Battles

We all go through it. We have the side of ourselves we choose to portray and the side we don't show anyone. Not that any of you know me but i feel like the ones that do know me don't really know me. The way I present myself is the happy mom nothing can go wrong. Deep down I'm spiraling out of control and i can't stop it. I can't control my feelings toward people or even toward myself. Im filled with negativity, jealousy, envy. Though there are times that I am truly happy for people. Then i think maybe I'm crazy or I try to hard. I have a boyfriend and constantly I think to myself does he love me? How could he love someone like me? When there are so many beautiful women out there not that I am an ugly person.I guess since every other relationship went to shit I am afraid where this one will go. I love my kids but I am so tired all the time. I became a mom so young I was so selfishly thinking. Having kids because they would always be there no matter what and they would truly love me and I them. Lord they don't come with instructions. Everyone says what you should and shouldn't do with them and they all contradict themselves. I didn't know what I was in for having them so close together. my older 2 daughters was with my first marriage (technically still married). He doesn't want to divorce me. Makes it hard and expensive I can't afford this shit. I can't even afford life. He has nothing to do with them now. I used to call him for their birthdays asking what he is forgetting. I gave up on trying to keep them in touch a few years ago and haven't really heard much since. They get so confused about life I feel like I fail them everyday. The oldest is so sensitive if you look at her she gets upset like you offended her. The second one acts out terribly although getting better she's taught me a lot. To others the things she does is funny but they are things she can't control. She gets an idea then runs with it. Who knew you could get detention, in school suspension, suspension from the bus, and threatened with out of school suspension all in one year... The year of Kindergarten!! So she's repeating it has an aide this year and did a complete turn around which I'm so happy for. then theres the third child had her with an ex we get along just fine coparenting easy he has her 3 days a week no complaints. He spoils her so when she comes home she is a little bratty. Then the baby with my current boyfriend. I tend to give her more attention I admit, she is also my last baby. I refuse to have more. I have my hands full here. Then I work I own a cleaning company. It is such a struggle I don't know why I keep going with it. I lose money on jobs. I pay the girls and end up with nothing. I want to take my girls on vacation to disney, but I can't even make enough to pay my bills . I see on social media the dream i wanted for myself happening for my friends. Yes I am happy for them but inside I'm screaming that should be me. Then I become embarrassed and afraid to even try to take the steps because I feel I am destined for failure in any turn I take. Constantly trying to get the acceptance of others when I can't even accept myself. How did I get this lost? How do I bring myself back? I Don't know wether I am coming or going. I don't want to do anything. If I could sleep my life away I would. Is it me? How many other people battle themselves?