Hello darkness my old friend ( depression is a dark cloud )

Over twenty years ago I found out I had depression, I always thought something was wrong but never thought what might be wrong, the only way I could describe it at the time was my head was full of questions but there was never any answers, I have always been what you might call a deep person and having this in my head was nothing unusual.

It was just after my first son was born, I went out to get some milk for him and then went back home, but when I got back home my wife was shouting at me asking where I had been, that is the polite way of saying what she said, I handed over the milk and said well I've been to the chemist for milk like you asked me too, aye but that was over six hours ago so where have you been, at this point I tried thinking and I broke down in tears I didn't know what had happened all I knew was that I went for milk and came home.

To this day those hours are still a blank to me, the next day she took me to the doctors and I was told oh you have anxiety take these tablets and they will make you feel better, so I did as I was told and started taking the tablets but I was started into a downward spiral, from recollections years later my wife told me what happened and what family and friends did without my knowledge at the time.

I went back to the doctors and was put on different tablets and these sort of helped me or so I thought, I took them every day and went back for more when I was nearly finished them, the doctor asked any change and I told him no so again tablets changed and off I went and started taking them again, now to most folk that have had depression they will understand where I am coming from and possibly relate to some things I say, but when you start this journey into depression and your mind there are people who have never suffered from it and some who think they know the answers, well first of all my poor wife had not got a clue what she was going to see and she tried her best, and years later she did tell me if I ever go it back she would leave me, harsh I know but I understood, and then you have the idiots that stand there and tell you, depression it's all the mind , well no poop Sherlock, see what I did there I didn't swear ha ha.

No matter what doctors were like at the time, some where good and others where here's your prescription I will see you again next month, now as depression is more accepted and not a stigma a doctor will sit you down and take the time to find out what is wrong and the best way to get you through it, I suppose over the years it has been a long learning curve for everyone.

As the months went passed I thought I was getting better in my own mind but in reality I wasn't , I was being told when to bath and shave and if I went out I had to take a phone with me, and I had to say where I was going, I suppose to my wife she had taken on another child, but I did what I was told and I never thought anything of it, I tried going to work and it didn't last, I got another job and the same again it didn't last, every now and then I would have a break and I could see how much it was affecting my wife but she always smiled and made me a cuppa, I always wanted to say something but the words never came out.

I was sitting one day on the chair in the living room and next thing I knew a mug of tea skimmed past the side of my head and smashed against the wall, I had said something and my wife launched the cup at me, she said a few words then out of the blue came over and cuddled me, I knew at this point that I needed to do something and it was only me that could do it.

I do remember waking up one morning sitting on the side of the bed, and I looked at my tablets and I decided that I was no longer going to take them, I had been walking about and feeling like a zombie for too long, I went downstairs and made a cuppa and sat down for the first time in months and I started talking to my wife, I sat and apologised for the way I had been and that from now on things were going to change, I could see the old spark in her eyes light up she knew that I had found something to bring back me and she would hep me every step of the way.

She sat me down at the kitchen table and asked me if it was the right thing to do not taking the tablets and I told her I was sick of being a prisoner in my own mind, I knew that my body was there walking about doing this and that but my mind was never with anyone but myself, and I was going to fight to get back to what I said was normal.

the months started passing by and I still went to the doctors and one day the doctor I was seeing was changed to another, maybe holidays or sickness, I suppose doctors do have sick days lol, anyway this doctor made me an appointment to see a man galled Gil , I went for a few weeks and sat and talked and it sort of helped but to be honest it was easier when I eventually started talking to my wife instead of bottling things up.

as the months did go by, I started finding myself again, I was sad that the months I was in my own little world I lost out on a few things, I used to tell my wife that there was a black cloud above me and it felt so good and cosy under it that I didn't want to come from under it, hence the title hello darkness my old friend.

my wife sat me down with my sister and they asked if I was ready to hear things hat had happened and I told them yes it was about time, they sat with me we had a cuppa and when they started telling me things I was in total shock, they asked me if I could remember going into the kitchen and holding a knife to their throats or driving a car way too fast, I looked at them with tears in my eyes I couldn't remember and all I could do was say sorry, now it might seem harsh what they were telling me but I needed to know, they also told me that everyone was keeping me wrapped up in a bubble, anything like debts or family problems were kept away from me, I understood what they were telling me but I must admit that I was a bit mad that they had to deal with everything, I was more mad that I had let this happen to me.

Depression is something a person cant help, it doesn't matter what kind a person has, its like it sneaks up behind you and takes over your life, I have recurrent depression so it will never go away and I will be honest I do fight it every day but I am not going to let it drag me down again, a lot more happened in between but I have dealt with it, silly things like sitting looking at a glass door and thinking mmmmmm my fist would go through there or the odd times worse but that road I have never gone down, I knew when I was alone I could pick up a phone speak to my wife and tell her what I was thinking and then it would dissolve back into my mind, I have lost out on a lot I cant remember so much of my kids but my wife told me everything so I sort of do remember.

I have always admired my wife for what she did and I am thankful that she was there, the best advice I can give to anyone is not to bottle things up, sit down and talk to someone and let them know what is going on believe me it does make you feel a lot better, it took me a long time to realise that there was ears there that would listen, it might take you a while but use them and talk to them no matter who it is.

I have been writing this down and al the way through I have said wife, I should have been saying Karen but you will have to excuse the way I write, I now have have a wonderful daughter called stevie that is like my guardian angel she kicks me up the bum when she sees me heading downwards, Karen is still there for me to chat too and all I can say is that I love who I am and I will keep fighting to be who I m and not head back down that road again, I have been to the gates of hell, I've asked the devil for a dance and showed him a few fancy steps nd I have left him practicing while I get on with my life.

as the title goes, hello darkness my old friend, its now time to say until we meet again.