Pacification and Purpose
Source
There she was, the one most single important person in my life staring at me with a blank and unemotional stare. Almost as if I was expecting to find her in such a horrible situation, I didn't think much of how, why or how gruesome my mother had been placed in this bathtub; just the vision I had of her in my dreams and the misplaced words that were now more real and clear than what I was looking at. My life changed dramatically in this moment, for all my time with my mother had just been unfairly ended like a chapter in a book.
With mother gone I had no one to take care of anymore. My routines of making coffee and breakfast for my mother and siblings, our late night tv show watching that comprised of Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman, Highlander and Due South and of course the not leaving mom's side and helping her around after being beat into submission by dad... was obliterated. Everything I found to give myself value and purpose in life had vanished like that with a flip of that bathroom light switch.
I can't remember what initially propelled me to grab our cordless phone and call 911 as the shock still haunts and freezes me. That moment will, I feel, stay suspended in my mind. A survival instinct had kicked in, with only the words of "Just help people and you will be fine." from my dream that previous night. I had to step up and try to help. The only way I knew how was to call 9-11.
For some unnecessary reason, I awoke my sister to first tell her of our moms passing. She argued with me to see her as I looked for the phone to call 9-11. Just as I found the phone and started dialing she went to see our now deceased mother against my orders.
My sister and I stood over our mother's body as I argued with the 9-11 operator about the condition of my mother. "Sir are you sure she's dead?" This question snapped me back to reality. Holding back tears was impossible at this point. "OF COURSE SHE IS FUCKING DEAD!" I was insulted and did some much need yelling at the operator. Hanging up the phone on her was also extremely satisfying as I wasn't about to be treated like some average 11-year-old snot faced kid and have my intelligence insulted by their voice change, you know how adults have a condescending way to talk to youths.
It was like a movie after I hung up the phone with the operator. Everyone and everything was speeding by me at the speed of light. I remember going off on the first cop that arrived and continuing on how she was murdered. This cop was extremely concerned and bit his lip and let me talk. I was assured my mother's killer would be found by him after he visited the bathroom where my mother was. He told me to stay out of my parent's room, he closed the door to their room and called for backup. The look on his face was one of concern as he guarded the door and didn't say much.
It wasn't long after that our house became littered with cops. The second cop to arrive didn't even evaluate the crime scene he just focused all his energy on me and assured me accidents happen. He was talking in the same tone as the 9-11 operator. This I knew as a 11-year-old child was bullshit. I told the cop he was a liar and requested the first cop to talk to this one and show him how mothers head was completely turned 180° and how her legs were her face in the direction they shouldn't have been. Her head neck had been snapped completely off her neck with the heals of her feet touching her face. It was a scene, not even the Exorcist movies could emulate. How could this be an accident? Who slips and falls into an impossible yoga position? Not even a double jointed could manage the way my mom had been placed. Unfortunately, the first cop had been quickly rushed off the scene and made unavailable as I kept requesting for him. He was the only one who wasn't trying to pacify me and made mention of finding my mother's killer but now he was forever gone. Even he had found it strange there was cloth towels perfectly arranged on the bathroom floor so as to completely cover it. Now all I had was the pacification crew by my side as I waited for my father and my mother's parents to show up.
I was tired of the cops telling me over and over again that accidents happen. Their pacification game was weak and quite tiresome. They didn't want to take my witness statement and actually refused to after I wouldn't drop key details like the towels and my suspicion of her murder. Finally, my father had arrived but was too busy acting like he was sad but had the same tone of voice and demeanor as he did when he simply traded his kids away for a silly gun heirloom not rightfully his in Fallon, NV. The cops were eating up his story like it was first thing in the morning and it was a nice hot pot of coffee being served to them.
Luckily, my grandparents showed up during my dad's bullshit. Their only daughter had just passed. She was the best daughter anyone could ever ask for. She excelled in everything she did and was full of love. She would do anything for anyone even if that meant no sleep. She had a degree in English and a minor in history. She gave them Grandkids and 30 years of accomplishments. The only thing she did wrong was staying in a relationship/marriage with a man who had become a different version of himself consumed with the power of a satanic demon and not that of a loving God he once resembled.
My grandfather was busy trying to find out what happened with the cops when my grandparents arrived at our house. My father was continuously interrupting my grandfather as my grandmother sat there on our couch with a cigarette just burning away. The 2-inch long cigarette ash she masterfully kept suspended had just fallen from my speechless and emotionless grandmother. Quickly I had found something to satisfy my need to be of service or rather to help people as it turns out. My first real sense my mom was watching me from somewhere up above or even in the present was in this moment, when I found myself with a broom and dustpan, sweeping up the ashes from my grandmother's cigarette. I knew this simple thing was exactly what my mother wanted. Was for me to always help no matter how small or big the task was.
Source
Part 1
https://steemit.com/autobiography/@dynamicgreentk/my-life-story
Part 2
https://steemit.com/autobiography/@dynamicgreentk/my-life-story-pt-2
Part 3
https://steemit.com/autobiography/@dynamicgreentk/my-life-story-pt-3
Part 4
https://steemit.com/autobiography/@dynamicgreentk/my-life-story-part-4
Part 5
https://steemit.com/autobiography/@dynamicgreentk/my-life-story-part-5
