That one friend.

I used to say that you can have a guy friend.

Someone that you share your secrets with.

I had a friend. We were friends for about two years.

The first year I knew him, we've been to up and downhill together, as best friend of course.
We shared secrets
We supported each other
People started teasing us as a couple, but we were very comfortable with our status as best friend.
And, to have the kind of closest relationship with a man, is actually incredible.

We both were single at that time.
We studied together
We shared subjects together
He will walk me to my bus stop.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like his function is only to walk me home or teach me at school.
I cared for him as my best friend.
I was simply comfortable with the relationship that we had.

Maybe, if you looked deeply through my heart, maybe there was a place for him there at that time.
But, I was content with what we had and I was not asking for more.

Until that day, everyone said he has a girlfriend.
Everyone asked me about how I felt.
I have not heard about this from him.
I heard stories about this girl previously, but when I asked him, he denied it.

I tried to avoid him on that day, the next day and the day after.
I tried to be busy and when he came closer to me, I tried to talk to other people around me.
I felt that the news was true, but I wasn't ready just yet to hear it.

Why? I don't know why.

I walked myself to the bus stop.
I need to be alone. I need to think and plan my reaction when I see him the next time.
If there is next time. If I am ready to see him.

He stood there, waiting at my bus stop.
Of course, he knew exactly when my bus arrives.

I waved and smiled.

'Hi. how are you? I have been trying to look for you for a few days now.' He started the conversation.

'I'm good, I've been busy, with assignments, part time job' I replied

Pause.

We did not say anything, it was silent for a moment.

'I heard you are together with Stella now, congratulation!' I tried to break the silence between us.

'Sorry, I did not tell you sooner. It happened really quick. By the time I know it, everyone started to talk about it.' He tried to explain.

I did not want to hear his explanation.
My body shook. I could felt my heart aching.
I wish my bus will arrive sooner.

'Are you ok with it? Nothing will change about us. I will still be your best friend.' He smiled.

I could feel my eyes burst into tears and all the pain weakened my body.
The next thing I knew, I hugged him, tightly.
I knew that my brain was not functioning. My heart was in control.
'One minute' I said. 'Give me one minute just to stay like this'.

I could feel my whole body was shaking.

'I am happy for you, I do, but being your best friend and all, it just happened. I swore I never wanted to ruin our friendship. But, each day that I spent with you, I just craved for more. And for everything about you, how can I not fall in love with someone who has the power to comfort me for just being there for me.'

He hugged me tightly until I could not breathe. I have lost my ability to speak, so I decided not to say anything.

Did he feel the same towards me at that time?

I don't know and I don't want to know.

Today, if you ask me if we are still friend. I'm not sure.

We left each other three years ago. We stopped talking. We stopped trying to talk.

So, it's true what they say. A man and a woman will just never stay as best friends.
They eventually will fall for each other. Maybe temporary, maybe forever.

In my case, maybe it's too late.