MR SELF DESTRUCT
Chapter 7: As the world turns
"Dear diary,
Hey you’re an asshole and I still haven’t figured out why I write in you. You seem like such a time waster and you're worth is nonexistent. This writing of my feelings is horseshit and the doctor is a buffoon. Seriously, when they said brains, she thought they said trains. She started shouting Choo Choo in excitement. Oh here she comes now.
A light knock came at the door and Dr. Ronson peeked her head in. “It’s me! How’s my favorite patient today?” she said with excitement as she tried to cut the tension in the room that I was projecting toward her. I had a lot going on with me lately that I wasn’t sure she could handle it on the first session. I recently lost my job, had to find a new place to live, and my love life was nonexistent too. I was a black cloud of doom and I wasn’t sure she could handle it. If anyone could help though, she was the only one I trusted. She was literally the only one I could share my deepest and darkest secrets with and she wouldn’t judge me. When you have a doctor like that, then you don’t change them or lose contact with them. Everyone else thought I was crazy. Not really the best term to use or a very appropriate term. I was probably nuttier than a squirrel turd though, and the reason I wasn’t in a padded room was because of her.
“So tell me how you’re feeling today Taison. How has everything been? When was the last time we had a formal or informal session? Probably too long right?” said Dr. Ronson with excitement.
“It has been over 3 years. I have had to deal with people at a community mental health and their horseshit. You lived in a completely different state. You just conveniently moved here. Not really sure why?”
“Taison I’m worried about you and I don’t know where this hostility is coming from. I have always been here for you. We maintained contact by phone and Skype until about a year ago. It seemed like you disconnected from everything and everyone. I got offered the chance to start my practice here and I took it. My business partner is another psychiatrist, Mr. Brundy, and he’s in the room across the hall. We chose here because it’s small and quaint”
“I honestly don’t believe you. You’re worried about me, the crazy sociopath patient and the first chance you got to assist me you took it” I said venomously with a bitter tone as the words spilled from my mouth. The words flew like projectile, like word vomit. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything like that, but I did in haste and anger. I was totally in the wrong, but someone deserved to hear my wrath.
“Taison, we don’t have to have the session right now or you can talk about anything else that you want to. Really I want to show you that I want to be your friend and your doctor” she said kindly and trying to sound serious.
“Bad move doc, never befriend your patient it can be very violent and toxic. What About Bob, Joker and Harley Quinn from the Batman series…any of that starting to ring a bell? Patients who need help are there to get help, not watch a movie or play golf with you. Sure let’s plan a robbery or a murder spree next” I said with sarcasm.
Her face was priceless. Her jaw dropped in what looked like surprise and disgust. If her jaw dropped anymore she probably would have been able to win an eating contest. She didn’t know what to say next. She was unprepared for me and rightfully so she should have been.
“Taison I don’t know what to say to any of that. I thought you wanted this session? Is everything ok with you? What is going on at home?” She said with a concerned voice.
It's not something I wanted to spring on her as a worried and ashamed look came over my face. I had been ashamed by all the things that had happened to me recently. “My grades are slipping in college. It’s been to the point I was almost on academic probation. I lost my job, I lost my vehicle, and I don't have a stable place to live. My life is shitty right now. I won't be graduating with a master’s degree if I don't finish my last year and do an internship. I'm a complete fuck up and I always have been” I said viciously.
“Taison, you’re misguided and you just need a new direction. Almost like a boat who needs to move its sails a different direction. I can only help if you let me” she said as our eyes seemed to make direct contact. I had her where I wanted her now. I was in control of the conversation, but for the first time in a long time I really didn’t want to talk. Suddenly she continued and the incessant babbling was starting to become aggravating
“If I also may interject you should stop beating yourself up and being so critical. It sure doesn't sound like the Taison I know. You're full of ambition and intensity. You have fire in your belly and I think you can do anything you put your mind too. When we first met you were an ambitious and driven teenager. I still remember how you wanted to be a lawyer or an advocate for younger children. Are you still trying to pursue that?” she asked curiously.
My heart and my mind started to race. I wasn't sure what to think. Hadn't she ever heard the saying curiosity killed the cat! Well I won't be the one to tell her.
My focus is still the same. I'm studying to be a legal advocate or defense attorney for the less fortunate. I want to be able to help people. I'm not worried as much about the money as I am about doing well for others. That was a complete lie but it worked. My degree program is in social work and I can still be a legal advocate. I seasoned my lies with a little truth. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I just hope she didn't see through my facade and think I was a pathological liar. That could get bad quick and I didn't need that. After a little more conversation the session was done. I couldn't wait to run out the door, but I held my composure. When she handed me a new appointment card I walked out and I was free for another week.
Chapter 8: Life is a lemon
Dr. Ronson held her Dictaphone in her hand, turned it on and started to speak. "My patient Taison had his first session and it went OK. He hasn't had a professional session with me in a few years. The patient suffers from many issues like before. Things like narcissism, sociopathy, social anxiety, and manic depression. Just to name a few things. patient is extremely intelligent and conniving. It is not advisable that the patient works more than a part time job with the public. I also worry he may be a danger to himself or others. Patient needs to have more sessions with me before I decide what meds would be good for him".
She briefly stopped and gazed out the window. She watched as a squirrel took nuts to its hole that it had. She wished the meeting today probably would have went a little smoother. Possibly with engaging conversation or none at all. There was so much anger in Taison's voice and she wasn't sure why.
"Patient exhibited a lot of anger and hostility toward me. Not sure if it was supposed to be projected at me or accidental. I will discuss the possibility of new mEd's and how to help him deal with his current stress. I hope I can help him, I worry he may become more violent" she said as she sighed. For the first time she admitted Taison was dangerous. She needed to do whatever she could to help him quickly.
Chapter 9: Frayed edges
“Dear Diary,
I want to kidnap a woman and commit my first act of violence, but I don’t have the balls to actually go through with it. I am a complete buffoon and a pansy. Fuck you diary for snickering at me. I have been watching her awhile and still haven’t made a move. Maybe I’m not cut out to stalk, kidnap, or kill. Maybe I should be thinking of much larger crimes.
I sat there in my car waiting for her to leave work. Her name was Mona and she was far from my league. She had silky white skin, pouty lips, a button nose, brown hair, green eyes, average size height and weight, and she has a nice chest and butt. She worked at a Domino’s pizza place across town full time. I knew her schedule very well and it seemed to hardly ever change. The only time it changed is when she switched shifts or schedules with her friend Angelika. Tonight was not one of those nights and no one else was helping her cover the tail end of the shift. I watched her from a distance and just waited. She had made a few pizzas to sell at the counter and completed a few pickups. She was getting ready to close soon. I wasnt't sure if tonight would be the night, but I would sure as hell try. I had dropped the ball on trying to kidnap her for the longest time now. I was starting to think I was a complete idiot. I needed to find a dark spot with no cameras and very little light. This was next to impossible in this area and if there were no cameras there was still a traffic light or some dumbass nosey person. I knew that she walked home and what route she took every night. Now all I had to do was wait and try not to fall asleep. I was actually tucked back toward the back of the parking lot, but I could still see her. When she left and she started walked I would drive up next to her and ask if she needed a ride. If she took the invitation, I would make sure she didn’t leave the car. She would be like a moth to a flame or a fly caught in a spider’s web. I just sat in my car just waiting and watching. Finally, an hour later she locked up, and she headed down the sidewalk away from Domino’s. Diary abort the mission. I’m a complete pussy, let’s try something different”