How To Snort Coke Off A Bitcoin

in bitcoin •  8 years ago 

Very informative article by the Wunderground LOL. Enjoy.

Cryptocurrencies are currently more popular than a pulled pork sandwich drinking a pint of gin and tonic in a unicorn-themed pop-up bar, that’s pretty fucking popular by any stretch of the imagination.

Here at Wunderground HQ, we’re never shy about latching onto popular ideas and using them to look like we’ve got our collective fingers on the pulse and pretending we’re in the know and cool. So, we reckon now is the perfect time for us to jump on the Bitcoin bandwagon, along with half of the world’s population, by writing an ill-advised guide to using the currency.

We’re not really interested in any of the normal shit that everyone else talking about Bitcoin doesn’t understand. So, instead, we’re going to give our readers what they really want; a guide to using Bitcoin to snort coke.

The humble coin has long been a go-to tool for moving small quantities of drugs from your bag to your nose. It might not seem like the most hygienic method but that cocaine has probably been up someone’s arse at some stage so fuck it. The question that is currently on everyone’s lips is “can I use a Bitcoin to snort coke?”. Thankfully, the answer is yes and here’s how.

First off, you need to get your hands on a Bitcoin. This is a lot easier than it sounds. Most people probably think that you need to be computer savvy and knowledgeable about various different elements of finance and currencies to get your hands on the elusive currency. But, in reality, all you need is a pliers, a child, a pillow and a very small snare trap.

Not many people know this, but the Tooth Fairy now regularly leaves Bitcoins under children’s pillows. All you need to do is trick the tooth fairy into leaving a Bitcoin under your pillow and you’ll soon be able to enjoy your favourite drug fresh off your brand new shiny Bitcoin.

Now, you’ll need a kid because everyone knows the Tooth Fairy doesn’t visit adults, judging by the fact you’re reading a guide about snorting drugs off an internet currency we’ll assume you don’t have any of your own, so you’ll need to borrow one of a close friend or family member.

Once you have the kid you’ll need a tooth, a kid’s tooth is no use because the only person with rights to a Tooth Fairy Bitcoin is the tooth owner so you’ll need to use the pliers to pull one of your own teeth out. This might seem extreme but, remember, Bitcoin is the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity so it’s a small price to pay.

You may have also noticed that we advised you to get a very small snare trap. Some of you probably thought you were to use this to catch the child. If you did, you were wrong and you probably shouldn’t be anywhere near children. The trap is actually for phase two of the plan, catching the tooth fairy. If you really want to use a magical currency to snort drugs, surely you should have a magical creature delivering those drugs to your nose every time, right? To do this you’ll need a snare trap, made from dental floss, and a tiny bit of bait to attract the tooth fairy. They have a diet made up exclusively of ketamine and rose petals so either should do the trick.

Once you set the trap and left your tooth under the pillow, you’ll need to leave the room. Tooth Fairies are able to smell adults so hiding under the bed or in a wardrobe won’t work. This is where you really need to believe in your trap making abilities. If you’re not confident, do a Bear Grylls marathon before you make the trap and you should be OK.

All you can do now is sit back and wish for a Bitcoin as hard as you can overnight. If all goes to plan you’ll have your very own Bitcoin and a snared Tooth Fairy the next morning. You’ll have to be extra careful when handling the Tooth Fairy, ironically, they have extremely sharp teeth and will go straight for the jugular if they get the chance. Get the dental floss out again and tie the little bugger up good and tight. Then use your pliers to pull out all of its teeth. Once you have completely removed all of its teeth, you’ll have your very own Tooth Fairy.

Now all you have to do is train the Tooth Fairy to put coke on the Bitcoin and flutter up to your nose with it delivering the perfect bump, completely hassle free, every time. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to snort coke off a Bitcoin, like a total boss.

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This is how: You pay a hooker in Bitcoin, then snort it off her ass/chest/belly/wherever-you-want! Technically that IS snorting off a BTC. Thank me later! =)

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