Why

It looks like whenever I get angry, disillusioned, frustrated, I write. Starting to think whether my writing is a form of revenge? Maybe. To an extent. What it really is, is a form of a call out for answers.

The more I know, the more I see, experience, the more I feel disgusted by the world people created. Am I one of them? Yes. But it is not the world I want. We definitely still are the planet of apes. As a whole, spiritually, in matters of kindness, we are still pretty primal.

I learned about narcissist's personality disorder. It looks like I've been around those guys all along. I grew accustomed to them. Am I a narcissist too? Are we all? Is that what we learned we are supposed to be? It's all about interests. Do we share the same interests? Can I help you if you help me? Or money can be a supplement to a favor I can't return by any other means?

The more I learn about it, the more I feel sorry for not just them, but humans in general. They say there is no cure. Just drop them and run away from them and everything and everybody that is associated with them. Isn't that sad? No cure? I haven't seen one post saying anything in a manner of anyone anywhere trying to find a cure?

It really sucks to be a narcissist. Hear I am, not normal, the worst of the worst. It's how I am. I can't help it. And all you smart and kind folks out there, couldn't get to a better, kinder, more humane solution but to cast me, cut me off? That is really not nice. Not nice at all. Normal, ok, I take it as a scientific fact, majority is normal, and something is always 'normal', but is it a matter of normative or something else?

What is in all honesty right and what is wrong? How do we take it upon ourselves to judge others, enforce our 'normality' on others. Decide what is crime, what is forbidden and what is a desirable social behavior. Taking responsibility over our action and inaction? Who is a real judge on rightness or wrongness? Revenge? Indifference? Imposing and enforcement of desired behavior? Don't do to others what you don't want done to yourself? That is a poor measure of right or wrong. How does anyone know what anyone desires to be done to them? What does any of us want? Does majority ever mean good?

The worst type of governance is the rule of majority. There is no room for experimentation, for growth. You can only grow so much. As majority. To excel in anything is to be out of norm. I learned what most people like the most is to feel sorry for someone 'down below'. It gives them sense of success and success means happiness. The more they shed tears for someone, the happier they are about themselves.

I remembered Cardinal. He thought me a lot. He too watched his mother getting beaten by his dad. He begged her to leave him. But they never left. Then he left. Unprepared for any 'normal' relationship. Every time I rejected his domination, his mistreatment, he loved me more. I wasn't like his mom. I wouldn't let anyone do that kind of shit to me no matter what. But he kept pushing. I kept fighting back until I was exhausted. Then I snapped. And it was all over. Not immediately. I had to wait till I was done with everything I was working on. Few more months. And I was gone. Only years later I actually realized what was going on. But at the time, all I knew was that I have to go.

Years later I was faced with darkness. Darker then I've ever seen. I almost cried. But this time I recognized it. I started asking myself what was wrong with me? Why was I so drawn to it? Or is it drawn to me? Probably both. The idea of saving people. Because I honestly, genuinely want to save someone or is it that I want to be saved?