This Is What Happens Almost Every Time I Go In For An Oil Change

It almost never fails that every single time I go in to get an oil change on the car, the following happens:

Me: (need oil change on car, see special, pull in even though I already know they are going to make an excuse as to why I can't have that price)

Mechanic: Hello! (sucker) What are you in for today?

Me: I just need an oil change, and there's a light on the dash that comes on every so often. I don't know what it means.

Mechanic: No problem. Give me your keys and we'll take a look.

:: 20 minutes later ::

Mechanic: Miss Driver?

Me: Hi, yeah, is it done?

Mechanic: Well, we seem to have a bit of a problem. Part of the oil change package is that we do a check of the entire vehicle, and I've got some issues we found that I need to go over with you.

Me: (here we go) Ok.

Mechanic: Come back here so you can see what I'm talking about.

:: walk to shop where car is up on the lift ::

Mechanic: The first problem is that your engine mounts are bad. That is dangerous, and can cause you to get into an accident while driving down the road. The second problem is that your tie rods need to be replaced. If you don't get those taken care of, you could get into an accident while driving down the road. Legally, I'm obligated to confiscate the car if I deem it too dangerous to drive off of the lot.

Me: You're not taking my car. What else?

Mechanic: Now, if you come around here and look right here, you will see that your car is leaking.

Me: (notice very fresh "grease" that was obviously applied right before retreiving me from the waiting room) Uh-huh.

Mechanic: This is a big problem. You need to have this taken care of. If you don't, you could get into an accident while driving down the road. We also noticed that your car is not running efficiently, but we have some additives that we can add into the tank. The additive will circulate throughout your car and clean everything to make it run smoother. If your car isn't running efficiently, it could break down while you're driving and cause you to be in an accident.

Me: ...

Mechanic: Also, your a/c needs to be charged. If you don't do it, it could cause a fire. Finally, your rotors are rusted, and you should really get brand new brake pads, drums, rotors....you should do all tires at the same time so there's balance. If you can't stop, you could get into a serious accident so this should not be overlooked. Ok? So we have written up an estimate for you. Do you want to go over it?

Me: (he's wasting my time, let's waste his time) Why not, sure.

Mechanic: So, the engine mounts will run you about $450, but that's with labor. For the brakes, you're looking at around $350 for the front and then another $350 for the back, but if you do all 4 now, we will give you a discount and give you $100 off. To charge your a/c will cost you $89, the tie rods are going to cost you about $2000 - and I know that sounds like a lot, but if it breaks while you're driving, you could kill someone. The leak indicates an issue that will cost about $250 to repair, and then the additive we will throw in for free because we want you to have a smooth running engine. And finally, our special for the oil change only applies to 2 door cars, so the oil change for you will be full price at $59.99.

Now give me a moment to add this all up...Ok...alright, before tax, the total cost to fix all repairs and ensure that you have a very safe and efficient vehicle will be $3449. In addition to that, there will be a disposal fee that we will add on once all of the repairs are made. Also, you should be aware that your battery is low, and you're going to need a new one. For your make and model, those run at about $179 with labor. Do you want us to take care of that at the same time? You'll just be back here within a month if you don't.

Me: Wow. That's a lot of money. All I wanted was an oil change and the light on the dash looked at. You didn't even mention the light on the dash.

Mechanic: Well, we have to think about your safety and the safety of everyone else out on the road. We are more than happy to get started on this right away.

Me: Just give me my keys back, please.

(For the TL;DR crowd: I take my car in for an oil change, I'm told that I have several issues that will cause me to be in an horrific accident that will kill people.)

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I then find someone who will do the oil change for a pizza and a 6 pack. After that, I drive to another mechanic that gives free full inspections and ask them to report anything wrong with the car. Usually I am asked, "We can't find anything, what were you told was wrong?" When all of that is done, I then go to Yelp! and tell the world about the first mechanic.

So that you know, I have kept every single receipt for any work done on the car since I've had it, and the 1 previous owner had done the same thing. All work ever done on my car is on paper in my glove box. And while I'm not a mechanic, I have spent an exorbitant amount of time learning about how engines work, what parts are, where they are, what they are for, etc. I have helped work on my own car(s) in the past because I wanted to learn as much as possible not only because it's cheaper, but to prevent myself from falling prey to these types of people.