A Brush With Life And Death - My Tim Horton's Regular Coffee Review

Coffee is one of the most traded commodities around the world, and most adults can’t perform basic functions without it! Indeed, coffee is the lubricant that keeps the mechanisms of civilization from grinding to a halt, but I have a confession to make: I don’t drink coffee.

Before you get the wrong idea, it’s not because I’m some sort of social pariah who looks down on things that bring joy to others! It’s just that every time I try to drink coffee, it’s too hot! Waiting for it to cool down takes too much time, and I always end up hurling my beverage at the ground in frustration before I can drink it. But not this time, because I am a professional with a job to do.

I asked what a coffee novice should have, and the knowledgable Tim Hortons cashier suggested the mid-sized coffee with a regular arrangement of sugar and cream. This sounded sensible! Little did I know that this cashier was an absolute maniac! A quarter of the way into my coffee, I became positive that I was immediately going to die. My heart was palpitating and I had become drenched in sweat. I was no longer capable of smooth fluid movements, becoming more hummingbird than man in my mannerisms. Reality itself seemed to be vibrating at a discordant tone- I felt the desperate urge to escape. I made it through the first barrage of suicidal thoughts, and past the flurry of homicidal urges only to foolishly continue drinking my hellish elixir. No matter how deep I plunged into my personal hell, the desire to finish my beverage was constant. I was secreting a cloud of pheromones so thick I struggled to see through it. I managed to find a bathroom stall whose toilet will never recover from the horrors I inflicted upon it. My gender became as fluid as my stool, and I fluctuated from one end of the spectrum and back, over and over, making a mess of my local Tim Horton’s as I ran from one bathroom to the other.

In a stroke of luck I managed to find some meth, which calmed me down and steadied my hand to the point where I could finish my coffee. Before I had a chance to put my clothes back on, I was told I would have to leave. Without hesitation I politely jumped through a large glass window and ran to the library, and here we are.

All in all, if you’re looking for that little extra kick to get your day started, or you’re mildly fatigued and don’t know what else to do, then you could do much worse than a Medium Regular Coffee from Tim Hortons! Try it today!

10/10