Love It or Shove It or Whatever the Fuck

I hate these things. I have a strident dislike of myself for lowering myself to the level of allowing myself to take part in something so trite, and ultimately pointless when I could be accomplishing great and more worthwhile things.

What exactly was the thing caused me to agree to this is a story largely unknown to me, but no doubt dark and depressing.

All I know is I #blamebeth

Here are five things I love:

• STEEMIT! Just kidding.

• The most obvious one. The love of my life, the light of my day. The reason to get up every morning and embrace the day. The one person to make all of this possible on a daily, monthly, an annual basis, without fail. Myself. Smart, funny, charming. The last beacon of hope for the everlasting success of the western civilization.

• Humility. I hate it when people think too highly of themselves without proper merit.

• The Koreans for sponsoring my chosen lifestyle of doing as little as possible at any given time. I don't know which Korea it was that bought all the bitcoins off the market, but whichever Korea it was, is the best Korea.

• Animals. Of all kinds. After spending years working with customers and listening to their petty and pointless diatribes, it dawned on me one day that as long as I keep my dog well fed, hydrated, and give it the possibility to eliminate body wastes on a regular basis, it tends to shut up and leave me alone. I respect a man like that.

• Tax evasion. Taxes are a waste of taxpayers' money.

I'd mention my girlfriend, but through the years I've learned that it's always a good idea to keep them on their toes and never give them too much credit. Studies have shown that they prepare better sandwiches that way, and it also improves their love-making capabilities to a vigorous level. Empirical studies conducted and authorized by me.

Five things I hate:

• Weak-minded men and cyclists. Never mutually exclusive, that's why I mention both.

• Laziness. Not having to put your pants on is not a right, it's privilege. The highest privilege of them all. One that is earned through years of hard work and dedication, soul-crushing mental anguish, customers, existential dread and overall depression. In order to earn the pantsless life, you first must walk through fire.

• Governments. All shapes, all sizes. I hate fat ones, I hate skinny ones. I hate white ones, I hate black ones. Everything in between. When it comes to governments, I am an equal opportunity hater. I find this to be an important matter of social justice.

• Ass kissing. I'm a complete asshole, so it's highly unlikely that you sincerely enjoy my company. If you appear to do so, I will remain decidedly skeptical for a long time until I find out what it is that you really want from me. If, however, you successfully pass what I like to call The Seven Trials, I'll be your friend. I'm kinda nice.

• Incomplete lists. If given the task to list five things, have the courtesy of having required the work ethic to finish the list that was assigned to you.

I tag @ocrdu, @katdvine, and @getonthetrain. Also @moon32walker now that I think about it.

Anything beyond that would run the risk of getting confused with genuine affection, leading to further engagement with me in discussions.

Thank you.