[photo from google]
When I was at the age of Six, I always ask my Mom like..."Mom, when will I see dad?""Mom, why is that not here?""Mom, I want to see dad, can I see him? But every questions wasn't answered by my mother...she choose to ignore it and change the topic or make me do something else that asking her.
I haven't even had a chance to see him...even just in photos...
Sometimes I'm loosing hope and can't help but to feel sad...seeing my friends being carried by their own father, it makes me jealous and insecure.
I turned seven and my Mom met someone new and they got married...
The guy was not that nice but he's very responsible...but I still don't like him, knowing he is not my biological father.Months have past and I was turning eight in a few months when my grandmother died.
Me and my grandmother are close. She's more like a mother to me, well, my mom also takes care of me but didn't care about me emotionally...not like my grandma, I can talk to her about the kids who bullies me, the kids who hurt me, and my emotions...
I don't know if I should be happy or sad when she died. It's just...that day...I met my father. My biological father.
At first I was hesitating if I should hug him or talk to him...but he just keeled down and spread his arms in front of me like open for a hug.
That time...I don't know but I just run to him and hug him. I felt safe, loved and secure.
After that, we kept seeing each other over years although, my step father is against it. He hates my father. Sometimes when he calls, my step father always says that I should not answer it or say such things that really hit me so hard in the heart.
Every birthday that I have...it didn't make me happy...it made me feel worst and wish that I didn't exist. Every time my birthday comes, my father would contact me or even get in touch with me to give a gift, my step father would say such things about me and my father and even hurt me sometimes...and it kept on going over the years.
Now I'm a teenager, I kept questioning myself and my life. Kept on thinking negative thoughts and even suicidal things.
"It kept on going on and on...never ending. Shit words here. Shit words there."
"Why does it have to be me?"
"Can't I just live the life that I want?"
"If only my biological father didn't left us. Our life wouldn't be like this. fuck that."
"Is it really all my fault?"
"I wish I didn't exist "
"What if i leave and live my life somewhere I belong?"
"I'm hopeless..."
"I cannot be saved..."
"What if I die, will they want me back?"
Mom...Dad...please...hear me out! Can't you see you're losing me.
Hello @xyshia,
first of all, thank you so much for your courage to post such an intimate and emotional part of your life. It is heartbreaking what you had and have to go through.
From what I gather, you are suffering miserably around your mother and step father, but it doesn't seem like you have big problems with your biological father. Would it be possible to live with your father or grandmother until you are old enough and can afford to move out?
I would hate to know, that you had to continue down this painful and heartbreaking path.....
Sadly it seems your mom, doesn't truely see you right now. But you should never EVER feel like it's your fault. I have also been in that position of blaming myself because of other circumstances, but the decisions your parents make, are never your fault.
There was nothing you could have done to change the outcome or cause the outcome, so please do not blame yourself. And from what you write, your biological father never blamed you, else he would probably not try to contact you or give you gifts.
I can understand the self doubt you are going through right now, while blaming yourself. But I think those feelings come from how your mother and step father treat you. We can try to be strong, but if someone shows you certain negative emotions or continues to tell you the same bad things about yourself over and over again, it will affect us.
Please do not think that you have any fault, because you do not. ...
I know I am just a stranger on the internet, but please feel hugged, you are very strong for enduring for so long! I have a lot of respect for your strength. Don't give up and don't slip away!
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