Opening Bottle 2 : My Job My Depression

Hi anyone reading, Blue Fish here

From my previous post "https://steemit.com/blog/@blue.fish/opening-bottle-1-the-rise-of-my-depression" I've talked a bit about my job and how it gave birth to my friend, Depression whom I've come to term with now and accepted as my friend. I started my first job a few months after graduating high school 2 weeks before entering college, working as a sales/marketing in my cousin's company. I started my first 2 weeks working at the warehouse, following my boss meeting customers, following the delivery guy delivering things, following purchasing buying things, basically just learning things like product knowledge in the warehouse, marketing knowledge with boss, getting familiar with the road in industrial area and a lot more as the industry is not familiar to most people. The first 2 weeks felt like the longest days I've ever had, I learned a lot of things that 8 hours felt like 12 but I enjoyed it very much. After 2 weeks I was assigned my first 2 customers to visit, being me with high expectations from myself I aimed to make my first sale in my first month but failed. The first few months in my job got me very stressed, I made sales after the first month but I dealt with a lot of pressure from myself combined with the fact that working as sales I don't always have things to do, customers won't want to meet you everyday and I had few customers that time, I also felt bad staying in the office as sales should be working outside, thus I was very stressed on having nothing to do but didn't want to have nothing to do and when I have nothing to do I didn't know what to do. It may seem weird but it was very stressful driving around doing nothing just to get back to the office at around 3 to 4, I was so stressed that I had a zombie face going to college every night those few months.

Things went better afterwards, I was assigned more customers and my sales increased, my earnings increased, my expectations and goals too. Pressure of being a successful increased, coming not only from myself but also from friends and families. After working for 2 years I started losing interest and wanted to look for a new job but was dissuaded by my parents, I was told to look for a new job first before quitting and I was earning so much why would I want to quit, and I agreed. I continued working just for the sake of earning money and it didn't feel good at all, I was still full of motivation and confidence at that time but gradually decreasing as time passed by. I started to have low moods often and became lazy in doing anything, I woke up in the morning just to get back to sleep in the night but I didn't show it much or told anyone about it. As days passed I started losing interest in doing things, I no longer gave my 100% at work, I got less motivated, I started to get sad often and I could feel myself getting depressed. It felt really bad, I could feel myself falling but couldn't do anything about it, I wanted to talk to people about it bout just couldn't do it, I just don't know why I can't tell any friends or family of what I felt, I could not even post depressing quotes or pictures on instagram like other people do. I was tortured everyday and could only shout in silence and I began crying often when I'm alone, nobody understood me but they can't be blamed as I can't expect people to understand me when I kept everything to myself.

On the 3rd year working, the economy in my country started declining and the industry I worked at got hit the most, demand decreased in the industry and my sales decreased 30-50%, the only motivation I had left to work in the company is disappearing, I started earning lesser. My desire to quit grew even stronger but was still dissuaded by my parents saying I should look for other jobs first before quitting and the economy is so bad now it's not easy to look for jobs, and I agreed. My depression got worse from here, I saw my friends' career building up and my own going down, my desire to work in other industries and gaining more experience was not near to realization. I started shouting out of my lungs when I'm alone, crying more and started having suicidal thoughts, I would often want to try commit suicide not to really die but show my family and friends the pain I suffered, however it was just thoughts. I started to get more and more demotivated in life, I lost my confidence and getting more pressure from myself.

I was about to graduate from college on my 4th year of working and it was the worst time of my life, my career declined while my friends' grew, I was near graduation and I felt like I have accomplished nothing in my life. The few months before my graduation was very stressful for me, I was super depressed I started getting cutter knife placing it on my wrist thinking if I should cut my wrist with it. The stress from my own failed expectation of life and the condition I was in buried me deeper in depression, my work performance got even worse, I can no longer deal with some task I was able to easily do like explaining to customers when goods are not available or will arrive late. I started working lesser and spent working time loafing around somewhere, once a customer ordered something that was not available at that moment and I can't even tell her that the product is not available in which I asked office admin to explain to the customer, my boss knew about it and called me on my phone to ask me about it in which he said that is not usually how I handle things or do my job, so I didn't know of how to explain and started getting tear in my eyes and my voice changed like how a person's voice change when he is about to cry, my boss noticed and said it's okay I can explain when he get back to office as he was overseas at that moment. When he came back from overseas he asked me to his office and have a talk, he asked what happened and I just explained that I was very stressed on having accomplished nothing when I am about to graduate, he understood me and gave me advice and story of himself dealing with his own stress before, it was about an hour long stay in the office, I didn't tell him about my depression and the many more reasons to it but that was the closest I told someone about my suffering. However that didn't help much, my depression loved me so much by that time, it got even worse as my graduation day got closer, I started making a light cuts on my wrist but didn't cut it deep so it just left straight marks that would disappear in a day or two. I remember on my graduation day all my friends were very happy and excited while I had to force smiles on photos and act usual although the whole process was very torturing for me.

After working for 4.5 years I was finally able to quit my job with consent from my parents, I told them I am going to to start a business with a friend. I told my boss that I wanted to resign and start a business with my friend and he agreed but was very disappointed with me. My boss is my cousin and he treated me very well, grooming me, teaching me, wanting to let me start business with him as investor and a lot more, I don't have a big brother and he was the big brother to me, but everything changed when I told him I wanted to quit, his attitude towards me changed and I am very disappointed as I thought he was truly nice to me and wanted the best for me like what a big brother would do, maybe he thought I was going to start a very good business with my friend without asking him to join in, but never did he know that it was just an attempt to save myself from this depression. At that time my depression got so bad for me that I feel good making those light cuts on my wrist, I started making more cuts, more tears, more ache on my chest like the ache feeling when you are crying very sadly and your heart starts to hurt but with no tears, everything went so bad but I acted like nothing happened and still goes through life as usual in the eyes of friends and families.I felt better after I quit my job but this depression has merged into my body that it didn't take long for him to resurrect, which I will talk in another bottle opening.

The worst part of this torture is the fact that I am unable to talk about it to anyone I know, I am really not sure why but I guess it's because I didn't want to burden them and they won't be able understand my feeling. I've tried telling myself to try to talk about it to my family and friends but just never worked. I hope opening the bottles here on steemit will help me lighten up my burden and enable me to open up to my family and friends.

Thanks for reading this far
God bless

Here's a Big Brother Blue Fish