The Process of Becoming Real

It’s so weird. I had to search for a photo to go along with the quote from “Daring Greatly” that I shared yesterday. I had to search HARD. I don’t have all that many photos, proportionally, in my stash of photo stock that depict bravery, openness, or joy. Photos that are attractive, beautiful, or maybe brave in their open sexuality? Yes, I have lots of those. Coy? Yes...I can do coy all damn day. Most of the photos I have are somewhat coy. A sexy pose and one eye peeking through my hair that hides my face? Yah baby, I’ve played that look for 20 years.

But looking the camera square in the eye unhidden? I have very few shots like this. You say, “well just go take some pictures!” But here’s the thing - I’m not sure I even know how to do that look. That is not the role I have been playing the last 20 years. Holding my ground bravely and openly is a new phase in my life experience, and I’m just learning how to match my outside with my trued up inside.

It’s so weird when you don’t have many images of yourself that match up with who you think you now are. I am less experienced in emoting “brave”. That camera comes out and sexy, shy girl lights up! Coy, mixed body signals, feet turned towards the lens, but knees pulled back and together.

As if to say, “I long for you, but I can’t...something inside me holds it back a little bit.” 👈🏽 this is how I operated for 20 years. This is the role I’ve mastered for photos, and there will always be a little bit of that shy, coy unsure girl in me. But she is not the entirety of who I am any longer.

It’s a funny thing with my pictures. You can look back and with hindsight see the evolution of “me.” My wise friend Amy pointed out that our face represents our identity. And over the years I’ve shown more and more of my face as I’ve become more and more comfortable with who I really am on the inside. My earliest photos were often just a scantily clad beautiful body with a mop of hair completely obscuring the face.

Exposed, but with complete anonymity of my “identity.” Occasionally I would peek 1 eye out from behind my arm or my hair unconsciously reflecting “I see you” and “here ya go...you can see a little more of me.”

But over the years and via different photo blogs that I’ve had... Flickr, Wordpress, now Instagram and Steemit... I’ve worked towards first building up and then dismantling the barricades I’d built around myself for safety so the real me can be seen, heard and breathe.

It’s all part of the process of becoming real.

Edit - pc @sean-king Mostly with a Nikon camera