Oh my. Oh my.
This brought me to tears. I am so glad you're writing it out. I want to go and wrap my arms around the little-girl-you and give her a hug and give her all the love and sweetness she deserves. It's so heartbreaking how children are treated by some parents.
You've done a really nice job of talking about your mother in a non-blaming way. She probably did the best she could, the best she knew, as you explained. Given that she had her own distant and/or abusive upbringing, how would she possibly have the tools to give you the love and attention you deserved?
I relate to this post so much. My parents were never physically abusive, thank heavens, and they stayed together until the end of their lives. But it has taken me a lifetime (well... so far...) to try to come to terms with the emotional distance and abuse. And I think your situation was so much worse. I'm trying to even wrap my head around that, and how someone can even begin to recover.
We humans are incredibly resilient. I wish you well on your journey.
Thank you, Jayna. My mother, sadly, did face quite a bit of blame in later years. Our relationship has been strained for over a year and much of that relates to this story, but also to other things she did and said during my upbringing. BUT, I do have some understanding that she also came from a broken home and suffered great abuses at the hands of her parents. She is culpable in so many ways, but we are slowly trying to bridge our great divide and build something resembling a relationship.
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That cannot be easy. Good luck! I really tried with my mother, too. I wasn't able to succeed in her lifetime, unfortunately. She was too threatened by any approach I tried, as they involved actual two-way communication. But I still talk to her, and hope she hears my forgiveness and hope.
I hope you succeed! All you can do is try.
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