realization just turns you into a troll for a week because you gave up fighting the hormone monster when you were 15. Your s/o tries to help and you just wind up snarling at them from your corner, your face lit in an eerie blue from the laptop screen playing a children's movie.

Trying to sleep and hearing the neighbor upstairs. End up creating an entire life story for them in your head. You have the urge to sneak upstairs and put your ear to the door to "study" your specimen. Realize what you are thinking. Shudder and wonder if you are crazy. Try not to think about it. It's 3 in the morning and you're still not asleep. Get angry. Think about it some more.

Listen to the same 18 songs on repeat for six months until you and everyone around you is sick of them. Find a new list of exactly 18 songs. Repeat.

Weed does weird things to you. Like suddenly everything is funny, and it usually takes a lot to make you get a sly joke. You really, really like weed.

You obsess over making a list of things that happen as a result of being an Aspie. You get REALLY into it, and then realize that you're obsessing and that probably nobody cares and why are you putting this on the internet, you moron, people are going to judge you.

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Walk away from the list and come back two hours later. Unable to stop thinking about the list, you must finish it.

Force yourself to think of positive things to put on the list, even though you're probably in a deeply depressive episode.

Move mountains for your friends, they're the only people who tolerate your weirdness. Friends and people close to you love you and always ask for advice or favors. You stretch yourself very thin caring for others, eventually snap because nobody is taking care of you and you're certainly not taking care of yourself.

Find a therapist.

Go to therapy once per week, writing down/rehearsing the things you want to say to them throughout the week. Realize you only have 1 hour to convey all the weird-ass, fucked-up shit that happened over the course of the six days you did not see your therapist. Sheepishly ask therapist if you can do twice per week. Therapist makes a comment about "never getting enough of them" and you become confused. Therapist realizes the mistake, "sarcasm, I apologize" you sink into your seat a little. You make a mental note to find a new therapist when you get home. Zone out for the rest of the session. Forget to cancel your other appointments because you're hung up on not getting one fucking sarcastic joke.

Well that wasn't very positive. You shrug. Fuck it.

Realize this whole post is a rambling, ranty, pathetic mess that you probably shouldn't publish. You really should stop oversharing, it's off-putting. Do it anyway.