Thoughts from a Bavarian train | About self sabotage

I'm a bit hangover, and more than a bit tired. I knew I had to be at Salzburg's Hauptbahnhof at 5:45 am to take the train to the Munich Airport and still, I had some beers and played cards until 1 am. I don't feel tired per se, I'm just zombified. A very conscious zombie though. Sort of like a zombie from 28 days later or world war Z, not like one from the walking dead or Dawn of the dead. You get the point. I feel dead inside but I'm fully above operational average on the outside.

Maybe I'm a masochist, or perhaps I just enjoy it when things are hard, when it seems like it's really costing me something to get anything, otherwise the victory or consequences have no real taste or flavor.

I have an anecdote to exemplify this. I mean, out of a lot of similar circumstances during my life I think this has become the norm for me. Back in 2015 I played a championship game in a game that is a mix the of rugby and football. We were ahead for around 5 scores mainly because of me, it was a piece of cake, we were already winners. And then it started to feel tasteless for me. Did we really played that good? Are we truly so much superior than the second best team in the league? That can't be right. The season's peak felt overrated; my whole season felt like a sham. So I decided to start playing bad and take a few hits and make some mistakes that allowed the game to be tied with 2 minutes remaining. I know, it sounds stupid. But it was only then when I felt the thrill, that chilly sensation down your neck and into your spine. It was only then when the victory would taste good. When it's on the verge of falling, on the line of positive and negative, in between a happy afternoon or a week of sorrow.

We won. Of course. Last minute obviously. Just the way I like it. Exactly the way it tastes the best; the victory, that is.

And that has been pretty much the norm for me since I'm like 14. It seems like I autosabotage so much just for the thrills of it and so far it has costed me a lot, especially because not every time I take calculated risks, I end up with the upper hand.

But see, this is when a woman is important, at least for me. Not that I don't consider women important or any feminist idea you can get out of this. Let's just say that for the sake of my post, I'm not gonna mention every other situation where women are important, but just this one in particular.

This is why having a woman in my life is important. And exactly why I haven't had one in around 5 years. Women provise a cautious approach to any situation, they give you a feet on the ground attitude, their general mindset is specifically built for making a man less of a cave troll, and more of a sapient man.

I mean, I saw that first hand. I have only had one real girlfriend and it lasted three years. In 3 years she was such a good influence that I changed jobs and started earning a lot more; I finished (actually started and finished) my college degree; I stopped drinking 4 times a week and changed it to 2-4 times a month; I started my own business on the side and a lot more things. Long story short, I became a better version of myself. Maybe not the best one, but still a very good one.

I think that one of the reasons this happened is because - apart from other stuff -, she slayed my thrill seeking vice, she vanished my adrenaline addiction that made me sabotage myself just for shits and giggles, and then while giggling, solve the situation.

Suddenly I wasn't late to any appointment. I made all my work deadlines. I delivered on time every uni assignment etc, etc.

But not everything was positive. Life became a little dull, especially for someone who like drift everywhere. That's why my brother calls my general behaviour. Drift. Like on a skateboard. According to him, I don't like taking the bus in time and then walking calmly to my destination. I prefer to go out late, skate to my destination and arrive sweating, stressed and drifting on my skateboard. I have never skateboarded but I think that's accurate, I live and love drifting everywhere, figure of speech, I guess.

But not today. I set my alarm for 5:15. The girl I'm with in Salzburg didn't say anything about it but she set hers at 5. And then pretty much rushed me into leaving the apartment at 5:20. I was planning on leaving at 5:35 because the hauptbahnhof is 5 minutes from her place. But she won the mini-argument. I left earlier and on a taxi, not a bus like I was planning.

Eventually I reached the train station, 15 minutes early. I was a bit pissed, those were 15 minutes I could've slept or spent with her or whatever. It's dull to arrive early. It's lame to be there 15 minutes early. There's no adrenaline rush in that, it's just a nice, safe process with no climax or peak. And yet, it's the right way. I know this because I spent around 8 minutes trying to find out what ticket I should buy and where to change trains etc. I got to my train around 2 minutes before it left.

If it hadn't been for that woman and her push, I would've lost the train, which in turn would've make me lose my flight, which in turn would screw with my Visa arrangements and legal time in Europe, thus banning me from entering the Schengen area for one year. I mean yeah, I could just buy another plane ticket but I'm being overly dramatic so my points comes across and you get the idea.

So now I'm on my train, writing about my thoughts, and my auto sabotage, and how I'm a better version of myself thanks to good influences in my life, and exactly how boring it is. But in the end, it's right.

I'm arriving in a couple of minutes in the airport, so I have to wrap up this post, I hope you liked reading it :)