Cue the angry nu-metal
I woke up feeling sucked dry. I used to wake up like this every day but after restructuring my whole thought process and learning good habits to quickly come out of these moods.
I flipped on some music that makes me smile and watched a few live performances and felt the energy come back quickly. It was nice seeing how that worked.
I had two classes planned today online. Both cancelled, one after class was supposed to start. Since it’s been such a hard time finding students and she just started, I feel bad charging her, but if she does it again I will.
So my rhythm for the day was thrown off a bit but no biggie. I got ready to write my novel but I get a message from my mom. She’s freaking out about corona again. Watching too much news. I know it’s scary but if you watch the news before you sleep or course you are gonna have nightmares and disturb your son on the other side of the world. She agrees but she keeps doing it. Like a true addict.
I couldn’t get straight to writing after that, I don’t write well when I’m not in a good state of mind so I came to see if anyone entered my hive contest. Nope, no one. Second week in a row I’m giving away free money for what I think is a nice community initiative to try and bring back old users and no one is joining. Ok.
Let me try talking to some IRL friends. Corona Corona Corona. No one has anything else to talk about. I get it, I totally do. But I kept trying to change the topic and every time a more negative line came out of their mouths. Finally they settled on politics and I had it
“fuck the dems, fuck the republicans, fuck this orange monkey, fuck the media the most!” I didn’t actually feel much anger when I said it, I just wanted to scare my friend away from the topic. So he changed back to corona and so I started reading hive posts while he was talking.
“You sound distracted”
“Sorry. Wasn’t listening.”
“Ok man. I’m gonna go”
Texted him a message saying “not in a good mood dude, sorry” although I kinda felt like he should apologize cause I was the one trying to bring the mood up.
I realized that my schedule which was looking full with work a few days before was a lot more empty. I’m gonna get into the emergency zone in about a month if I don’t start finding new students.
After all this distraction, I knew I wouldn’t be able to write today. So I played a bit of guitar. New amp not working. It was cheap but this sucks. I got it to play around with delay and drive for the first time. Arg
So I thought maybe it’s time to share a vlog I’ve wanted to share and ended up spending an hour trying to fix my mic, to no avail. Ahhhhhhh
So I took a walk to see if I could get some take out but everything is closed at 8pm despite being really lovely at 6 pm. That’s how you stop a virus!
This is the third time this week I though, “maybe I should just avoid people”. And I realized that is probably what I should do.
I still have lots to share, most of it positive...it doesn’t really seem like people are listening most of the time, but fuck it. I don’t need to pay attention to that. Mom will have to wait til I’m done writing. Maybe even longer.
I don’t need to feel guilty about putting people on hold when they can’t respect my desire not to talk about a certain topic, especially when it make it really clear.
I’m actually quite fine. I’m just a bit tired of people. I get so-called introverts. I think in most cases it is just someone who is having a hard time balancing their yin and yang in the company of others. This is often because others are idiots, or because they need space and time to “do them”.
Anyway, I know engagement is what we need right now, but it’s not what I need right now. I am in output mode, I don’t need to sit around and listen to people right now. I was there for everyone before the world fell apart and they didn’t seem to need me. Now I’m not in the mood. Sorry.
I’ll still be around and my usually self, but I think I’m going to tone down the whole extra effort. I’ve done my part and then some, so let me be a little self-indulgent now.
This is my blah face