Blog 6: I Failed!

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Guys today I want to share something a little more personal. I've been sitting at my desk with my face in the palm of my hands. I begin to recollect on thoughts of my past. Places in my life where I was at an all time low. As I sit here I can't help the urge to want to talk about why I failed back then and why I'm struggling to overcome it now.

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Way earlier when I first started on steemit, not that long ago to be honest. I posted a blog about combating normlessness. You can read it here, here.

Today has been one of those days again. I'm not being productive in a meaningful way, things are just kind of ordinary and I suppose this relates to my last post because it highlights a state of mind which people can fall into. What I've fallen into today.

It's a real shitty feeling, and sometimes I can't help but feel the way I do. But I've sort of accepted that there will be days like this and for the most part I think it helps in it's own way.

You might be thinking what the heck was I talking about in regards to failing?

Lets take a trip down memory lane for a moment. Growing up in school I wasn't the most popular kid, in fact I had a reputation amongst a lot of people, and not the good kind either. I didn't know then how to deal with bullies and slew of other social situations.

I don't want to make this post about bullying but perhaps I might do a post later on, we'll see.

I wasn't the popular kid, so what gives? Well something happened and that was the opportunity to start a whole new life elsewhere. You might be able to relate, my family at the time got the opportunity to move away and start over. Well perhaps not a complete do-over, but for me it was a god-sent miracle even if I didn't completely understand the circumstances of the time. Which I didn't.

Nonetheless I was extremely excited to be moving, moving to a whole new state.

In order to understand further I need to explain some important details about myself. I've never been good at social encounters. This may have been obvious though given I brought up the subject of being bullied. Needless to say it was a serious problem for me.

There were many circumstances where I didn't fit into the group norm during my adolescent years. It was difficult for me to relate to other kids as I didn't share any interests with the peers around me. This inevitably created a lot of issues for me with anyone I tried to get along with.

To top it off, the things that made me different weren't perceived well by others which resulted in many bloody noses and being ostracized from groups.

I'm recounting these memories right now as I type this out to you guys because it is a constant reminder to me of how far I've come since then. I've had the opportunity to recreate myself, to improve, to be the better version of me, and beyond.

Honestly I'm struggling to put my experiences and thoughts into details so that it can be digested. I guess you could say that I achieved my goal, but with a price. There are significant things that changed for me when the moving transition took place. I made it a goal to seek out new friendships. I did everything possible to appeal to the "norm". Even if it meant being a crowd follower.

I did all these things because I was so desperate to have some kind of sense of belonging. I know now it was so much more then that. It was a deeper desire to have what I perceived as a more normal life.

The reality is though that life really sucks. And as much as I love to pretend to be an optimist which without blanketing it like I am now you probably wouldn't know otherwise. Okay maybe I'm being too hard on myself, still ultimately there are fundamental parts of my personality that not even I can ignore.

Here's the deal. I failed. My desire to be a better person was lead by things that weren't really that important. Now, I cannot, and still cannot come to terms with whether I regret my past decisions. I truly do try to not live with regret and will always somehow come to some sort of conclusion as to why those decisions influenced how I am today.

For the most part, isn't that how we grow as individuals, we learn from our mistakes and success? I like to think that is how it works.

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I'm not satisfied though...

We have all failed, sometimes our worst critiques are ourselves and I know this all too well. But I'm not satisfied. Something has broken within me and I'm unsure how to put the pieces back together. I still want to be the best version of myself and also retain those fundamental core aspects that make me who I am.

In my circumstance being an introvert is extremely important. I don't have to deal with people, I can be perfectly content with as much me time as possible. Then there's the flip side. No matter how insignificant and small, humans do need some sort of social interaction.

It gets complicated because much of our world and life in general is built around interaction and collaboration with people. Be it a work environment, school, technical field, government, etc. It's something you can't ever truly escape. But it can get easier!

It has! I've seen a great deal of change within me in to make more of an effort to get myself out from under my shell. But it's still very hard, harder now then in my recent past and there are reasons for it. Something I may share later, who knows...

I have failed to make more of an effort to work on me. It's extremely easy to sink back into regular habits and focus sully on what you're comfortable with. I truly struggle with it.

I believe its very important to be able to identify these kinds of hiccups. Something is holding you down, or preventing you from moving forward, you need to figure out why. Don't just let that thing be because before you know it, a lot of time will pass by.

And the last thing you want to deal with is not having the time to make the necessary changes to live a fulfilling life.

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Okay guys, that about wraps up what I needed to get off my chest. Not sure if these kind of posts are useful so please let me know in the comments section your thoughts, your experiences, and stories. I really want to hear them!

_{I'll see you guys soon!}