Power Dynamics in Relationships

Today I think I will write about power dynamics and how they are often distorted in even the kinkiest relationships.

I have written about this in several stories, I was very gentle with Little Shiva, as I was talking from a more emotional standpoint and for some reason the stories wrote themselves for him. I had very little to do with it, it just poured out. Likewise the chair, whilst a ton of work, is not taking up much in the way of struggle space.

It was also interesting to see Little Shiva’s different voices when dealing with different people. My priority early in life was always work, so I think I see things in a very fluent and consistent way across different parts of my life. Little Shiva was apparently unusually coherent with me, yet wildly inconsistent with everything else, including work and, as it turned out, his actual relationships.

When it comes to power play, the BDSM community are probably the best at expressing fluidity.

As I mentioned in Best Sex Study Ever submissives are often the bossiest partner. They largely dictate the direction they want things to go in for their chosen relationship, and the dominant partner is then tasked with carrying them out.

Obviously people vary in intensity with how far they want things to go, some people just want to play out some book they have read, such as the unreadable 50 shades stories, and they aren’t really considering the consequences for the rest of their relationship – perhaps it doesn’t actually matter to them.

Cultural differences can also cause confusion. Other countries are often far healthier in terms of hormone levels, and this also makes a difference. The rapid decline in sperm count in Western countries, which we are supposed to take as being a mystery, has accompanied the feminism that has brought us part of the way towards some idea of equality.

So, looking at these things together, what happens when one partner is role playing for sexual reasons, whilst the other has a set of beliefs that mean subservience is assumed? What does it do to the respective partners, and is this relationship situation ever going to resolve itself?

I had a chat with a former Arab friend about this quite recently. He insisted his culture demanded that people adapt to suit him, and I was quick to assure him that since he lived in Scotland, it was not other people that had to adapt. He suggested at one point that women have too much power in Western society, that it was male responsibility to ‘take care’ of women.

This assumption, that women have no control over their behaviour, no opinions and could be written off as simply crazy for acting exactly like a normal thinking human, was what prevented women from voting for several centuries. It is far from progressive and quite shocking. The individual concerned was making use of this to manipulate his relationships with women far further than intended, largely due to a combination of insecurity and disrespect for other people generally.

I have now heard numerous stories of Scottish-Arab failed marriages, and my comment is usually along the lines of – yeah I’m sure the sex is great for a while, but I don’t see how assumed dominance in men (Arab) is going to go with angry warrior women. (Scotland) It is a disaster waiting to happen for all sorts of reasons, the main one being that the role playing has a completely different meaning for each partner involved.

In one recent case, the picture became so distorted that the only way of resolving the situation was to reject it. No discussion was possible.

The answer to this is obviously one of communication, but when you are dealing with a brick wall of posturing and contempt, communication is no longer likely.

I think what this example that I am very loosely referring to shows is that romance and long term relationships are separated where no compromise can be reached – people who keep the romance in their relationship have a far better chance of survival because the give and take elements are more pronounced.

This is not something that is easy to pull off once people get into a routine. Arguing over the dishes just isn’t terribly sexy unless you choose to make it so. It is made even less likely when one partner sees no reason not to assume that his idea of roles is static. You cannot argue with static ideas, therefore no compromise is possible.

Personally, I would not choose to engage in such a situation but for those that do, it is very important to establish boundaries early on and stick to them, rather than entertain the all or nothing approach, which is basically a power grab by one partner or the other. A more strategic approach is necessary to avoid the time consuming and expensive business of failure.