Surviving in Cape Town: a local's guide

Cape Town is known throughout the world as a beautiful coastal city reminiscent of other coastal oases like Monaco or Santorini. Cape Town is undoubtedly the city that receives the most visits from foreigners and South Africans than any other region in South Africa. It isn’t surprising after all because Cape Town is stuffed with elegant cafes, designer boutiques, 5 star hotels and plentiful beaches and hiking trails but there is a part to Cape Town that only Capetonians would know…

Speaking as a local of course; Cape Town has many unwritten dos and don'ts which every Capetonian knows off by heart e.g. don’t go to the beach on Boxing Day, you WILL be trampled, but that is just an example of how to make your life easier but the real tips are more to do with safety and how to get shit on the cheap. Here’s my list of dos and don’ts for Cape Town:

Glossary:
Bergies: homeless people who are mostly homeless because of bad habits like alcoholism and drug abuse. Bergies are a serious problem in Cape Town because they are very disruptive.

1. Don’t walk down Long Street at night by yourself… no matter how much of a man you are you will leave without your manhood.

2. Don’t even make eye contact with “bergies”, if you engage with them they will follow you like stray cats.

3. Tipping in restaurants would hands down be the most frustrating thing on my list, waiters are generally slow, rude, unhelpful and just incompetent but don’t think they don’t expect a 15% tip at the end of your meal…and they will let you know that you didn’t tip.

4. Cape Town is known throughout South Africa as “Slaapstad” which means sleeping city, Capetonians are very laid back people when it comes to work but they still have a fiery temper and will kick your ass given the opportunity so don’t fuck with them too much.

5. Again in Slaapstad no one is in a rush so traffic moves slowly…Very slowly. So plan ahead when you need to be somewhere especially if you are going into the city.

6. Traffic can slow down out of nowhere so be vigilant.

7. Don’t feed the baboons; they’re almost as bad as the bergies.

8. In South Africa the term “Coloured” refers to a group of people of a specific ethnic makeup from the Cape Town area and is a completely different from the term “black” and different from the meaning “Coloured” in America.

9. A group of coloured guys will try to get on your nerves in a club but don’t worry they frighten easily, it’s the coloured women who you have to be afraid of, whether they are a pack or by themselves they will snap you like a Twix chocolate and swear at your mother while they do it but don’t worry they only attack when provoked.

10. Don’t trust the weather predictions…Cape Town can go from sunshine to a fucking blizzard in 10 min without warning plus our whether service is slightly more advanced than a samgoma with chicken bones.

By Charlie Void
A satirical cunt