After two posts I think I sort of forgot the reason I started this blog in the first place. Hence my lack of motivation to get on here and post something for the last few weeks.
How fucked up is it that I immediately got caught up in what you, anonymous readers, think about me? I was checking my page to see if anyone had commented or followed me. Wasn't the whole point of this to spill my guts to strangers? Not caring what they think?
Let me start over. Let me get back to authenticity. Starting with the fact that I'm writing this post directly into Steemit instead of in a Google Doc which I would then proof read and sleep on before posting. I don't even know what this post is going to be about. But here goes...
I'm lost! I'm so lost! But it's the kind of lost where you KNOW you're lost, you vaguely know WHY you're lost, but none of that helps because you're still fucking lost. I feel like a caterpillar in a cucoon right now, hiding from the scary world in my little apartment and trying so hard to make my wings grow before I have to go outside. Granted, I feel like a lucky little caterpillar and I'm grateful for my cuccoon.
See, right now I really am alone. These are my last couple of months alone before I pick up and move to another country where I'll be sharing a room with a friend. My ex-non-relationship-guy left me in November. And he was the only reason I still lived here. I hardly know anyone here anymore. I mostly only leave my cuccoon to go to work. Sounds lonely (it is lonely) but I do see it as an opportunity to figure myself out. Maybe grow some wings and become a better version of myself? Hence getting into stuff like online self-help seminars, books, journaling, and yeah even blogging of all things.
I really do feel like I'm in some kind of metamorphosis. But it's like it's only happening in my brain. I think, I contemplate, I analyze, constantly. But I always feel like I'm not doing anything about anything. I'm simply becoming steadily and painfully aware of my issues. I'm starting to realize that certain members of my family induce a frightening level of rage in me. I have a desperate need for approval (even from anonymous readers, apparently). I feel the need to earn love instead of receive it. I'm manipulative and controlling (this was a huge surprise to find out!). I'm still being controlled by mindsets that were created in me as a child.
And the worst part of all of this is that these aspects of myself keep leading me to heartache again and again and again. I walk into toxic situations like a lamb asking to be slaughtered. And yet I'm somehow always shocked at how bad it hurts afterwards.
Long story short: I'm trying to move forward. I want to change because being this way hurts too much.
This is probably a bit weird to mention but it seems meaningful somehow. I did a meditation exercise where you're supposed to visit your "Stranger." Someone who looks like you and lives inside you and sort of sums up the bad stuff about you. In my mind I went into a dark cave that had a small lake of fire in it. My Stranger was on the other side. I had to walk around to get to her. She was cowered in a dark corner. I could barely see her. I could just see that she was naked and covered in dirt. She was fucking pathetic. I was supposed to give her a name. Sadness was the only word that came to mind.
After the meditation I was like what the fuck?! Is my inner self in actual hell? Pitiful and hopeless? I know it was just an exercise but for someone with a relatively dull imagination I was suprised at how those images have stayed with me.
I don't want any part of me to live in hell. It's time to figure some of my shit out.