I can feel the smile begin to crack through my lips.
The more I fight it the more powerful it becomes.
I stare at the floor to conceal the momentary lapse in my composure.
Fuck these kids crack me up.
Strangely, the act of concealing the purity of my own emotion makes something inside me yearn to exaggerate the expression. There are people around me and I want to connect with them and what better way than to share in the joy and the hilarity of childhood innocence?
But I am an adult and I am mature.
Such an act as laughing could be perceived as juvenile or even as a sort of violence.
I have an identity to maintain.
I peek over at the woman across from me.
Briefly we make eye contact and I give her a quick smile.
Let’s just silently acknowledge what just happened and what was said. Then we can move on.
My smile destroys the composure that she was fighting so hard to maintain.
A soft chuckle escapes her throat and she averts her eyes.
Embarrassed.
I look back at the floor briefly.
What a beautiful fucking moment.
I look up once again, confidently surfacing with renewed strength.
Let’s get this show on the road.
That was really moving. I will just say that the reality is that no one is ever really scrutinising you as critically as you are judging yourself. That thought really helps me cope with the image I project and the occasional embarrassment. If a stranger laughed at your joke while eavesdropping on a conversation, I doubt you would think about it much longer than 30 seconds. If anything I'd personally find it endearing
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Thanks for the comment. Yes, I agree. We are often our own worst critic.
I wrote this post ambiguously so that people could form their own interpretations. It seems that you interpreted it differently then I would have expected - which is great.
In this moment we were both experiencing the same exact thing within our own minds. She was fighting not to laugh at something that a strangers child had said, just as I was and presumably for the same reasons. Me making eye contact with her, broke the composure that she was struggling with and she looked away embarrassed. It was beautiful because we connected briefly by having the same experience. Her laugh also relieved her vulnerability or maybe her humanity, which people tend to hide. This added to the impact of the moment.
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