I have been noticing a certain tendency in myself that I find peculiar and that has re-emerged forcefully over the last couple of months to a degree that still puzzles me. It's the tendency to want to remain in my current state of mind and awareness even when I know that it would be high time to move on...
Speaking of high times. Getting high is a good example.
Smoking weed is about one of the most favorite experiences I can undergo but I also worry sometimes because I find it so hard to let go of (knowing how hard it is is what makes it so hard). To make that conscious break and to put my smoking to a stop before it starts to overwhelm and shake up my life to the core (like it has so many times in the past when I was still a thc-novice). God, the following day of withdrawal is hell for me. Pure hell. It's filled with sadness, anger fits and all sorts of biochemical rollercoasters and yet I still choose to undergo those times for the benefit that I get while being high, enjoying it thoroughly. I want to say I have gotten fairly good with putting that much needed stop in there though I would be lying if I claimed that putting the weed down is EVER an easy thing for me. It's not. It's a recurring trial of cosmic degree. The difference is that now when I smoke weed after a long break, I know fully well how tought it will be for me to crawl out of it again when the party is over.
Call it a calculated loan from my happiness reservoir, willfully enduring deprived serotonin storage in the days after the last weed in the house has been smoked...
Another great example for my noticeable resistance to transitioning states of awareness is sleep. On one hand I love sleeping, I really do dig it a lot. But then I rarely ever want to go to bed. I chronically overextend my time doing things in the waking state, be it studying, making music, analyzing trades, listening to high calibre philosophy, dancing, anything I love doing. I just can't ever seem to get enough of it while I am awake. And when the time comes that my body demands sleep I rarely want to give it because I'm just so much into being awake. Like a kid who doesn't want to go to bed at 8 when mom says it's bedtime.
ON THE OTHER HAND, whenever I DO find myself in bed, I cannot ever get up with ease. I really tried and there are maybe a good 4 times in my life when I woke up and actually got up instantly, even with a positive carpe-diem attitude. The vast majority of times however it's a struggle. I long to go back to my dreams, I worry about the worldly things ahead of me for the day and I am sad that I have to cross over to the Earthly realm with all the ins and outs of my human story ALREADY.
I absolutely love my life and still I find it hard to make that transition.
And you would think this has somehow gotten better over the years or that it has come to a point where I feel kind of alright with it but I still do not. Hell, I've often pulled an all-nighter in the past just to get around that awkward and emotionally painful transition of waking up, so that after two days doing my thing I am just dead tired, going to bed at 5 pm the second day and sleeping for a good 13 hours straight just to get more time in state and less time in transitioning between states.
In a way this whole resistance to transitioning states of awareness has been one of my greatest lessons in life as well.
Every time it happens it reminds me that one cannot exist without the other, that nothing in or of this world can last forever and that letting go of this in order to go to that is somehow an integral part of our existence as conscious beings.
And so, while I still struggle with this and consider myself a terrible grumpy dude the first hour of most days, I still smile at myself knowing that the time where I wouldn't go to bed for the life of me is close at hand again. And though I can never fully get with it I feel I have at least accepted the necessity for on and off, for up and down, for light and dark. At least while I am dreaming the human existence in all its shapes and colors.
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