Well, there goes another eventful week with more dilemmas to address!
After I met 'my' older man for the first time last week, I couldn't sleep a wink all night for thinking about him. Talking to another person in so much depth really affected me a lot more than I cared to admit, and when I got home and spoke to the children I was literally in complete disbelief! There is 25 years in age difference between the two of us, and all the usual doubts and fears about 'dating an older man' were haunting me.
Regardless I agreed to meet him again this Wednesday, and drove an hour up to the other side of Glasgow to one of the garden centres. Again we sat for hours, leaning in towards each other over the table, and talked away honestly about everything in our lives until then. Several cups of tea later, he broached the real subject of why were there and told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me either. I already know for a fact that one day I am going to marry him, and I knew the very first day that I had just met my second husband and I am still in shock.
I have always wanted a partner like him, and knew that something was there when I found myself wanting to pull him away from other women in the group. I already know he is the one for me, and it feels as though I am suddenly on a magic carpet ride and not wanting it to stop. It's kind of exhilirating but scary at the same time.
I told him that I never play games, and would delete my dating profile the next day - which I have. We have agreed to date each other exclusively from now on and will 'see what happens'. As I was about to get in the car to drive home again, he put his arm around me and pulled me towards him and yet I resisted. He asked me to give him 'a real kiss' and I pecked him very quickly on the lips and jumped into my car as the love is not there for me yet. It is far too soon for me to kiss him - and I am not ready for any intimacy like that. I can not kiss anyone unless I am truly in love with them, and have had to set some boundaries to stop him from doing anything like that again or he will ruin everything.
Unfortunately this has brought back some terrible memories - of all the men that have tried to force themselves on me over the years, and the very first one was when I was only 16 living back home in Australia. I moved out of home when I was very young, and got a job working as a waitress with a local hotel/restaurant which was right on the beachfront overlooking the ocean. It was a Tudor-style property where guests paid $100 a night, and it was very exclusive. The owner of the property was an old man, and in the first few days of starting there he kept putting his arm around me and trying to touch my breasts. I was a good girl back then, and just tried to avoid him as best as I could - as I didn't want to embarass him or make a scene. At the end of the first week, he told me that my uniform had arrived and asked me to go up to to one of the guestrooms to 'try it on to see if it fit'. Of course, me being utterly clueless thought nothing whatsoever of this, and went up with him unwittingly. I changed in the bathroom and he admired the outfit on me, then asked me 'if I wanted to make some more money doing overtime'. He offered me $150.00 an hour to have sex with him and I said no, and changed back into my own clothing. I ran away from that restaurant as fast as I could and never went back again.
In the thirty years since then I have lost count of the number of men who have tried to force themselves on me. The worst one was an attempted rape in Torremolinos in 1992 which I will never forget.
Deciding to have a new partner for the first time in ten years is bad enough, let alone dealing with all the memories resurfacing of how trashy these men in the past have made me feel.
Being celibate for so many years has allowed me to avoid those feelings of worthlessness and shame, but at the same time I have been denying my own sexuality to the point where it no longer existed. So how do I get my head around getting back on the train again - because I divorced myself from that side of my personality. I thought that I would never marry again...
On top of this issue, I have a person in the Supper Club who I have been keeping an eye on. People in the town wher eI live can be very bitchy and nosey, and she and a friend of hers joined up to the Club, have not been to a single event and yet been questioning me and my motives for running the Supper Club. As you can imagine, I am not a very patient person, and it has been making me defensive and has really been starting to piss me off because I have nothing to hide whatsoever.
Yesterday morning, I attended a Business Workshop about 'how to manage your online reputation' and then when I got home last night, asked members of the group to provide me testimonials for events they have attended to date. This woman replied with the questions above and I have deleted her comments immediately and removed her as a member of the Club. She had already been warned once before not to post anything like this to the group, and to send a private message instead but ignored me.
So anyway, that is her now - I have removed her but my friend tells me that I have to be careful of censorship issues. Does anyone else think that I have over-reacted with her?