The bizzare tale of Bobby Bitcoin. - A very short short story.

He couldn't believe it, it was all gone. Every last bit of Bobby Bitcoin's precious Bitcoin had been carelessly blown on drugs and bad investments. An early pioneer of the crypto scene, Bobby, the 24 year old hippie son of a banker who hated everything about banks and fiat money, had built himself a small fortune in bitcoin over the years, spending every last dime of his childhood savings and tirelessly busting ass at McDonalds to upgrade his mining rigs over the years as the difficulty increased. He had done well, always with one simple goal in mind - to never have to be a "Timeclock Jockey". He would talk about his days at McDonalds as if he spent 40 years in a woodmill, preaching the evils of the 9-5 workplace, corrupt bosses and the like - the kind of things you would expect to hear from a dude that looked like Bobby if you're one to judge on appearance, as he was quite proud to show off who and what he was. His long, dirty slightly dreaded hair hung down to his shoulders partially covering a blue eyed, scruffy but feminine face. Tattered jeans and a thrift store "Nirvana" shirt. He consistently had pinpoint pupils and always smelled like pungent weed. But enough about the back story - let's get to what happened.

Bobby sat in horror, rocking nervously in a non rocking chair, staring at the zero balance of his Bitcoin wallet. He checked a few other wallets that he had kept smaller amounts in, in the past - nada, zilch, zip. Not so much as one fucking satoshi, he thought to himself.

He browsed the pages of his favorite darknet market, desperately wanting to place an order. He browsed the front page of coinmarketcap, itching to buy the massive dip that bitcoin was taking that day.

"Fuck, taking a total dump, this is bullshit, unbelievable BULLshit"

Bobby slammed his fists on the desk, even slapped himself a few times (remember folks, this guy's elevator doesn't always go all the way to the top), kicked over the Cleveland Browns wastebasket next to his desk - and an ingenious idea stared him in the face. A crumbled newspaper article on a sex trafficking bust in which the police had used a website commonly used to sell things such as couches, appliances and what have you, locally. Bobby picked up the article and began reading, his face took on a sort of grinchy grin as he formulated his scheme in his head. He jumped up and ran over to the full length mirror attached to his closet and began posing. He made kissy faces, posed like a porn star, even twerked a little bit, brushing his hair in various ways to make himself appear more feminine. Yes, he thought, yes by George I think I can pull this shit off.

He ran to the bathroom and promptly shaved, he spent hours washing, combing, and straightening his hair. He looked in the mirror at his now even more feminine looking self and giggled a bit, kind of like a girl. He scurried back to his computer, sat down and pulled up a similar website used to sell things locally, the "dating" section quickly caught his eye, he clicked and was met with dozens of postings by various women advertising services of all sorts.

"Perfect", he said to himself. He posted the following ad.

100% REAL!!! I COME TO YOU!
hey boys! tired of getting bait n switched? sick of boring nights at home by yourself or with your stick in the mud wife? call me! 100% legit girlfriend experience! NO law enforcement, i drive myself!
I ACCEPT BITCOIN!!!

He included his phone number.

He laughed all the while writing this, stopping only to go up to his parents bedroom for a brief moment to snag some mascara and foundation from his mother's things. It took a few tries, but eventually he was able to put it on to a point where he thought "Good enough", and snapped a quick facial selfie. He found a rockin' female bod with a nice ass on google to go with it, uploaded them both along with his post, and clicked submit.

He waited.

The phone rang, Bobby put on his best girl voice and answered, even twirling his hair a little bit to get into character.

"Helloooo?"

Click

"SHIT!" Bobby thought to himself, he must have sounded too dudely. He rehearsed a little and waited some more.

The phone rang again, this time the call went just as Bobby had hoped, and a sophistocated sounding man on the other end was more than happy to agree to Bobby's per hour prices. Better yet? The man asked if he could really pay with bitcoin, Bobby's day had been made. Surely, he thought to himself, anyone willing to pay for sex with bitcoin must have a good lot of it - and he wanted that lot. He headed over to his closet and dressed himself in some of his ex girlfriend's clothes, marvelling in the fact that they actually fit (bobby is/was a skinny dude). He reached in his nightstand drawer and pulled out his Titan .25 caliber pistol, checking to make sure it was loaded, cocking it back and engaging the safety, tucking it away in his waistband.

Bobby got in his car and drove to the agreed meeting place, the holiday inn on the other side of town. He questioned what he was doing on his way there, but there was no turning back, the trap had been laid and the prey was on it's way. He pulled in the lot, parked and went inside, nervously shaking a little on the elevator ride up to the room number the man on the phone had given him.

"Ding!"

Bobby, having gone from a Kurt Cobain stunt double to actually being able to pass for a young woman, made his way down the hall to room no. 222. He knocked nervously, went into a sort of "zone" as he couldn't believe what he was doing...or what he was about to do rather, the door opened. Much to his surprise, a tall black man in his mid 30's stood in the doorway - he had sounded much older, and white on the phone. Bobby's eyes widened a little bit as he looked up, the man smiled down at him and gave him a sultry "Haiii".

Bobby was scared.

He smiled back at the man, almost wanting to curtsey simply out of not knowing what to do or how to act, he put on his girl voice and squeaked out "hey sugah" as the man stepped aside to let him in the room. Bobby made his way inside, his hand already inching towards the gun in his waistband - What the fuck am I doing right now? he thought to himself.

"Have a seat baby, I'll be right back", the man went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Put off a bit, Bobby tried to remain calm. He shook both legs and twiddled his thumbs as his eyes peered around the room, he started to count the sailboats on the wallpaper "1...2...3", his hand inches from the gun, ready to grab as soon as the man came out of the bathroom, he was going to make himself all sorts of bitcoin tonight, he thought. The bathroom door opened, Bobby turned excitedly.

CHH CHH, a .45 caliber pistol much larger than his .25 inched closer to his face rapidly, held by the black man who now took off his wig, revealing himself to actually be a herself, it was actually a big black woman, or rather a little black woman wearing very large pumps.

"GIMMIE ALL YA BITCOINS BITCH, LEMME SEE DEM PRIVATE KEYS"

Bobby sat horrified, not knowing what to do next, he nervously pulled out his own gun, stood up and took several steps back, the two now aiming at eachother.

"Fuggoff bitch! Lemme see YOUR private keys!", he used his real voice.

The woman's eyes widened in utter shock, they both staggered in place a little bit not knowing what to do next.

Knock Knock Knock, they both gasped and looked towards the door.

They looked back at eachother, both too afraid to speak, thinking it might be the police. The woman took a few quiet steps towards the door, Bobby, ready to make a run for it, followed. She peeped out the peep hole, looked nervously back at Bobby who still had his gun raised, and opened the door a crack. An elderly man wearing a cardigan carrying a 12 pack of faygo orange soda and a little ceasars pizza stood at the door.

"Y...yes?" she said nervously.

"I'M HERE FOR THE BITCOIN PARTY :D!" the man exclaimed with jubilence.

The end.

I wish i could add to this but i wrote it up quick before work this morning after someone brought up a memory, could barely bring myself to stop laughing (sadly, this is very loosely based on real events).

In the spirit of original content, the dude pictured above here is myself back during the Bobby Bitcoin days a few years back, I'm okay now, I swear.

Sorry, no pics of me wearing my moms makeup.

Don't let bitcoin drive you mad.

• Mega