These days I frequently ask myself, "how did I get here?" Of course, I got here not by accident, however, it was not entirely intentional.
This began as a self-discovery journey through postpartum depression that crept upon me with my first and then again with my second child less than two years apart. You see, women PUSH through circumstances without fully recovering or understanding what the hell happened along the way.
I know how I got through my first postpartum experience, I PUSHED through to complete my undergrad degree in hopes to quickly pursue my masters as a nurse practitioner. I threw myself into work, school, and motherhood in an attempt to find a version of myself somewhere inside. Instead, I found myself on the other side of the depression and had an accomplishment to go with it. Hurrah, a degree! Okay, so I got through it. How was I? I have no idea. I didn't deal.
I PUSHED. My marriage was PUSHED and in looking back, it was not a therapeutic or gentle transition into motherhood for me, or for my family. It was absolutely beautiful, don't get me wrong. I was happy. Everything looked great from the outside and I (mostly) had it all. BUT, I did not find the deep soulful connection that a women hopes to experience when incorporating motherhood into her previous self. Also, you can be happy and very sad at the same time (thanks, hormones).
Fast forward to next pregnancy within a year of giving birth to my first, and then having my second child. All was very well and overwhelmingly beautiful. Again, there was an illusion that things were all good until things were NOT. I don't know if it's the hormones of pregnancy, breastfeeding, adrenaline, delirium, or what, but when things are NOT okay, it hits HARD and FAST.
My second postpartum experience was different than the first because I didn't have any solid distractions to turn to except ideal perfectionism, obsessive organization/cleaning, and the illusion that I had it all together; meanwhile, I would put my kids to bed (on time by the moment) to give myself an allowance to have time to myself and too much wine and then hopefully, rest. That was my reward and punishment for getting through the days of diapers, meals, cleaning and being a servant. Wine was good in the moment, but it hurts more than helps of course. I know this; I knew it then and I know it now.
I DID have it together, I am a good mom, wife, and everyone and everything is very well cared for. When I speak about my case, I know that it is minor compared to what some women go through.
I went to the OB and she prescribed me some anti-depressants after I laid my case out for her. It was my only hope at that point because I felt stuck and it was self-limiting. I took the meds for two days and felt incapable of anything... the house could have burst into flames and I would have been mellow yellow. I made a decision there and then that I would get myself together without traditional medication. I tried alternative medicine and testing through a non-traditional MD and that went nowhere for me either, except with less dough in the bank.
I needed support, healing, and techniques to stop feeling so bad, to erase the hurt, and to find myself amid the role of motherhood. I had been to counseling many times, and none of those times did I come out with actual tools that aided my situation. Counseling did, however, go over the monotonous issue over and over and over again and on repeat each week until I got sick of talking about the problem. That was my experience. I know some benefit from traditional counseling and require medications for diagnosis and not to knock or judge, however, I did not. I had also been on anti-depressants in the past when dealing with situational depression and anxiety related to a failed marriage in my twenties and total life restructure thereafter. I similarly PUSHED through that and ended up foggy (from the meds and wine)... on the other side wondering how I got through.
Women PUSH through, time and time again. Deep down, I already knew what I needed, it is the hard headed, self-sabotage of the ego that didn't want me to succeed. I heard all the failure stories I told myself and the ... 'this is how motherhood is' from mothers and women who have had similar issues and they found it okay or legit to PUSH through without examining what was wrong, and how to fix it. NO, that is not OKAY.
A few months later, I found a urge to heal myself thoroughly, not just PUSH through but to really get right. I found a podcast (Mom Is In Control with Heather Chauvin) that resonated with me and gave me motivation to find what I NEEDED in life. Imagine that... to put yourself FIRST in order to be the real light for others. That was a new concept for me.
A few months later, I stumbled across a course program for coaching and healing and I was whole heartedly CALLED to sign up. And on a whim, I dove in just before the class was to start. A few weeks after that I found out our family will grow again with our third child. Looking back, the whirlwind from the past few years has uprooted what I thought I knew about life and dropped me into a new existence. Looking forward, the future is BURNING with passion and LIGHT that is leading me into a new way of being and into a new business.
That is what lead me here. Thanks, postpartum depression for opening me up to unhappiness so I could be lead into the BEAUTY that is all around me. I know that I am meant to share the soulful process with my sisters and I fully intend to give you all the tools and healing that I have found in my exploration.
I have a lot of growing left to do, but I have so much love and healing to offer, I cannot let a moment slip away without letting my light shine on.
Much love,
Colleen