life is almost good - The D Word

No, not that one.

Depression.

I’ve struggled with depression for a very long time.

Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse. But it’s always there.

Yes, I’m on meds. Yes, I’ve tried essential oils. Yes, I’ve tried exercise. Yes, I’ve altered my diet more times than I can count. I’ve tried journaling. I’ve tried getting outside more. Sometimes I’m alright. Sometimes I can get out of bed and live my life like a normal person. Sometimes I can’t.

I constantly doubt my skills. I doubt my friendships. I doubt my intellect. I doubt my looks. I doubt my cooking. I doubt everything about myself. All day long, every single day of the week, every week of the month and every month of the year. Sleep doesn’t help that kind of exhaustion.

Even so, I’ll do anything for my family and friends. I’ll do anything for my children or my husband. I’ll get up and do what I have to do 9 times out of 10. It takes a million times more effort than most people but I will do it because I have to. I am suffering through everything a good 90% of the time, but I do it. I keep going when I can. There are days I can’t. There are many times I am in bed or on the couch and I can’t move for hours for no particular reason other than I just can’t.

If you are reading this and thinking “wow, she’s dramatic.” Or “attention starved.” Please understand that I’m not. Please know that your judgement is sometimes what causes people like me to go into these ruts and dig ourselves even further into depression. Just remove me from your life and leave me be.

Please don’t ask me why I’m always sick, or ask me why I don’t go to the doctor or ask me if I take a multivitamin or to try your diet. It just reminds me of how much I fail to be like “normal people”. I go to the doctor. I take two different vitamins. Most of the time these things do wonders for me! I’m constantly researching and doing things to better myself. Unless you struggle with this also, I don’t want to hear your advice. If you were diabetic, would you take advice from someone who knows nothing about diabetes? It’s the same thing. Please don’t take offense to it.

Going to church is not the answer for me. I’m sorry. I know that will disappoint some of my friends and family, but I’ve tried that too. It isn’t for me and I don’t expect you to understand that. It just creates more expectations that I fail to meet and that makes it so much harder. Please know that I love you and support you and am always praying for you and praising Our Creator in my own way.

Please don’t think I must be lying because you hung out with me a few weeks ago or talked to me at work and seemed happy and fine. I hide it well most of the time. That’s all part of depression.

Please don’t treat me differently from now on. I’ve always been this way. Always. Nothing about me is different now from when you last saw me. I’m not less of a person because I have decided to come forth and be honest about my struggle with depression. I’m not broken or sick. It’s not contagious. You don’t need to ask me if I’m ok. I am. If I’m not, the right people will know. I have my crew and we take spectacular care of one another.

There are so many things that have made me this person. My childhood, military life, relationships (friends, family or otherwise), R’s health issues and struggles at birth. Self-esteem issues. Secondary infertility. I could go on and on with reasons I am this way.

Please know that I’m not crying out for pity. I don’t want people to tell me they’re sorry or offer me help or yet another type of coping mechanism. I just want you to love me and understand me.

Please know that I am an amazing mother despite my illness. If there’s one thing I’m confident about, it’s that. There’s no need for you to worry about my family. My kids are my life. They have no clue that I struggle with this. I am who I need to be for them and they are happy children with everything they need, including a mother who plays with them, reads with them, talks with them, takes them to their activities and is their biggest fan 100% of the time. They are my world.

Please know that my husband is an absolute saint. He is my rock. He is everything to me. He supports, loves and understands me better than anybody else ever could. He gets me through my darkest times and then goes on like it never happened. He never treats me like I’m broken or holds it over my head. He makes me better and I’ll always be grateful to him for that. We are the definition of #goals and we know it!

I can L.O.V.E. life despite this struggle. I often look around me and am in awe of the beauty that surrounds me. I am sometimes the life of the party! I love deeply and I laugh all the time. My life is beautiful and I am grateful for all that we have. We work hard to have a nice home and nice things. We take none of it for granted. We have incredible friends and family that make life so much sweeter!

I am strong. I am able to post this for all to see because I have been ashamed of many things, but I refuse to feel ashamed for bringing more attention to this disease. This disease took my brother in law just a few months ago. This disease took my friend’s brother many years ago and I’ll never forget it or the impact it made in her life.

If you know someone else who struggles with depression, hug them. Tell them they matter. Tell them you understand them and that you don’t judge them. Do something kind for them. Go out of your way to make someone’s day. Chances are it will make yours too.

If you have taken the time to read this I thank you and appreciate you. I hope it shed a little more light on something that has been made out to be wrong or shameful. If you struggle with depression, please know that you can tell me all about it. Please know that I will go through it with you and be by your side when you need me to. Nobody should go through this alone. Nobody.

I am Lindee, and I have depression.

Do you struggle with depression?

– L –