Boundaries and Forgiveness: One in the Expense of the Other?

Boundaries and Forgiveness: One in the Expense of the Other? By Jim Rohn, author of "The Secret: Creating Your Life Full of Bold, Effective and Exciting Secrets," gives us this classic quote: "Do what you must and not what you want." That's a good lesson for anyone who is struggling with a self-destructive behavior pattern, whether it be compulsive overeating compulsive lying or habitual laziness. He also teaches us that if we are bound by someone else's rules or beliefs, we are at our weakest and most vulnerable. "Forgiveness is the key to true freedom."

I agree that sometimes rules must be set aside for the benefit of others. I also recognize that some people need to be taught how to set those rules so they will follow them. Sometimes I wonder if it is OK to be bound by other people's rules, because I have seen how hard it is to do one's own. Is there really such a thing as too much rule-making?

It is true that many of us were not born to be leaders. Many of us were not born to be servants. But people act as if leaders and servants are the same thing. In truth, though, leadership is usually a very special kind of servant-it takes an incredible amount of sacrifice and suffering to become a leader. Serving can be painful, of course, but it is no more destructive to the soul than is constant servitude.

Servants depend on their owners to provide for their basic needs and to protect them from harsh environments. Leaders depend on their followers to help create policies, enforce policies, manage relationships, plan strategies and keep the organization moving toward its goals. Leaders are not exempt from making mistakes. They cannot avoid all mistakes, but they can learn from them and improve their behavior in the future. People will always criticize, but it is there - ours - job to learn from our mistakes and not pass judgment on them until we have fully analyzed them and all alternatives have been considered.

Boundaries are important because they set people's behavior patterns. If you break one of your own, there will almost certainly be a series of consequences. The most common consequences people experience when they violate a boundary are withdrawal and resistance. Boundaries help people recognize and control their own behaviors.

If you are a manager, teacher, coach or leader, don't ignore the importance of boundaries. Don't think that people will understand if you do not set these boundaries. Boundaries can help keep people on track, help you communicate your expectations and help you evaluate your behavior and reactions before you decide to take action. Boundaries can prevent a great deal of unnecessary stress and conflict and, in the long run, keep your work and life balanced and flowing smoothly.