A Very Merry Unbirthday....Part 1.

Who me? Yes you!

Going through life you are always finding that its ups and downs. A lot of times, it'll be a rapid succession of up's and BOOM! a major down. One of those downs that just rocks you to your core. That's exactly what I had happen back in 2000

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

When you're 21, most don't worry to much about the future. It's such an exciting time in your life. You just make plans for your day, maybe work, maybe a hike with friends, plan for the evening, party it up, pass out, and repeat. At least that was how it was for me. And full disclosure: It was awesome. I had a new boyfriend and new friends and life couldn't get much better at that point. One day in March, I started to feel "off." I told myself it was nothing. I was probably anemic (a problem I had since I became a "woman" in my teens) and needed to eat better. I mean, I lived on pizza! It was my job and one that I loved and I loved the food!! So I went about my business, but it just got worse.

"I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then" ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

About two weeks after the "off" feeling started I really was getting worse. My battle wounds from parties were getting worse (I bruise really easily due to anemia, but these were horrendous looking, like black death under my skin.) I would ask friends if I did anything I maybe didn't remember, but no, I was good. Just random mystery bruises were appearing. I couldn't walk up a flight a stairs without being winded. Yes, I was a smoker, but I was very active and we hiked and ran around all the time. So what the hell?! I refused to go to the doctors. No insurance, no real money per se, and I was scared. Finally, my boyfriend said, "Enough, You are GOING!" So we went.....

“Curiouser and curiouser.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

A mosh pit bruise. I rarely would allow people to take pictures of me during this time.

Watching someone take your blood is such a fascinating ordeal. Blood has never bothered me, neither have needles, but watching someone take this shiny, miniscule object, insert it into your skin and with precision they hit a vein that is 0.048cm is amazing and never ceases to amaze me, even though I know how to do it. When that person starts filling tube after tube, after tube of blood, you start to get a little more concerned. Am I going to have any blood left? What's that tube for? I've never seen that one. What could they possibly think it wrong?? It was Thursday.

“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

That moment, a flash of your life, of everything you ever wanted, missed, hoped, felt, loved, and feared, all in one moment. It was Monday, it was beautiful outside and unseasonably warm. I remember hearing the birds when I rose from bed. I didn't sleep much the night before. I remember being the most scared I had ever been, and here it was, my 22nd birthday. The doctor walked in the room. I don't think I actually heard what he said, I heard my mother break down, my brother freeze, I could hear my dad's brain going 1000 mph and I just sat there staring at the older middle aged man. He had no feeling in his face, no pity, no empathy, no sympathy, nothing.....just blank. I wanted to jump up my put my fist through his face. "You have cancer."