On December 21,2017, I turned 4 years old as a patient with metastatic breast cancer.
During all this time, on many occasions, events have deeply shaken and wounded my hopes. But even so, they almost magically manage to renew themselves, with increasing vehemence.
A few days ago I learned about the results of the last CT scan I had done on my entire body. The tumor I still have in my head and tumors that are in the bones (located in the spine, pelvis, and breastbone) increased slightly in size.
They are still very small and the increase is minimal, so it is not significant enough to make an urgent change in treatment. For now, they will continue to be observed at the next medical check-ups.
But what is clear is that the disease remains active. Once again, my spirits resented. Thank God, in a few days my faith came to the rescue and injected me with an important dose of calm.
"Are you mad at God?" This question asked by my brother when I communicated my diagnosis to him for the first time, and the answer I gave him, marked the attitude and predisposition that I have had so far. "Not at all," I replied, explaining that my faith in God makes me think that everything that happens to us has a meaning and a reason for being. That is why I surrender myself to Him and His will.
Speaking of surrender, the words of Stella Maris Maruso, in her book The Laboratory of the Soul (2015), whose reading I recommend, came to me at a key moment in my life:
Hope is the desire and the illusion that something will happen, while faith is to surrender to the mystery of life without expecting anything concrete, but knowing that what happens will be for good. (p.173)
I know my illness has no return. It can be stopped or controlled, but not disappear. It is a reality that I keep trying to digest in my head and heart in the most harmonious way possible. Even though nerves, fears and anxiety are tenacious and treacherous, I surrender myself in body and soul to the mystery of life.
My surrender is conscious. I have hopes and dreams, but faith gives me calm and serenity. My prayers do not ask for a cure, they only ask for guidance, strength and light.
